§ 6

wilmington was not the first of joan’s little company to be killed. joan had the gift of friendship. she was rare among girls in that respect. she was less of an artist in egotism than most of her contemporaries; there were even times when she could be self-forgetful to the pitch of untidiness. two other among that handful of young soldiers 468who were killed outright and who had been her friends, wrote to her with some regularity right up to the times of their deaths, and found a comfort in doing so. they wrote to her at first upon neat notepaper adorned with regimental crests, but their later letters as they worked their slow passages towards the place of death were pencilled on thin paper. she kept them all. she felt she could have been a good sister to many brothers.

one of these two who died early was winterbaum. she did not hear from this young man of the world for some weeks after the declaration of war. then came a large photograph of himself in cavalry uniform, and a manly, worldly letter strongly reminiscent of kipling and anticipatory of gilbert frankau. “there is something splendid about this life after all,” he wrote. “it’s good to be without one’s little luxuries for a space, democratically undistinguished among one’s fellows. it’s good to harden up until nothing seems able to bruise one any more. i bathed yesterday, without water, joan—just a dry towel, and that not over clean—was all that was available. after this is all over i shall have such an appetite for luxury—i shall be fierce, joan.”

those early days were still days of unrestricted plenty, and the disposition of the british world was to pet and indulge everything in khaki. young winterbaum wore his spurs and the most beautiful riding-breeches to night clubs and great feasts in the more distinguished restaurants. he took his car about with him, his neat little black-and-white car, fitted with ivory fopperies. he tried hard to take it with him to france. from france his scribbled letters became more and more heroic in tone. “poor david has been done in,” he said. “i am now only three from the contango peerage. heaven send i get no nearer! no feudal dignities for me. i would give three gilded chambers at any time for one reasonably large and well-lit studio. and—i have a kind of affection for my cousins.”

his prayer was answered. he got no nearer to the contango peerage. the powers above him decided that a little place called loos was of such strategic value to the british army as to be worth the lives of a great number of young 469men, and paid in our generous british fashion even more than the estimate. winterbaum was part of the price. no particulars of his death ever came to joan and peter. the attack began brightly, and then died away. there was a failure to bring up reserves and grasp opportunity. winterbaum vanished out of life in the muddle—one of thousands. he was the first of the little company of joan’s friends to be killed.

bunny cuspard spread a less self-conscious, more western, and altogether more complicated psychology before joan’s eyes. like wilmington he had faltered at the outset of the war between enlistment and extreme pacifism, but unlike wilmington he had never reconciled himself to his decision. bunny was out of sympathy with the fierceness of mankind; he wanted a kindly, prosperous, rather funny world where there is nothing more cruel than gossip; that was the world he was fitted for. he repeated in his own person and quality the tragedy of anatole france. he wanted to assure the world and himself that at heart everything was quite right and magnificent fun, to laugh gaily at everything, seeing through its bristling hostilities into the depth of genial absurdity beneath.

and so often he could find no genial absurdity.

he had always pretended that discovering novel sorts of cakes for his teas or new steps for dances was the really serious business of life. one of his holiday amusements had been “little wars,” which he played with toy soldiers and little model houses and miniature woods of twigs and hills of boarding in a big room at his limpsfield home. he would have vacation parties for days to carry out these wars, and he and his guests conducted them with a tremendous seriousness. he had elaborated his miniature battle scenery more and more, making graveyards, churches, inns, walls, fences—even sticking absurd notices and advertisements upon the walls, and writing epitaphs upon his friends in the graveyard. he had loved the burlesque of it. he had felt that it brought history into a proper proportion to humour. but one of the drawbacks had always been that as the players lay upon the floor to move their soldiers and guns about they crushed down his dear little toy houses and woods....

470his mind still fought desperately to see the war as a miniature.

he got to a laugh ever and again by a great effort, but some of the things that haunted his imagination would not under any circumstances dissolve in laughter. things that other people seemed to hear only to dismiss remained to suppurate in his mind. one or two of the things that were most oppressive to him he never told joan. but she had a glimpse now and then of what was there, through the cracks in his laughter.

he had heard a man telling a horrible story of the opening bombardment of ypres by the germans. the core of the story was a bricked tunnel near the old fortifications of the town, whither a crowd of refugees had fled from the bombardment, and into which a number of injured people had been carried. a shell exploded near the exit and imprisoned all those people in a half-light without any provisions or help. there was not even drinking-water for the wounded. a ruptured drain poured a foul trickle across the slimy floor on which the wounded and exhausted lay. now quite near and now at a distance the shells were still bursting, and through that thudding and uproar, above all the crouching and murmuring distresses of that pit of misery sounded the low, clear, querulous voice of a little girl who was talking as she died, talking endlessly of how she suffered, of how her sister could not come to help her, of her desire to be taken away; a little, scolding, indignant spirit she was, with a very clear explicit sense of the vast impropriety of everything about her.

“why does not some one come?”

“be tranquil,” an old woman’s voice remonstrated time after time. “help will come.”

but for most of the people in the tunnel help never came. through a slow, unhurrying night of indescribable pain and discomfort, in hunger, darkness, and an evil stench, their lives ebbed away one by one....

that dark, dreadful, stinking place, quivering to the incessant thunder of guns, sinking through twilight into night, lit by flashes and distant flames, and passing through an eternity of misery to a cold, starving dawn, threaded by the 471child’s shrill voice, took a pitiless grip upon bunny’s imagination. he could neither mitigate it nor forget it.

how could one laugh at the kaiser with this rankling in his mind? he could not fit it into any merry scheme of things, and he could not bear any scheme that was not merry; and not to be able to fit dreadful things into a scheme that does at last prevail over them was, for such a mind as bunny’s, to begin to drift from sanity.

the second story that mutely reinforced the shrill indictment of that little belgian girl was a description he had heard of some poor devil being shot for cowardice at dawn. a perplexed, stupid youth of two- or three-and-twenty, with little golden hairs that gleamed on a pallid cheek, was led out to a heap of empty ammunition boxes in a desolate and mutilated landscape of mud and splintered trees under a leaden sky, and set down on a box to die. it was as if bunny had seen that living body with his own eyes, the body that jumped presently to the impact of the bullets and lurched forward, and how the officer in command—who had been himself but a little child in a garden a dozen years or more ago—came up to the pitiful prostrate form and put his revolver to the head behind the ear that would never hear again and behind the eye that stared and glazed, and pulled the trigger “to make sure.”

bunny could feel that revolver behind his own ear. it felt as a dental instrument feels in the mouth.

“oh, my god!” cried bunny; “oh, my god!” starting up from his sack of straw on the floor in his billet in the middle of the night.

“oh! shut it!” said the man who was trying to sleep beside him.

“sorry!” said bunny.

“you keep it for the germans, mate.”

“oh! oh! if i could kill this damned kaiser with ten thousand torments!” whispered bunny, quieting down....

these were not the only stories that tormented bunny’s mind, but they were the chief ones. others came in and went again—stories of the sufferings of wounded men, of almost incredible brutalities done to women and children and helpless people, and of a hundred chance reasonless horrors; 472they came in with an effect of support and confirmation to these two principal figures—the shrill little girl making her bitter complaint against god and the world which had promised to take care of her, and had scared her horribly and torn her limbs and thrust her, thirsty and agonized, into a stinking drain to die; and the poor puzzled lout, caught and condemned, who had to die so dingily and submissively because his heart had failed him. against the grim instances of their sombre and squalid fates the soul of bunny battled whenever, by night or day, thought overtook him in his essential and characteristic resolve to see life as “fun”—as “great fun.”

these two fellow-sufferers in life took possession of his imagination because of their intense kindred with himself. so far as he got his riddle clear it was something after this fashion: “why, if the world is like this, why are we in it? what am i doing in this nightmare? why are there little girls and simple louts—and me?”

the days drew near when he would have to go to the front. he wrote shamelessly to joan of his dread of that experience.

“it’s the mud and dirtiness and ugliness,” he said. “i am a domestic cat, joan—an indoor cat....

“i’ve got a pacifist temperament....

“all the same, joan, the germans started this war. if we don’t beat them, they will start others. they are intolerable brutes—the junkers, anyhow. until we get them down they will go on kicking mankind in the stomach. it is their idea of dignified behaviour. but we are casting our youth before swine.... why aren’t there more assassins in the world? why can’t we kill them by machinery—painlessly and cleanly? we ought to be cleverer than they are.”

there was extraordinarily little personal fear in bunny. he was not nearly so afraid of the things that would happen to him as of the things that would happen about him. he hated the smashing even of inanimate things; a broken-down chair or a roofless shed was painful to him. whenever he thought of the trenches he thought of treading and slipping in the dark on a torn and still living body....

he stuck stoutly to his reasoning that england had to fight 473and that he had to fight; but hidden from joan, hidden from every living soul, he kept a secret resolve. it was, he knew, an entirely illogical and treasonable resolve, and yet he found it profoundly comforting. he would never fire his rifle so that it would hurt any one even by chance, and he would never use his bayonet. he would go over the top with the best of them, and carry his weapons and shout.

if it came to close fighting he would go for a man with his hands and try to disarm him.

but this resolve was never put to the test. the easter newspapers of 1916 arrived with flaming headlines about an insurrection in dublin and the seizure of the post office by the rebels. oddly enough, this did not shock bunny at all. it produced none of the effect of horror and brutality that the german invasion of belgium had made upon his mind. it impressed him as a “rag”; as the sort of rag that they got up to at cambridge during seasons of excitement. he was delighted by the seizure of the post office, by the appearance of a revolutionary flag and the issue of republican stamps. it was as good as “little wars”; it was “little revolutions.” he didn’t like the way they had shot a policeman outside trinity college, but perhaps that report wasn’t true. the whole affair had restored that flavour of adventure and burlesque that he had so sadly missed from the world since the war began.

he had always idealized the irish character as the pleasantest combination of facetiousness and generosity. when he found himself part of a draft crossing to dublin with his back to the grim war front, his spirits rose. he could forget that nightmare for a time. he was going to a land of wit and laughter which had rebelled for a lark. he felt sure that the joke would end happily and that he would be shaking hands with congenial spirits still wearing sinn fein badges before a fortnight was out. perhaps he would come upon mrs. o’grady or patrick lynch, whom he had been accustomed to meet at the sheldricks’. he had heard they were in it. and when the whole business had ended brightly and cheerfully then all those clever and witty people would grow grave and helpful, and come back with him to join in that 474temporarily neglected task of fighting on the western front against an iron brutality that threatened to overwhelm the world.

he was still in this cheerful vein two days later as he was crossing st. stephen’s green. his quaint, amiable face was smiling pleasantly and he was marching with a native ungainliness that no drill-sergeant could ever overcome, when something hit him very hard in the middle of the body.

he knew immediately that he had been shot.

he was not dismayed or shocked by this, but tremendously interested.

all other feelings were swamped in his surprise at a curious contradiction. he had felt hit behind, he was convinced he had been hit behind, but what was queer about it was that he was spinning round as though he had been hit in front. it gave him a preposterous drunken feeling. his head was quite clear, but he was altogether incapable of controlling these spinning legs of his, which were going round backward. his facile sense of humour was aroused. it was really quite funny to be spinning backwards in this way. it was like a new step in dancing. his hilarity increased. it was like the maddest dancing they had ever had at hampstead or chelsea. the “backwards step.” he laughed. he had to laugh; something was tickling his ribs and throat. his whole being laughed. he laughed a laugh that became a rush of hot blood from his mouth....

the soul of bunny, for all i know, laughs for ever among the stars; but it was a dead young man who finished those fantastic gyrations.

he paused and swayed and dropped like an empty sack, and lay still in st. stephen’s green, the modest contribution of one happy sinn fein sniper to the peace of mankind.

perhaps bunny was well out of a life where there can be little room for bunnyism for many years to come, and lucky to leave it laughing. and as an offset to his loss we have to count the pleasant excitement of ireland in getting well back into the limelight of the world’s affairs, and the bright and glowing gathering of the armed young heroes who got away, recounting their deeds to one another simultaneously in some 475secure place, with all the rich, tumultuous volubility of the keltic habit.

“did ye see that red-haired fella i got in the square, boys?... ah, ye should have seen that fella i got in the square.”