tells of a sham fight and a real battle.
there are periods in the busy round of labour at the great heart in st. martin’s-le-grand when some members of the community cease work for a time and go off to enjoy a holiday.
such periods do not occur to all simultaneously, else would the great postal work of the kingdom come to a dead-lock. they are distributed so that the action of the heart never flags, even when large drafts are made on the working staff, as when a whole battalion of the employés goes out for a field-day in the garb of volunteers.
there are between eight and nine hundred men of the post-office, who, not content with carrying her majesty’s mails, voluntarily carry her majesty’s rifles. these go through the drudgery and drill of military service at odd hours, as they find time, and on high occasions they march out to the martial strains of fife and drum.
on one such occasion the post-office battalion (better known as the 49th middlesex) took part in a sham fight, which phil maylands and peter pax (who chanced to have holidays at the time) went out to see. they did not take part in it, not being volunteers, but they took pride in it, as worthy, right-spirited men of the post could not fail to do.
the 49th middlesex distinguished themselves on that occasion. their appearance as they marched on to the battle-ground—some distance out of london—bore creditable comparison with the best corps in the service. so said pax; and pax was a good judge, being naturally critical.
when the fight began, and the rattling musketry, to say nothing of booming artillery, created such a smoke that no unmilitary person could make head or tail of anything, the 49th middlesex took advantage of a hollow, and executed a flank movement that would have done credit to the 42nd highlanders, and even drew forth an approving nod and smile from the reviewing officer, who with his cocked-hatted staff witnessed the movement from an eminence which was swept by a devastating cross-fire from every part of the field.
when the artillery were ordered to another eminence to check the movement and dislodge them from the hollow, the gallant 49th stood their ground in the face of a fire that would have swept that hollow as with the besom of destruction. they also replied with a continuous discharge that would, in five minutes, have immolated every man and horse on the eminence.
when, afterwards, a body of cavalry was sent to teach the gallant 49th a lesson, and came thundering down on them like a wolf on the fold, or an avalanche on a swiss hamlet, they formed square with mathematical precision, received them with a withering fire that ought to have emptied every saddle, and, with the bayonet’s point, turned them trooping off to the right and left, discomfited.
when, finally, inflated with the pride of victory, they began to re-form line too soon, and were caught in the act by the returning cavalry, they flung themselves into rallying squares, which, bristling with bayonets like porcupines of steel, keeping up such an incessant roar of musketry that the spot on which they stood became, as it were, a heart or core of furious firing, in the midst of a field that was already hotly engaged all round. we do not vouch for the correctness of this account of the battle. we received it from pax, and give it for what it is worth.
oh! it was, as phil maylands said, “a glorious day entirely for the 49th middlesex, that same queen’s birthday,” for there was all the pomp and circumstance of war, all the smoke and excitation, all the glitter of bright sunshine on accoutrements, the flash of sword and bayonet, and the smoke and fire of battle, without the bloodshed and the loss of life!
no doubt there were drawbacks. where is the human family, however well-regulated, that claims exemption from such? there were some of the warriors on that bloodless battle-field who had no more idea of the art of war than the leg of a telescope has of astronomy. there were many who did not know which were friends and which were foes. many more there were who did not care! some of the volunteer officers (though not many), depending too much on their sergeants to keep them right, drove these sergeants nearly mad. others there were, who, depending too much on their own genius, drove their colonels frantic; but by far the greater number, both of officers and men, knew their work and did it well.
yes, it was indeed a glorious day entirely, that same queen’s birthday, for all arms of the service, especially for the 49th middlesex; and when that gallant body of men marched from the field of glory, with drums beating and fifes shrieking, little pax could scarcely contain himself for joy, and wished with all his heart that he were drum-major of the corps, that he might find vent for his feelings in the bursting of the big drum.
“now,” said phil, when they had seen the last of the volunteers off the field, “what shall you and i do?”
“ah! true, that is the question,” returned pax; “what are we to do? our holidays are before us. the day is far spent; the evening is at hand. we can’t bivouac here, that is plain. what say you, phil, to walking over to miss stivergill’s? i have a general invite from that lady to spend any holidays i have to dispose of at rosebud cottage. it is not more than two miles from where we stand.”
“d’ye think she’d extend her invite to me,” asked phil dubiously.
“think!” exclaimed pax, “i am sure of it. why, that respectable old lady owns a heart that might have been enshrined in a casket of beauty. she’s a trump—a regular brick.”
“come, pax, be respectful.”
“ain’t i respectful, you irish noodle? my language mayn’t be choice, indeed, but you can’t find fault with the sentiment. come along, before it gets darker. any friend of mine will be welcome; besides, i half expect to find your sister there, and we shall be sure to see miss lillycrop and my sweet little cousin tottie, who has been promoted to the condition of ladies’-maid and companion.”
“ah, poor tottie!” said phil, “her father’s illness has told heavily on her.”
“that’s true,” returned pax, as every vestige of fun vanished from his expressive face and was replaced by sympathy, “but i’ve good news for her to-night. since her last visit her father has improved, and the doctor says he may yet recover. the fresh air of the new house has done him good.”
pax referred here to a new residence in a more airy neighbourhood, to which bones had been removed through the kindness and liberality of miss stivergill, whose respect for the male sex had, curiously enough, increased from the date of the burglary. with characteristic energy she had removed bones, with his wife and a few household goods, to a better dwelling near the river, but this turned out to be damp, and bones became worse in it. she therefore instituted another prompt removal to a more decidedly salubrious quarter. here bones improved a little in health. but the poor man’s injury was of a serious nature. ribs had been broken, and the lungs pierced. a constitution debilitated by previous dissipation could not easily withstand the shock. his life trembled in the balance.
the change, however, in the man’s spirit was marvellous. it had not been the result of sudden calamity or of prolonged suffering. before his accident, while in full vigour and in the midst of his sins, the drops which melted him had begun to fall like dew. the night when his eyes were opened to see jesus was but the culminating of god’s work of mercy. from that night he spoke little, but the little he said was to express thankfulness. he cared not to reason. he would not answer questions that were sometimes foolishly put to him, but he listened to the word of god, read by his poor yet rejoicing wife, with eager, thirsting looks. when told that he was in danger he merely smiled.
“georgie,” he whispered—for he had reverted to the old original name of his wife, which, with his proper name of blackadder, he had changed on coming to london—“georgie, i wish i might live for your sake and his, but it’ll be better to go. we’re on the same road at last, georgie, and shall meet again.”
aspel marked the change and marvelled. he could not understand it at all. but he came to understand it ere long. he had followed bones in his changes of abode, because he had formed a strange liking for the man, but he refused to associate in any way with his former friends. they occasionally visited the sick man, but if aspel chanced to be with him at the time he invariably went out by the back-door as they entered by the front. he refused even to see phil maylands, but met pax, and seemed not to mind him. at all events he took no notice of him. whether his conduct was owing to pride, shame, or recklessness, none could tell.
the changes of residence we have referred to had the effect of throwing off the scent a certain gentleman who had been tracking out abel bones with the perseverance, though not the success, of a bloodhound.
the man in grey, after losing, or rather coming to the end, of his clew at the post-office furnace, recovered it by some magical powers known best to himself and his compeers, and tracked his victim to archangel court, but here he lost the scent again, and seemed to be finally baffled. it was well for bones that it so fell out, because in his weak state it would probably have gone hard with him had he believed that the police were still on his tracks. as it was, he progressed slowly but favourably, and with this good news pax and his friend hurried to rosebud cottage.
what an unmitigated blessing a holiday is to those who work hard! ah! ye lazy ones of earth, if ye gain something by unbounded leisure ye lose much. stay—we will not preach on that text. it needs not!
to return: phil and pax found tottie and may at the rosebud as they had anticipated—the latter being free for a time on sick-leave—and the four went in for a holiday, as pax put it, neck and crop.
it may occur to some that there was somewhat of incongruity in the companionship of tottie and may, but the difference between the poor man’s daughter who had been raised to comparative affluence, and the gentleman’s daughter who had been brought down to comparative poverty, was not so great as one might suppose. it must be remembered that tottie had started life with a god-fearing mother, and that of itself secured her from much contamination in the midst of abounding evil, while it surrounded her with a rich influence for good. then, latterly, she had been mentally, morally, and physically trained by miss lillycrop, who was a perfect pattern of propriety delicacy, good sense, and good taste. she first read to her pupil, and then made the pupil read to her. miss lillycrop’s range of reading was wide and choice. thus tottie, who was naturally refined and intelligent, in time became more so by education. she had grown wonderfully too, and had acquired a certain sedateness of demeanour, which was all the more captivating that it was an utterly false index to her character, for tottie’s spirit was as wildly exuberant as that of the wildest denizen of archangel court.
in like manner pax had been greatly improved by his association with phil maylands. the vigorous strength of phil’s mind had unconsciously exercised a softening influence on his little admirer. we have said that they studied and read together. hence pax was learned beyond his years and station. the fitness therefore of the four to associate pleasantly has, we think, been clearly made out.
pax, at all events, had not a shadow of a doubt on that point, especially when the four lay down under the shadow of a spreading oak to examine the butterflies and moths they had captured in the fields.
“what babies we are,” said phil, “to go after butterflies in this fashion!”
“speak for yourself,” retorted pax; “i consider myself an entomologist gathering specimens. call ’em specimens, phil; that makes a world of difference.—oh, tot! what a splendid one you have got there! it reminds me so of the time when i used to carry you about the fields on my back, and call you merry. don’t you remember?”
“no,” said tottie, “i don’t.”
“and won’t you let me call you merry?” pleaded pax.
“no, i won’t. i don’t believe you ever carried me on your back, or that my name was merry.”
“what an unbeliever!” exclaimed pax.
“you can’t deny that you are merry to-day, tot,” said may.
tot did not deny it, but, so to speak, admitted it by starting up and giving sudden chase to a remarkably bright butterfly that passed at the moment.
“and don’t you remember,” resumed pax, when she returned and sat down again by his side, “the day when we caught the enormous spider, which i kept in a glass box, where it spun a net and caught the flies i pushed into the box for it to feed on? no? nor the black beetle we found fighting with another beetle, which, i tried to impress on you, was its grandmother, and you laughed heartily as if you really understood what i said, though you didn’t. you remember that, surely? no? well, well—these joys were thrown away on you, for you remember nothing.”
“o yes, i do remember something,” cried tottie. “i remember when you fell into the horse-pond, and came out dripping, and covered from head to foot with mud and weeds!”
she followed up this remark with a merry laugh, which was suddenly checked by a shrill and terrible cry from the neighbouring field.
in order to account for this cry, we must state that miss lillycrop, desirous of acquiring an appetite for dinner by means of a short walk, left rosebud cottage and made for the dell, in which she expected to meet may maylands and her companions. taking a short cut, she crossed a field. short cuts are frequently dangerous. it proved so in the present instance. the field she had invaded was the private preserve of an old bull with a sour temper.
beholding a female, he lowered his horrid head, cocked his tail, and made at her. this it was that drew from poor miss lillycrop a yell such as she had not uttered since the days of infancy.
phil maylands was swift to act at all times of emergency. he vaulted the fence of the field, and rushed at miss lillycrop as if he himself had been a bull of bashan, and meant to try his hand at tossing her. not an idea had phil as to what he meant to do. all he knew was that he had to rush to the rescue! between phil and the bull the poor lady seemed to stand a bad chance.
not a whit less active or prompt was peter pax, but peter had apparently more of method in his madness than phil, for he wrenched up a stout stake in his passage over the fence.
“lie down! lie down! o lie down!” shouted phil in agony, for he saw that the brute was quickly overtaking its victim.
poor miss lillycrop was beyond all power of self-control. she could only fly. fortunately a hole in the field came to her rescue. she put her foot into it and fell flat down. the bull passed right over her, and came face to face with phil, as it pulled up, partly in surprise, no doubt, at the sudden disappearance of miss lillycrop and at the sudden appearance of a new foe. before it recovered from its surprise little pax brought the paling down on its nose with such a whack that it absolutely sneezed—or something like it—then, roaring, rushed at pax.
as if he had been a trained matador, pax leaped aside, and brought the paling down again on the bull’s head with a smash that knocked it all to splinters.
“don’t dodge it,” shouted phil, “draw it away from her!”
pax understood at once. tempting the bull to charge him again, he ran off to the other side of the field like a greyhound, followed by the foaming enemy.
meanwhile phil essayed to lift miss lillycrop, who had swooned, on his shoulders. fortunately she was light. still, it was no easy matter to get her limp form into his arms. with a desperate effort he got her on his knee; with an inelegant hitch he sent her across his shoulder, where she hung like a limp bolster, as he made for the fence. may and tottie stood there rooted to the earth in horror. to walk on uneven ground with such a burden was bad enough, but phil had to run. how he did it he never could tell, but he reached the fence at last, and shot miss lillycrop over into the arms of her friends, and all three were sent headlong down into a thick bush.
phil turned at once to run to the aid of pax, but there was no occasion to do so. that youth had reached and leaped the fence like an acrobat, and was now standing on the other side of it making faces at the bull, calling it names, and insulting it with speeches of the most refined insolence, by way of relieving his feelings and expressing his satisfaction.
