one must have children and love them passionately before one realizes the deep indignity of accident in life. it is not that i mind so much when unexpected and disconcerting things happen to you or your sisters, but that i mind before they happen. my dreams and anticipations of your lives are all marred by my sense of the huge importance mere chance encounters and incalculable necessities will play in them. and in friendship and still more here, in this central business of love, accident rules it seems to me almost altogether. what personalities you will encounter in life, and have for a chief interest in life, is nearly as much a matter of chance as the drift of a grain of pollen in the pine forest. and once the light hazard has blown it has blown, never to drive again. in other schoolrooms and nurseries, in slum living-rooms perhaps or workhouse wards or palaces, round the other side of the earth, in canada or russia or china, other little creatures are trying their small limbs, clutching at things about them with infantile hands, who someday will come into your life with a power and magic monstrous and irrational and irresistible. they will break the limits of your concentrating self, call you out to the service of beauty and the service of the race, sound you to your highest and your lowest, give you your chance to be godlike or filthy, divine or utterly ignoble, react together with you upon the very core and essence of your being. these unknowns are the substance of your fate. you will in extreme intimacy love them, hate them, serve them, struggle with them, and in that interaction the vital force in you and the substance of your days will be spent.
and who they may chance to be and their peculiar quality and effect is haphazard, utterly beyond designing.
law and custom conspire with the natural circumstances of man to exaggerate every consequence of this accumulating accident, and make it definite and fatal....
i find it quite impossible now to recall the steps and stages by which this power of sex invaded my life. it seems to me now that it began very much as a gale begins, in catspaws upon the water and little rustlings among the leaves, and then stillness and then a distant soughing again and a pause, and then a wider and longer disturbance and so more and more, with a gathering continuity, until at last the stars were hidden, the heavens were hidden; all the heights and depths of life were obscured by stormy impulses and passionate desires. i suppose that quite at the first there were simple curiosities; no doubt they were vivid at the time but they have left scarcely a trace; there were vague first intimations of a peculiar excitement. i do remember more distinctly phases when there was a going-out from myself towards these things, these interests, and then a reaction of shame and concealment.
and these memories were mixed up with others not sexual at all, and particularly with the perception of beauty in things inanimate, with lights seen at twilight and the tender mysteriousness of the dusk and the confused disturbing scents of flowers in the evening and the enigmatical serene animation of stars in the summer sky....
i think perhaps that my boyhood was exceptionally free from vulgarizing influences in this direction. there were few novels in my father's house and i neither saw nor read any plays until i was near manhood, so that i thought naturally about love and not rather artificially round and about love as so many imaginative young people are trained to do. i fell in love once or twice while i was still quite a boy. these earliest experiences rarely got beyond a sort of dumb awe, a vague, vast, ineffectual desire for self-immolation. for a time i remember i worshipped lady ladislaw with all my being. then i talked to a girl in a train—i forget upon what journey—but i remember very vividly her quick color and a certain roguish smile. i spread my adoration at her feet, fresh and frank. i wanted to write to her. indeed i wanted to devote all my being to her. i begged hard, but there was someone called auntie who had to be considered, an atropos for that thread of romance.
then there was a photograph in my father's study of the delphic sibyl from the sistine chapel, that for a time held my heart, and—yes, there was a girl in a tobacconist's shop in the harbury high street. drawn by an irresistible impulse i used to go and buy cigarettes—and sometimes converse about the weather. but afterwards in solitude i would meditate tremendous conversations and encounters with her. the cigarettes increased the natural melancholy of my state and led to a reproof from old henson. almost always i suppose there is that girl in the tobacconist's shop....
i believe if i made an effort i could disinter some dozens of such memories, more and more faded until the marginal ones would be featureless and all but altogether effaced. as i look back at it now i am struck by an absurd image; it is as if a fish nibbled at this bait and then at that.
given but the slightest aid from accidental circumstances and any of those slight attractions might have become a power to deflect all my life.
the day of decision arrived when, the lady mary christian came smiling out of the sunshine to me into the pavilion at burnmore. with that the phase of stirrings and intimations was over for ever in my life. all those other impressions went then to the dusty lumber room from which i now so slightingly disinter them.
