"believe me," says mr. vanringham, now seated upon the table and indolently dangling his heels,—the ecclesiastical monstrosity, having locked the door upon mrs. audaine, had occupied a chair and was composedly smoking a churchwarden,—"believe me, i lament the necessity of this uncouth proceeding. but heyho! man is a selfish animal. you take me, sir, my affection for yonder venerable lady does not keep me awake o' nights; yet is a rich marriage the only method to amend my threadbare fortunes, so that i cheerfully avail myself of her credulity. by god!" cried he, with a quick raising of the voice, "to-morrow i had been a landed gentleman but for you, you blundering omadhaun! and is a shabby merry-andrew from the devil knows where to pop in and spoil the prettiest plot was ever hatched?"

'twas like a flare of lightning, this sudden outburst of malignity; for you saw in it, quintessentialized, the man's stark and venomous hatred of a world which had ill-used him; and 'twas over with too as quickly as the lightning, yielding to the pleasantest smile imaginable. meanwhile you are to picture me, and my emotions, as i lay beneath his oscillating toes, entirely helpless. "'twas not that i lacked the courage to fight you," he continues, "nor the skill, either. but there is always the possibility that by some awkward thrust or other you might deprive the stage of a distinguished ornament; and as a sincere admirer of my genius, i must, in decency, avoid such risks. 'twas necessary to me, of course, that you be got out of this world speedily, since a further continuance of your blunderings would interfere with my plans for the future; having gone thus far, i cannot reasonably be expected to cede my interest in the marchioness and her estate. accordingly i decide upon the handiest method and tip the wink to quarmby here; the lady quits the apartment in order to afford us opportunity to settle our pretensions, with cutlery as arbiter; and she will return to find your perforated carcass artistically displayed in yonder extremity of the room. slain in an affair of honor, my dear captain! the disputed damsel will think none the worse of me, a man of demonstrated valor and affection; quarmby and i'll bury you in the cellar; and being freed from her recent and unfortunate alliance, my esteemed dorothy will seek consolation in the embraces of a more acceptable spouse. confess, sir, is it not a scheme of arcadian simplicity?"

'twas the most extraordinary sensation to note the utterly urbane and cheerful countenance with which mr. vanringham disclosed the meditated atrocity. this unprincipled young man was about to run me through with no more compunction than a naturalist in the act of pinning a new beetle among his collection may momentarily be aware of.

then my quickened faculties were stirred on a sudden, and for the first time i opened my mouth. whatever claim i had upon vanringham, there was no need to advance it now.

"you were about to say—?" he queried.

"i was about to relieve a certain surplusage of emotion," i retorted, "by observing that i regret to find you, sir, a chattering, lean-witted fool—a vain and improvident fool!"

"harsh words, my captain," says he, with lifted eyebrows.

"o lord, sir, but not of an undeserved asperity!" i returned, "d'ye think the marchioness, her flighty head crammed with scraps of idiotic romance, would elope without regard for the canons of romance? not so; depend upon it, a letter was left upon her pin-cushion announcing her removal with you, and in the most approved heroic style arraigning the obduracy of her unsympathetic grandchildren. d'ye think gerald allonby will not follow her? sure, and he will; and the proof is," i added, "that you may hear his horses yonder on the heath, as i heard them some moments ago."

vanringham leaped to the floor and stood thus, all tension. he raised clenched, quivering hands toward the ceiling. "o king of jesters!" he cried, in horrid blasphemy; and then again, "o king of jesters!"

and by this time men were shouting without, and at the door there was a prodigious and augmenting hammering. and the parson wrung his hands and began to shake like a dish of jelly in a thunder-storm.

"captain audaine," mr. vanringham resumed, with more tranquillity, "you are correct. clidamira and parthenissa would never have fled into the night without leaving a note upon the pin-cushion. the folly i kindled in your wife's addled pate has proven my ruin. remains to make the best of hobson's choice." he unlocked the door. "gentlemen, gentlemen!" says he, with deprecating hand, "surely this disturbance is somewhat outré, a trifle misplaced, upon the threshold of a bridal-chamber?"

then gerald allonby thrust into the room, followed by lord humphrey degge, [footnote: i must in this place entreat my reader's profound discredit of any aspersions i may rashly seem to cast upon this honest gentleman, whose friendship i to-day esteem as invaluable; but i wrote, as always, currente calamo, and the above was penned in an amorous misery, sub venire, be it remembered; and in such cases a wrong bias is easily hung upon the mind.—f.a.] my abhorred rival for dorothy's affection, and two attendants.

"my grandmother!" shrieks gerald. "villain, what have you done with my grandmother?"

"the query were more fitly put," vanringham retorts, "to the lady's husband." and he waves his hand toward me.

thereupon the new-comers unbound me with various exclamations of wonder. "and now," i observed, "i would suggest that you bestow upon mr. vanringham and yonder blot upon the church of england the bonds from which i have been recently manumitted, or, at the very least, keep a vigilant watch upon those more than suspicious characters, the while that i narrate the surprising events of this evening."