a man who prided himself very justly upon his uncompromising temper and love of truth had the misfortune the other night to wake at about three o'clock in the morning and to see the devil standing by his bedside, who begged him that he (the honest man) should sell him (the devil) his soul.
"i will do nothing of the kind," said the honest man in a mixture of sleepiness and alarm.
"very well," said the devil, quite obviously put out, "you shall go your own way; but i warn you, if you will have nothing to do with me i will have nothing to do with you!"
"i ask for nothing better," said the honest man, turning over on his right side to get to sleep again, "i desire to follow truth in all her ways, and to have nothing more to do with you." with these words he began a sort of regular and mechanical breathing which warned the devil that the interview was now at an end. the devil, therefore, with a grunt, went out of the bedroom and shut the door smartly behind him, shaking all the furniture; which[pg 197] was a rude thing to do, but he was very much annoyed.
next morning the honest man, before going out to business, dictated his letters as was his wont into a phonograph; this little instrument (which, by the way, had been invented by the devil though he did not know it) is commonly used in the houses of the busy for the reception of dictated correspondence, comic verse, love sonnets, and so forth; and if the busy also live by their pen, the phonograph spares them the use of this instrument. the honest man of whom i speak had no such profession; he used the phonograph for his daily correspondence, which was enormous; he dictated his answers into it before leaving his private house, and during the forenoon his secretary would take down those answers by reversing the machine and putting it at a slower pace so that what it said could easily go down upon the typewriter.
at about half-past five the honest man came back from his business, and was met by his secretary in a very nervous fashion.
"i fear, sir," said the secretary, "that there must be some mistake about your correspondence. i have taken it down literally as was my duty, and certainly the voice sounded like yours, but the letters are hardly such as i would post without your first reading them. i have therefore forborne to sign them in your name, and have kept them to show you upon your return. here they are. pray, pray read them[pg 198] in seclusion, and advise me at the earliest moment." with these words the secretary handed the documents to his bewildered employer, and went out of the room with his eyes full of nervous tears.
the honest man put on a pair of gold spectacles, exchanged these for some gold pince-nez, hummed twice, then began to read. this is what he read—
i
the laurels,
putney heath, s. w.
november 9.
dear lady whernside,
yes, i will come to whernside house next thursday. i do not know you well, and i shall feel out of place among your friends, but i need not stop long. i think that to be seen at such a gathering, even for but a few moments, is of general advantage to my business; otherwise i should certainly not come. one thing i beg of you, which is that you will not ask me a number of private questions under the illusion that you are condescending. the habit is very offensive to me, and it is the chief drawback i feel in visiting your house. i may add that though i am of the middle classes, like your late father, i have a very pretty taste in furniture, and the inside of your house simply makes me sick.
i am,
very faithfully yours,
john roe.
[pg 199]
ii
the laurels,
putney heath, s. w.
november 9.
dear sir,
no; i will not entertain your proposal to use the imperial british suction apparatus upon my ships. it may be a very good apparatus, and it might possibly increase my profits by £2000 in the year, but the fact is that i am so well to do it is hardly worth my while to bother about these little things. the bother of arranging the new installation, and the risk that, after all, my men might not know how to use it, has decided me. i note what you say, that the french, the german, the italian, the russian, and the united states governments have all bought your patent for use in their navies; but it does not influence me one jot. what are they, after all, but foreigners? besides which, it is my experience that somehow or other i muddle through, and i hate having to think.
we are,
your obedient servants,
john roe & company.
iii
the laurels,
putney heath, s. w.
november 9.
dear doctor burton,
i wish you would come round this afternoon or to-morrow morning and see my eldest child,[pg 200] james. there is nothing whatever the matter with him, but his mother is in a flurry, because some children with whom he went out to a party the other evening have developed mumps, and his voice is husky, which she idiotically believes to be a symptom of that disease. your visit will cost me two guineas; but it is well worth my while to spend that sum if only to avoid her intolerable fussing. my advice to you as man to man is, to look at the child's tongue, give him some plain water by way of medicine, and go off again as quick as you can. your fee will be the same in any case, and it is ridiculous to waste time over such business.
i am,
your sincere friend,
john roe.
iv
the laurels,
putney heath, s. w.
november 9.
dear doctor mills,
i enclose five guineas and a subscription for your new church. i confess that i do not clearly see what advantage this expenditure will do me, and i should have some hesitancy in setting down in black and white my reasons for sending you the money at all. your style of preaching is monotonous, your doctrines (if they are really your doctrines) are particularly offensive to me; and after all we could get along perfectly well with the old[pg 201] church. at bottom i think this kind of thing is a sort of blackmail; you know i cannot afford to have my name left out of your subscription list, and probably the same motive is causing many another sensible neighbour of mine to part most reluctantly with a portion of his property. perhaps the best way out of it would be to form a sort of union and to strike all together against your exactions; but i cannot be at the pains of wasting any more time upon the matter, so here's your five guineas and be hanged to you!
very faithfully and respectfully yours,
john roe.
v
the laurels,
putney heath, s. w.
november 9.
dear sir,
i have received your estimate for the new conservatory; i have figured it out and undoubtedly you will lose upon the contract. i therefore accept it without reserve and beg you to begin work as soon as possible. i fully appreciate your motive in making so extraordinary a bargain: you know that i shall make further alterations to the house, and you hope by throwing away a sprat to catch a whale. do not imagine that i shall be misled in this regard. the next alteration i have[pg 202] to make i will accept the tender of some other builder as gullible as yourself, and so forth to the end of the chapter. and i am,
your obedient servant,
john roe.
vi
the laurels,
putney heath, s. w.
november 9.
my dear alice,
i will not send the small sum which you ask me as a brother to afford you, though i am well aware that it would save you very poignant anxiety. my reason for acting thus is that a little annoyance is caused me when i have to disburse even a small sum without the chance of any possible return, and especially when i have to do it to benefit some one who cannot make things uncomfortable for me if i refuse. i have a sort of sentimental feeling about you, because you are my sister, and to that extent my refusal does give me a slight, though a passing sense of irrision. but that will very soon disappear, and when i balance it against the definite sacrifice of a sum of money, however small, i do not hesitate for a moment. please do not write to me again.
your affectionate brother,
john roe.
[pg 203]
vii
the laurels,
putney heath, s. w.
november 9.
dear sir,
i enclose a cheque for £250, my annual subscription to the local war chest of the party. i beg you particularly to note that this subscription makes me the creditor of the party to the extent of over £3000, counting interest at one above bank rate from the first subscription. i have carefully gone into this and there can be no error. i would further have you note that i desire no reward or recognition for my disbursement of this sum beyond the baronetcy of which we spoke the last time i visited you, in the presence of a third party; and i must conclude by assuring you that any lengthy negotiation would be extremely distasteful to me. you need not fear my attitude in the approaching election; i am quite indifferent to parliamentary honours, i will take the chair five times and no more; i am good for one large garden party, three dinners, and a set of fireworks. i will have absolutely nothing to do with the printing, and i am,
always at your service,
john roe.
when the honest man had perused these letters he decided that they should not be posted in their present form; but upon attempting to amend them[pg 204] he found himself singularly lacking in those phrases which he could usually discover so readily for the purposes of his correspondence.
he sent, therefore, for his secretary, and told him to re-write the letters himself according to his own judgment, which that gentleman did with singular skill and dispatch, maintaining the cheques as drafted and putting every matter in its proper light.
that night the honest man, who was sleeping soundly, was more annoyed than ever at the reappearance of the devil at his bedside in the middle of the night.
"now," said the devil, "have i brought you to your senses?"
"no," said the honest man, composing himself for sleep as before, "you have not. you should have remembered that i have a secretary."
"oh, the devil!" said the devil impatiently, "one cannot be thinking of everything!" and he went out even more noisily than the night before.
in this way the honest man saved his soul and at the same time his face, which, if it were the less valuable of the two organs, was none the less of considerable moment to him in this mundane sphere.
