the courier travelled so very swiftly with the left-handed man, that they[pg 63] halted nowhere to rest between petrograd and london, but merely drew their belts tighter at every posting-station, so that their bowels and their lungs might not get mixed up together; but, as an allowance of liquor at will had been appointed to the left-handed man after his interview with the emperor, at platoffs instance, he sustained himself on that alone, without eating, and sang russian songs all through europe, making only a refrain in foreign fashion, "a?, people, c'est très juli."[26]
as soon as the courier brought him to london, he presented himself to the proper persons and delivered the casket, but placed the left-handed man in a chamber at a hotel; but there the latter speedily grew bored, and felt a desire to eat. he knocked on the door, and[pg 64] pointed out his mouth to the servant who waited on him, and the man immediately conducted him to the food-reception room.
there the left-handed man seated himself at the table, and sat, and sat; but how to ask for anything in english he did not know. but after a while he found out. again he simply tapped upon the table with his finger, and pointed at his mouth; the englishmen guessed, and served him, only they did not always bring what he wanted, but he did not take what did not suit him. they brought him a hot studing in fire[27] of their preparation. says he, "i know not whether that can be eaten," and he would not taste it; so they changed it, and brought him another dish. and thus, also, he would not drink their brandy, because it was green, as though mixed with copperas, but[pg 65] chose the most natural things of all, and waited for the courier in the coolness behind the bottle-room.
and those persons to whom the courier had delivered the nymfozoria examined it that very moment with the most powerful melkoscopes, and immediately put a description in the public news, so that an announcement[28] of it might come to general notice on the following day.
"and we wish to see that master-workman himself at once," said they.
the courier led them to the chamber, and thence to the food-reception room, where our left-handed man had already grown fairly red in the face, and said: "here he is!"
the englishmen immediately began to clap the left-handed man on the shoulder, slap-slap, and on the hands, as with an equal.
[pg 66]
"comrade," said they, "comrade,—good master,—we will talk with thee hereafter, in due time, but now we will drink to thy success."
they called for a great deal of liquor, and gave the first glass to the left-handed man, but he would not drink first: "perhaps they wish to poison me out of vexation," he thought.
"no," says he, "that is not proper etiquette. even in poland no one is greater than the host—drink first yourselves."
the englishmen tested all the liquors in his presence, and then began to pour out for him. he rose, crossed himself with his left hand, and drank to the health of them all.
they noticed that he crossed himself with his left hand, and asked the courier: "what is he—a lutheran or a protestant?"
the courier replied: "no, he is[pg 67] neither a lutheran nor a protestant, but of the russian faith."
"but why does he cross himself with his left hand?"
the courier said: "he's left-handed, and does everything with his left hand."
the englishmen began to be more amazed than ever, and set to pouring liquor into the left-handed man and the courier, and thus they went on for three days, and then they said: "now, that's enough."
but they took a symphony of water with airfixe, and having completely freshened themselves up, they began to interrogate the left-handed man; where and what he had studied, and to what point he was acquainted with arithmetic?
the left-handed man replied: "our learning is single: we can read the psalter and the polusonnik, but we know no arithmetic whatever."
[pg 68]
the englishmen exchanged glances and said: "this is astounding!"
but the left-handed man replied: "that's the way with us everywhere."
"but," they inquire, "what sort of a book in russia is that 'polusonnik'?"[29]
"that," says he, "is a book concerned with this—that if there is anything touching on fortune-telling which king david has not clearly set forth in the psalter, then people are able to divine the completion in the polusonnik."
they say: "that's a pity; 't would be better if you knew at least the four ordinary rules of arithmetic,—they would be far more useful to you than the entire polusonnik. then you would be able to grasp the fact that in every machine there is a calculation of powers, and although you are very clever with your hands, you have not taken into[pg 69] consideration that such a tiny machine as the nymfozoria is calculated with the most exact accuracy, and that it cannot carry its shoes."
to that the left-handed man agreed. "as to that," says he, "there is no dispute—that we have not gone in for science, but only we are faithfully loyal to our fatherland."
but the englishmen say to him; "stay with us, we will transmit to you great instruction, and you will turn out a wonderful master-expert."
but to that the left-handed man did not agree: "i have parents at home," says he.
the englishmen offered to send his parents money, but the left-handed man would not accept it.
"we," says he, "are devoted to our country, and my daddy is already an old man, and my mother is an old woman, and they are used to going to church in[pg 70] their own parish, and besides, i should be very lonely all by myself, for i am still in the vocation of a bachelor."
"you'll get used to it," say they,—"accept our law[30] and we will marry you off."
"that," replies the left-handed man, "can never be."
"why so?"
"because," he replies, "our russian faith is the most correct, and as the ancestors have believed, so, also, should the descendants believe."
"you do not know our faith," say the englishmen; "we hold to the same christian law and the same gospels."
"the gospels," replies the left-handed man, "are, indeed, the same among all, but our books are thicker than yours, and our faith is more complete, also."
"how do you make that out?"
[pg 71]
"because," he replies, "we possess all the visible proofs."
"what proofs?"
"these," says he: "that we have god-sent holy images, and grave-oozing heads,[31] and relics, but you have nothing, and even no extra holidays, nothing beyond sunday; and for the second reason, even if i were married to an englishwoman, it would confuse me to live with her."
"why so?" they ask. "do not scorn her—our women also dress very neatly and are good housewives."
but the left-handed man says: "i don't know them."
the englishmen reply: "that's not a weighty matter—you can learn to know them: we will arrange a grendezvous for you."
the left-handed man was abashed.[pg 72] "why," says he, "worry the girls vainly?" and he refused. "a grendezvous," says he, "is a matter for the gentry, and not suitable for such as me, and if folks were to hear of that at home, in tula, they would ridicule me greatly."
the englishmen became curious: "but if you don't have grendezvous," say they, "how do you manage in such cases to make a pleasing choice?"
the left-handed man explained to them our position. "with us," says he, "when a man wishes to display a more particular intention with regard to a girl, he sends the confabulation-woman, and when she makes the proposal, then we go together, very politely, to the house, and we look the girl over, not in secrecy, but in the presence of all her relatives."
they understood, but answered that they had no confabulation-women, and such a custom was not in practice, but[pg 73] the left-handed man said: "that's all the more agreeable, because if you are going to occupy yourself with such a matter, it must be with a definite intention, and as i do not feel that towards a foreign nation, then why torment the girls?"
he pleased the englishmen in these arguments, also, so that they again began to clap him on the shoulders and the knees, with pleasantness, and asked: "we would just like to know, out of mere curiosity: what defect have you observed in our girls, and why do you shun them?"
thereupon the left-handed man answered them frankly: "i accuse them of no defect, but what does not please me is that their dress sort of flutters about them, and one cannot make out what they have on, and for what purpose; first there is some sort of thing or other, and underneath there's another[pg 74] pinned on, and on their arms are some sort of leglets or other. their plush cloak is exactly like an ape—a sapajou."
the englishmen burst out laughing and say: "where's the objection in that?"
"there's no objection," replies the left-handed man, "only i'm afraid it would make me blush to watch and wait while she is getting herself out of all that."
"is it possible," say they, "that your fashion is better?"
"our fashion," he replies, "in tula is simple: every woman wears a roundabout,[32] and even the greatest ladies wear our roundabouts."
they also showed him to their [pg 75]ladies, and there they poured tea for him, and inquired: "why do you frown?"
he replies: "because," says he, "we are not used to taking it very sweet."
then they gave him a lump of sugar to nibble at, in russian fashion.
they argued with him that it could not be as nice that way, but he said: "to our taste it is more tasty thus."
in no way could the english disconcert him, or make him feel attracted by their manner of life, and merely succeeded in persuading him to remain their guest for a short time, by promising that during that time they would take him about to divers factories, and show him all their art.
"and then," said they, "we will take him to his ship, and deliver him alive in petrograd."
to this he agreed.
