baron fran?ois des ygrées left munich when the baroness knew that the hour of delivery was approaching. monsieur des ygrées did not want to have a child born in bavaria; he was sure that that country was overrun with syphilis.
they arrived in the springtime, in the little port of napoule, which in an excellently turned verse the baron baptised for eternity:
napoule of the golden skies.
it was there that the delivery of macarée's child took place.
* * *
"ah! ah! aie! aie! aie! ouh! ouh! whee-ee-ee!"
the three local midwives took to improvising pleasantly:
first midwife
i dream of war.
o my friends, the stars, the bright stars, have you ever counted them?
o my friends, do you even remember the titles of all the books you have read and the names of their authors?
o my friends, have you ever thought of the poor men who tread the broad highways?
the herdsmen of the golden age led their herds to pasture without fear that the cattle would flee, they feared only the jungle beasts.
o my friends, what do you think of all these cannons?
second midwife
what do i think of these cannons? they are vigorous phalli.
o my beautiful nights! i am happy because of a sinister horn which enchanted me last night, 'tis a good augury. my hair is perfumed with abelmosch.
o! the beautiful and rigid phalli that these cannons are! if women had to do military service they would all go into the artillery. the sight of the cannons in battle would be strange for them.
lights are born on the sea far off.
reply, o zelotide, reply with thy sweet voice.
third midwife
i love his eyes at night, he knows my hair well and its odour. in the streets of marseilles an officer pursued me for a long time. he was well dressed and of fair colour, there was gold on his costume and his mouth tempted me, but i fled his kisses and took refuge in my "bedroom" of the "family-house" where i was stopping.[2]
first midwife
o zelotide, spare the sad men as thou sparest this beau. zelotide what thinkest thou of the cannons.
second midwife
alas! alas! i want to be loved.
third midwife
they are the tools of the ignoble love of the people. o sodom! sodom. o sterile love!
first midwife
but we are women, why dost thou speak of sodom?
third midwife
the fire of heaven devoured her.
the confined
when you have finished your monkey-tricks, if it please you, will you not forget to give a little attention to the baroness des ygrées.
* * *
the baron slept in a corner of the room on several travelling blankets. he made a fart which caused his better half to laugh until the tears came. macarée wept, cried, laughed and a few moments later brought into the world a sturdy child of the male sex. then, exhausted by these efforts, she rendered up her soul, with a scream that was like the ululation of the eternal first wife of adam, when she crossed the red sea.
in reporting the above, i believe that i have elucidated the important question of the birthplace of croniamantal. let the 123 towns in 7 countries dispute the honor of his birth.[3]
we know now, and the state records bear testimony that he was born of the paternal fart at napoule of the golden skies, on the 25th of august, 1889, but not announced at the mayoralty until the following morning.[4]
it was the year of the universal exposition, and the eiffel tower, which was just born, saluted the heroic birth of croniamantal with a beautiful erection.
the baron des ygrées made another fart which woke him by the macabre bed where the corpse of macarée reclined. the child cried, the midwives croaked, the father sobbed, and declaimed:
"ah, napoule with the golden skies, i have killed my hen with the golden eyes!"
then he bathed the new-born calling him by a name which he invented forthwith and which did not belong to any saint in paradise: croniamantal. he left on the following day, having arranged for the funeral of his spouse, written the necessary letters assuring his inheritance, and announced the child under the names of ga?tan—francis—etienne—jack—amélie—alonso des ygrées. and with this nursling whose putative father he was, he took the train for the principality of monaco.
