jane her name was—plain jane—but she wasn’t plain by any means. she was far from that. she could smoke a cigarette, drink a bottle of wine, and wear a paquin gown with grace, and in these three things a woman has a chance to show what she is and what she can do. for my part i would consider them a test, just the same as performing certain mathematical calculations, and showing a proficiency in geography are tests in civil service examinations. there is nothing that gives a woman so much poise and self-confidence as smoking a cigarette daintily. it gives her a chance to think, you see, and appear unconcerned, and it is an ambush behind which she may hide in time of trouble.
this particular jane had all the vices and charms that a young woman who is known to the crowd by her first name ought to have, or might be supposed to have. men who were introduced to her found themselves calling her jane inside of the hour, and that was because of her genius, for there are a lot of women in this world whose baptismal name no man would ever dare to use, even though they had been acquainted for years.
there is just as much difference in women as there is in drinks. it isn’t necessary to go into details on that subject, for every good hard drinker knows the
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different sensations of the different brands the morning after.
for three solid hours he sat there trussed up like a chicken
jane blew into the big-city with a west wind, a dress suit case, on one end of which were the initials of her right name, and the drummer of a wholesale lace house who had caught her eye and won her regard by giving her some of his samples.
your attention is called to the fact that a drummer’s existence is a cinch, especially if he has samples that he can afford to give away.
this one had a mustache that curled at the ends, a bank roll that looked like a toy balloon into which a kid had stuck a pin—which was jane’s fault—and a nerve which was a little bit harder than harveyized steel. he used the nerve in his business, and besides, it came in handy so far as jane was concerned because he had a wife in harlem. he planted jane in a furnished flat, where he paid the rent for two weeks. then because he had a champagne taste and a beer purse, he went to a pal of his who was a stage manager on broadway and got the lady a job carrying a spear and wearing pale pink tights in a spectacular show that was about to be produced.
he was sitting in her front room warming his shins at the steam heat when he broke the news to her, and this is the way he did it. you sports can take a tip from this so you can see how it is done, for no man can ever foretell when he will be called on to produce the same line of talk.
“do you know,” he began, “that you are the best fellow in the world and that the more i see of you the more i like you?”
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“do you?” asked jane, simply, for she was nothing more nor less than a country girl. “i am very glad of that, but you know the rent was due yesterday and it hasn’t been paid yet.”
“now,” he went on, ignoring the touch, “i know you well enough to know that you would like to be independent and make your own way in the world. i want to see you where you will be in a position to support yourself, and so i have arranged with a man who is under obligations to me to give you a chance and put you in the chorus of the ‘ice king.’ you’ll get $15 a week at the start and then you’ll be jumped to $18. after that it’s up to you whether or not you come to the front and get the real good money with the yellowbacks.”
“but i have never been on the stage,” she said.
“don’t i know that, and haven’t i fixed it? you’ll be broken in all right and all you have to do is as you are told and you’ll get your money every monday night.”
so it was that the girl from peapack, n. j., became independent and self-supporting, and was able before long to send a hundred-dollar note to the folks at home, for whom she still had a deep regard. you see, it is only the girls who save their money who can do that sort of thing.
when the young fellows around town wanted to see a show, some one would suggest that they go up and see jane, and although she hadn’t a line to speak nor a note to sing, they would line up in the front row as if she was a star. it didn’t take the manager of the show very long to find out that jane could draw
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like a porous plaster and then he jumped her salary up to $25.
with that she went to a fashionable hair dresser and paid $200 to have her hair turned from chestnut blonde to a hue of a stick of pale molasses taffy, the kind you get for five cents a throw, which sticks in your teeth and plays the deuce with the filling.
girls of jane’s kind are like boxers, in that their prosperity is manifested outwardly without delay. the aspiring young knuckle-duster, as soon as he wins a prominent battle, will at once hie himself off and blow in a chunk of the purse on a silk hat, patent leather shoes, a frock coat and a cane. with the balance he will annex a diamond, then he immediately becomes the real thing.
a girl has no use for frock coats and canes, but she goes strong on hair, so her loose coin goes for a gallon of bleach strong enough to change the faith of a hindoo fakir, and that is the strongest thing in the world, except, perhaps, an african after a hard day’s work in the slaughter house.
she had a flat on central park, south—that’s wrong, it was an apartment, because she paid over $1,000 a year for it, whereas flats only cost about $40 a month-and she entertained the bunch with cozy little wine dinners that would make a man leave his happy home in a minute.
she was still getting her $25 a week, you know.
then she tore the drummer’s name out of her address book, for he was a back number who had shown a decided tendency to cold feet.
she described him to the butler, and said that if he
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ever put in an appearance he was to be dismissed with the single word:
“skiddoo.”
“i don’t understand,” said the butler, whose previous job had been on fifth avenue. “what does skiddoo mean?”
“it doesn’t make any difference whether you understand or not, just you say it to him and he will know, and that’s enough.”
and all that night this cheese sandwich with the side whiskers kept repeating the word to himself so he wouldn’t forget it, and he wrote it down on his cuff. he also traced it out on a card that he stuck in behind the hat rack in the hall. in his heart and soul he thought it was some foreign word which meant that the lady wasn’t at home or didn’t care to be disturbed.
that’s the worst of being a butler instead of chuck connors.
the traveling man with the immaculate gall had reached the worrying stage because the girl was doing so well and he had been pushed off the track. if she had stuck to her little furnished flat and the cheap togs he would have gone on his way whistling a merry tune, just as all men do. but she was on the high wave and sipping the cream off the top, and he thought there ought to be an armchair waiting for him by the fireplace of her new ranch, which was very natural, for all men are cast in the same identical mould. they don’t care for what they have, and are always hunting for something that’s hard to get.
if you look like the goods you’ll have them all going,
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but as soon as you tell your hard luck story you’ll get the sandbag where it will do the most good.
one night, after the show, jane and a bunch of the merry-merry with money to spend, or burn, or throw away, was in the front room playing dollar limit poker, when the drummer, with a choice collection of high balls stowed away under his vest, and in a fit condition to either fight or cry, came up in the elevator. he had overdrawn his salary and was prepared to buy wine, if necessary, and he was dressed like a man whose credit is good at the best clothing store in town.
he held his thumb against the electric button for a moment, and because the butler was busy with a sauterne cup, very choice, being of the barton and guestier vintage of ’84, the kind smithy always orders when he wants to be real flossy, the maid turned the knob and came face to face with him.
he made his little spiel, shoved in and stood in the hall on one foot waiting for the glad hand and the happy cry that he felt sure was coming.
“what’s his name? who is he? why don’t you get his card?” he heard jane say. then the maid came back.
“will you please give me your card?”
“that won’t be necessary,” he remarked airily. “just tell her harry is here and she will know.”
he heard the maid telling her little story and then jane’s silver tones floated out to him.
“what, that lobster? how did he get in? he must have had a shoe horn, and i suppose it will take a load of dynamite to get him out.” then something else and all the girls laughed.
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he pulled himself together and walked to where the voice came from.
the heat of the room was beginning to affect the cargo he was carrying and he hit both sides of the wall about eight times before he got to the door. he pulled the curtains aside and looked in on the game.
“just thought i’d call,” he said, grinning.
“well, didn’t i always tell you that you had bad thoughts?” she asked.
“thought you’d be glad to see me,” he went on.
“still thinking?” she queried. “i’ll see that raise and raise you back ten more.”
“i wouldn’t mind taking a hand if you’ll play fair.” just then the butler came in with the drinks.
“henderson,” remarked jane without even so much as looking up, “what was that word i taught you—do you remember it?”
“yes, ma’am.”
“well, what was it?”
“skid-doo, ma’am.”
“very good. now turn around and say it to that man.”
“yes, ma’am.”
he turned slowly and with great dignity to the drummer who was bracing himself up against the door, and commanded:
“skid-doo, sir.”
“so i’m to be fired, eh?”
“say it again, james; it may be some minutes before it takes effect.”
“skid-doo, sir.”
“suppose i don’t go?”
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there was no answer to that, but jane hadn’t been in new york a whole year without being on to her job, and she was able to face any proposition that ever came over the hills.
“get me a piece of rope, james.”
“yes, ma’am,” and away he went, just a bit faster than usual, wondering, no doubt, what the eccentric and erratic mistress of his was going to do next. he got the rope all right and returned with it in short order, because this seemed to be a case where haste was necessary, even at the expense of dignity. she took it from him and walking over to the drummer, said, as she deftly passed it around him.
“you had me on a string once, harry, and now i’m going to get you on a rope.”
“stop your kidding and be nice, jane,” he spoke up, trying to look upon the whole thing as a joke, but while he was expostulating she had knotted the rope around both his arms and signalled to the butler to help her. “i want him tied over there,” she said, pointing to the piano, and before he knew it he was seated on the floor with his back up against a slab of mahogany, being held by the servant while jane was making knots like a sailor.
when the job was done the game was resumed and nobody in the room paid the slightest bit of attention to him. he threatened and begged and finally he swore, and then jane poured a glass of ice water over his head to cool him off.
“i always thought you had a mean disposition,” she remarked, “and now i know it.”
“well, you wouldn’t be here if it hadn’t been for me,” he shouted.
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“no, nor you wouldn’t be there if it hadn’t been for me,” she retorted.
for three solid hours he was kept trussed up like a fowl ready for the oven, and at the end of that time the game came to an end.
“i’m going to bed now,” said jane, “and in half an hour the butler will come in and untie you. he will help you to your feet and when he says skiddoo to you i hope you will understand what he means. good night.”
for thirty minutes the clock ticked monotonously and the back of the man on the floor was beginning to ache horribly. at last the silvery chime announced the half hour and then henderson stepped softly in.
one by one he untied the fastenings and it was a tough job in view of the fact that a woman had made them. after that he helped the visitor to his feet. he assisted him on with his coat, handed him his hat, and together they walked, without either saying a word, to the hall door. the butler swung it solemnly open, slowly waved his hand, bowed deeply from the hips and said:
“skid-doo, sir.”
“go to hell,” came back the answer, as harry shot down the stairs.
“how did he take it?” asked jane the next morning.
“he took it all right, ma’am, but he was very uncivil, ma’am.”
