by elizabeth a. s. dawes, m.a., d.lit.

“plus fait douceur que violence.”—la fontaine, vi. 3.

“a beautiful behaviour is better than a beautiful form; it gives a higher pleasure than statues and pictures; it is the finest of the fine arts.”—emerson.

have chosen “courtesy” as the subject of my little address this time, as it is a virtue which is perhaps somewhat in danger of being forgotten and overlooked in these modern days of continual hurry and bustle; and yet it forms such an essential part of a beautiful character that nobody can justly claim the title of “gentleman” or “gentlewoman” if he or she neglects the practice of it, which is, too, the opinion of our shakespeare, for he writes, “we must be gentle now we are gentlemen” (winter’s tale, v. 2).

the derivation of the word, which really means the manners and behaviour to be observed at a royal court, is neatly given by spenser in his faerie queene, book vi. 1.

“of court, it seems, men courtesie do call,

for that it there most useth to abound;

and well beseemeth, that in princes hall

that vertue should be plentifully found,

which of all goodly manners is the ground

and root of civil conversation”;

and milton likewise says that “courtesy was first named in courts of princes.” and as an example of a prince who practised this virtue we may quote from an old memoir about henry viii., “we cannot omit to observe this courtly (shall i call it?) or good quality in him; that he was courteous, and did seem to study to oblige.” however, the english girls of to-day need not look far for the pattern of a perfectly gracious and courteous woman, for who fulfils this ideal better than her gracious majesty, queen victoria? who better known than she for the courteous message of thanks to her troops when they have nobly done their duty, or for the quick expression of sympathy to the suffering victims of an accident or some personal bereavement?

then for a definition or short explanation of what courtesy is we cannot do better than turn to the greatest thing in the world. here on p. 26 we learn that courtesy is an ingredient of love, that it is “love in society, love in relation to etiquette,” and has been defined as “love in little things”; in a word it is the quality denoted by the sentence, “love doth not behave itself unseemly.” from these words we can also gather the reason why we should all show courtesy, for, as it is one of the components of love, and christ said that all his disciples were to be distinguished from the rest of the world by their love for another, we shall not be true followers of christ, or have a really beautiful character, if we omit any part of love; just as a beautiful mosaic could never be otherwise than imperfect, if, though complete in all other respects, the stones of one certain colour were everywhere missing.

it must also be remembered that a courteous behaviour should be worn always and everywhere, and not only put on like a grand robe for state occasions, for courtesy is “a happy way of doing things, and should adorn even the smallest details of life, and contribute to render it as a whole agreeable and pleasant.” hence, first and foremost, courtesy should be practised in the home by the children both towards their parents and towards each other. this is a matter which merits more attention and thought than is generally given to it, for by a courteous manner and a gentle tongue, more influence in the government of others is often attained than by qualities of greater depth and substance. now woman, not man, is the true home-maker, therefore girls should take great pains to be courteous, and thus by their gentleness lead and direct the perhaps rude and selfish brother who will probably unconsciously sooner or later imitate and adopt his sister’s gracious ways. a sweet-tongued gentle maiden cannot fail to render the home, be it a poor or rich one, both pleasant and dear to her brothers and sisters. and then to parents how far more gentle and courteous we all should be than we are. it has been well said that a blessing is never fully realised until it is lost, and so i fear we hardly any of us realise clearly and distinctly to ourselves how much our parents, especially our dear mothers, do and suffer for us until the day comes when we know what it is to be without them.

dr. miller, in his book the building of character, which i should earnestly recommend every girl to read, says, “wherever else we may fail in patience, it should not be in our own homes. only the sweetest life should have place there. we have not long to stay together, and we should be patient and gentle while we may.” and to enforce this teaching, he quotes one of the tenderest little poems ever written, and of which i subjoin a couple of verses:—

“the hands are such dear hands;

they are so full; they turn at our demands

so often; they reach out

with trifles scarcely thought about;

so many times they do

so many things for me, for you,

if their fond wills mistake,

we may well bend—not break.

they are such fond frail lips,

that speak to us. pray, if love strips

them of discretion many times,

or if they speak too slow or quick, such crimes

we may pass by; for we may see

days not far off when those small words may be

held not so slow or quick, or out of place, but dear,

because the lips are no more here.”

further, a courteous manner should be used towards the servants, orders given politely and unnecessary troubling of them avoided; for instance, lying late in bed, though intensely pleasant, often necessitates the disarrangement of the servants’ morning work, for which the delinquent herself will perhaps blame them later in the day.

at school, again, how many “open doors” are there for doing little courtesies to mistresses and schoolfellows, and for aiding to maintain the peace and harmony both in class-room and playground by a gentle look or word, and for the “soft answer which turneth away wrath,” and stays the rising quarrel. the girl who will be most beloved, and who will have the best influence in a school, is undoubtedly she who is ever ready with a pleasant smile to play with the little ones, to say a kind word to another when in trouble, and who shows by her whole behaviour that she wishes to make those around her happy and comfortable. then on those days of discouragement, when, in spite of all endeavours, the lessons are not well known, and it seems useless to go on trying to do as well as the other girls, or when, perchance, unmerited blame or irritating teasing has unnerved and tired you, how you welcome the friend who, without being told, knows how “wrong everything is going,” and with gentle loving words strives to cheer you, and bids you take heart again and bravely return to the fight.

if we look at the reverse of the picture and contemplate the discourteous girl, be it at home or at school, we cannot fail to observe how many opportunities she loses of giving pleasure. she may come down to breakfast, and just mutter a “good morning” and omit the morning kiss; during the day she may never notice how often she might fetch something for her mother or mistress, jump up or open the door for somebody with their hands full, or try to subdue her loud boisterous laughing or talking in a room where others are busy reading or writing—she will also pass in and out of a door in front of her elders, pay little attention to the wants of her neighbours at table; in short, she will not increase in any way the pleasantness of her surroundings.

a word of warning, too, must be given to those girls who, with the best of intentions to try and do right and help others, make the mistake through their very excess of zeal of directing or correcting others in a rough, brusque way, and perhaps enforce their words by a not too gentle push or shove! these must read la fontaine’s fable of phoebus and boreas, or the sun and the northwind, and see how the north wind, for all his violent blowing, could not divest the traveller of his cloak, whereas the sun by the influence of his gentle warming rays soon accomplished that in which the rough blasts of boreas had failed. and if they follow the teaching of this fable, they will soon see how much more the gentle word accomplishes than the rough one.

and now to close, i would like to ask you, who read these few remarks of mine, to endeavour to put more gentleness and courtesy in your dealings with other people than you have done heretofore; for in all of us there is always room for improvement, and there is not one of us surely but must admit that we often leave little courtesies undone and little gentle words unsaid. courtesy is like the drop of oil that enables machinery to work noiselessly and smoothly, for it lessens the jars and friction of life and the consequent worry and fretfulness. little things make or mar the peace of life, therefore exhibit courtesy which is “love in little things,” and you will gain the gratitude and esteem of those around you, and carry away in your minds these lines of lord houghton, and never, if you can avoid it, lose an opportunity of putting them into practice—

“an arm of aid to the weak,

a friendly hand to the friendless,

kind words, so short to speak,

but whose echo is endless:

the world is wide—these things are small,

they may be nothing, but they are all.”