let me tell you rather of my thoughts than of my moods, for there at least one comes to something with a form that may be drawn and a substance that is measurable; one ceases to struggle with things indefinable and the effort to convey by metaphors and imaginary voices things that are at once bodiless and soundless and lightless and yet infinitely close and real. and moreover with that mysterious and subtle change of heart in me there came also a change in the quality and range of my ideas. i seemed to rise out of a tangle of immediacies and misconceptions, to see more largely and more freely than i had ever done before.
i have told how in my muddled and wounded phase i had snatched at the dull project of improving my languages, and under the cloak of that spying a little upon german military arrangements. now my mind set such petty romanticism on one side. it had recovered the strength to look on the whole of life and on my place in it. it could resume the ideas that our storm of passion had for a time thrust into the background of my thoughts. i took up again all those broad generalizations that had arisen out of my experiences in south africa, and which i had been not so much fitting into as forcing into the formulæ of english politics; i recalled my disillusionment with british imperialism, my vague but elaborating apprehension of a profound conflict between enterprise and labor, a profound conflict between the life of the farm and the life of trade and finance and wholesale production, as being something far truer to realities than any of the issues of party and patriotism upon which men were spending their lives. so far as this rivalry between england and germany, which so obsessed the imagination of europe, went, i found that any faith i may have had in its importance had simply fallen out of my mind. as a danger to civilization, as a conceivable source of destruction and delay, it was a monstrous business enough, but that in the long run it mattered how or when they fought and which won i did not believe. in the development of mankind the thing was of far less importance than the struggle for flanders or the wars of france and burgundy. i was already coming to see europe as no more than the dog's-eared corner of the page of history,—like most europeans i had thought it the page—and my recovering mind was eager and open to see the world beyond and form some conception of the greater forces that lay outside our insularities. what is humanity as a whole doing? what is the nature of the world process of which i am a part? why should i drift from cradle to grave wearing the blinkers of my time and nationality, a mere denizen of christendom, accepting its beliefs, its stale antagonisms, its unreal purposes? that perhaps had been tolerable while i was still an accepted member of the little world into which my lot had fallen, but now that i was thrust out its absurdity glared. for me the alternative was to be a world-man or no man. i had seemed sinking towards the latter: now i faced about and began to make myself what i still seek to make myself to-day, a son of mankind, a conscious part of that web of effort and perplexity which wraps about our globe....
all this i say came into my mind as if it were a part of that recovery of my mind from its first passionate abjection. and it seemed a simple and obvious part of the same conversion to realize that i was ignorant and narrow, and that, too, in a world which is suffering like a beast in a slime pit by reason of ignorance and narrowness of outlook, and that it was my manifest work and purpose to make myself less ignorant and to see and learn with all my being. it came to me as a clear duty that i should get out of the land of hotels and leisure and go seeking the facts and clues to human inter-relationship nearer the earthy roots of things, and i turned my thoughts to india and china, those vast enigmas of human accumulation, in a spirit extraordinarily like that of some mystic who receives a call. i felt i must go to asia and from asia perhaps round the world. but it was the greatness of asia commanded me. i wanted to see the east not as a spectacle but as the simmering vat in which the greater destiny of man brews and brews....
