all that golden summer on the threshold of my manhood was filled by mary. i loved her with the love of a boy and a man. either i was with mary or i was hoping and planning to be with mary or i was full of some vivid[pg 54] new impression of her or some enigmatical speech, some pregnant nothing, some glance or gesture engaged and perplexed my mind. in those days i slept the profound sweet sleep of youth, but whenever that deep flow broke towards the shallows, as i sank into it at night and came out of it at morning, i passed through dreams of mary to and from a world of waking thought of her.
there must have been days of friendly intercourse when it seemed we talked nothings and wandered and meandered among subjects, but always we had our eyes on one another. and afterwards i would spend long hours in recalling and analyzing those nothings, questioning their nothingness, making out of things too submerged and impalpable for the rough drags of recollection, promises and indications. i would invent ingenious things to say, things pushing out suddenly from nothingness to extreme significance. i rehearsed a hundred declarations.
it was easy for us to be very much together. we were very free that summer and life was all leisure. lady ladislaw was busied with her own concerns; she sometimes went away for two or three days leaving no one but an attenuated governess with even the shadow of a claim to interfere with mary. moreover she was used to seeing me with her children at burnmore; we were still in her eyes no more than children.... and also perhaps she did not greatly mind if indeed we did a little fall in love together. to her that may have seemed a very natural and slight and transitory possibility....
one afternoon of warm shadows in the wood near the red-lacquered chinese bridge, we two were alone together and we fell silent. i was trembling and full of a wild courage. i can feel now the exquisite surmise, the doubt of that moment. our eyes met. she looked up at me with an unwonted touch of fear in her expression and i laid my hands on her. she did not recoil, she stood mute with her lips pressed together, looking at me steadfastly. i can feel that moment now as a tremendous hesitation, blank and yet full of light and life, like a clear sky in the moment before dawn....
she made a little move towards me. impulsively, with no word said, we kissed.
