i
louis had wakened up a few minutes before rachel returned to the bedroom from that most wonderfully conscientious spell of silver-cleaning. he was relieved to find himself alone. he was ill, perhaps very ill, but he felt unquestionably better than in the night. he was delivered from the appalling fear of death which had tortured and frightened him, and his thankfulness was intense; and yet at the same time he was aware of a sort of heroical sentimental regret that he was not, after all, dead; he would almost have preferred to die with grandeur, young, unfortunate, wept for by an inconsolable wife doomed to everlasting widowhood. he was ashamed of his bodily improvement, which rendered him uncomfortably self-conscious, for he had behaved as though dying when, as the event proved, he was not dying.
when rachel came in, this self-consciousness grew terrible. and in his weakness, his constraint, his febrile perturbation which completely destroyed presence of mind, he feebly remarked—
"did any one call yesterday to ask how i was?"
as soon as he had said it he knew that it was inept, and quite unsuitable to the role which he ought to play.
rachel had gone straight to the dressing-table, apparently ignoring him, though she could not possibly have failed to notice that he was awake. she turned sharply and gazed at him with a look of inimical contempt that aggrieved and scarified him very acutely. making no answer to his query, content solely to condemn it with her eyes as egotistic and vain, she said—
"i'm going to make you some food."
and then she curtly showed him her bent back, and over the foot of the bed he could see her preparations—preliminary stirring with a spoon, the placing of the bright tin saucepan on the lamp, the opening of the wick, seizing of the match-box.
as soon as the cooking was in train, she threw up the window wide and then came to the bed.
"i'll just put your bed to rights again," she remarked, and seized the pillow, waiting implacably for him to raise his head. he had to raise his head.
"i'm very ill," he moaned.
she replied in a tone of calm indifference—
"i know you are. but you'll soon be better. you're getting a little better every hour." and she finished arranging the bed, which was presently in a state of smooth geometrical correctness. he could find no fault with her efficiency, nor with her careful handling of his sensitive body. but the hard, the marmoreal cruelty of his wife's spirit exquisitely wounded his soul, which, after all, was at least as much in need of consolation as his body. he was positively daunted.
ii
he had passed through dreadful moments in the early part of the night while rachel slept. when he had realized that he was doomed—for the conviction that death was upon him had been absolutely sincere and final for a long time—he was panic-stricken, impressed, and strangely proud, all at once. but the panic was paramount. he was afraid, horribly afraid. his cowardice was ghastly, even to himself, shot through though it was by a peculiar appreciation of the grandiosity of his fate as a martyr to clumsy chance. he was reduced by it to the trembling repentant sinner, as the proud prisoner is reduced to abjection by prolonged and secret torture in oriental prisons. he ranged in fright over the whole of his career, and was obliged to admit, and to admit with craven obsequiousness, that he had been a wicked man, obstinate in wickedness.
he remembered matters which had utterly vanished from his memory. he remembered, for example, the excellence of his moral aspirations when he had first thought of rachel as a wife, and the firm, high resolves which were to be carried out if he married her. forgotten! forgotten! as soon as he had won her he had thought of nothing but self-indulgence, pleasure, capricious delights. his tailor still languished for money long justly due. he had not even restored the defalcations in horrocleave's petty cash. of course it would have been difficult to restore a sum comparatively so large without causing suspicion. to restore it would have involved a long series of minute acts, alterations of alterations in the cash entries, and constant ingenuity in a hundred ways. but it ought to have been done, and might have been done. it might have been done. he admitted that candidly, fully, with despicable tremblings....
and the worst of all, naturally, was the theft from his aunt. theft? was it a theft? he had never before consented to define the affair as a theft; it had been a misfortune, an indiscretion. but now he was ready to call it a theft, in order to be on the safe side. for the sake of placating omnipotence let it be deemed a theft, and even a mean theft, entailing dire consequences on a weak old woman! let it be as bad as the severest judge chose to make it! he would not complain. he would accept the arraignment (though really he had not been so blameworthy, etc....). he knew that with all his sins he, possessed the virtues of good nature, kindness, and politeness. he was not wholly vile. in some ways he honestly considered himself a model to mankind.
and then he had recalled certain information received in childhood from authoritative persons about the merciful goodness of god. his childhood had been rather ceremoniously religious, for his step-uncle, the lieutenant-general, was a great defender of christianity as well as of the british empire. the lieutenant-general had even written a pamphlet against a ribald iconoclastic book published by the rationalist press association, in which pamphlet he had made a sorry mess of herbert spencer. all the lieutenant-general's relatives and near admirers went to church, and they all went to precisely the same kind of church, for no other kind would have served. louis, however, had really liked going to church. there had once even been a mad suggestion that he should become a choir-boy, but the lieutenant-general had naturally decided that it was not meet for a child of breeding to associate with plebeians in order to chant the praises of the almighty.
louis at his worst had never quite ceased to attend church, though he was under the impression that his religious views had broadened, if not entirely changed. beneath the sudden heavy menace of death he discovered that his original views were, after all, the most authentic and the strongest. and he had much longed for converse with a clergyman, who would repeat to him the beautiful reassurances of his infancy. even late in the afternoon, hours before the supreme crisis, he would have welcomed a clergyman, for he was already beginning to be afraid. he would have liked a clergyman to drop in by accident; he would have liked the first advances to come from the clergyman.
but he could not bring himself to suggest that the rector of st. luke's, of whose flock he now formed part, should be sent for. he had demanded a lawyer, and that was as near to a clergyman as he could get. he had been balked of the lawyer. further on in the evening, when his need was more acute and his mind full of frightful secret apprehensions, he was as far as ever from obtaining a clergyman. and he knew that, though his eternal welfare might somehow depend on the priest, he could never articulate to rachel the words, "i should like to see a clergyman." it would seem too absurd to ask for a clergyman.... strangeness of the human heart!
it was after rachel had fallen asleep that the idea of confession had occurred to him as a means towards safety in the future life. the example of julian had inspired him. he had despised julian; he had patronized julian; but in his extremity he had been ready to imitate him. he seemed to conceive that confession before death must be excellent for the soul. at any rate, it prevented one from going down to the tomb with a lie tacit on the lips. he was very ill, very weak, very intimidated. and he was very solitary and driven in on himself—not so much because rachel had gone to sleep as because neither rachel nor anybody else would believe that he was really dying. his spirit was absorbed in the gravest preoccupations that can trouble a man. his need of sympathy and succour was desperate. thus he had wakened rachel. at first she had been as sympathetic and consoling as he could desire. she had held his hand and sat on the bed. the momentary relief was wonderful. and he had been encouraged to confess.
he had prodded himself on to confession by the thought that rachel must have known of his guilt all along—otherwise she would never have told that senseless lie about the scullery door being open. hence his confession could not surprise her. she would receive it in the right, loving, wifely attitude, telling him that he was making too much of a little, that it was splendid of him to confess, and generally exonerating and rehabilitating him.
then he had begun to confess. the horrible change in her tone as he came to the point had unnerved him. her wild sobs when the confession was made completed his dismay. and then, afterwards, her incredible harshness and cruelty, her renewed refusal, flat and disdainful, to believe that he was dying—these things were the most wounding experience of his entire existence. as for her refusal to listen to the rest of his story, the important part, the exculpatory part—it was monstrously unjust. he had had an instant's satisfaction on beholding her confusion at being charged with the lie about the scullery door, but it was a transient advantage. he was so ill.... she had bullied him with the lacerating emphasis of her taciturn remarks.... and at last she had requested him not to make it any more awkward for her!...
iii
when he had obediently taken the food and thanked her for it very nicely, he felt much better. the desire for a clergyman, or even for a lawyer, passed away from his mind; he forgot the majority of his sins and his aspirations, and the need for restoring the defalcations to jim horrocleave seemed considerably less urgent. rachel stayed by him while he ate, but she would not meet his glance, and looked carefully at the window.
"as soon as i've tidied up the room, i'll just sponge your hands," said she. "the doctor will be here early. i suppose i mustn't touch your face."
louis inquired—
"how do you know he'll be here early?"
"he said he should—because of the dressings, you know."
she went to work on the room, producing a duster from somewhere, and ringing for mrs. tams, who, however, was not permitted to enter. louis hated these preparations for the doctor. he had never in his life been able to understand why women were always so absurdly afraid of the doctor's eye. as if the doctor would care! moreover, the room was being tidied for the doctor, not for the invalid! the invalid didn't matter! when she came to him with a bowl of water, soap, and a towel, he loathed the womanish scheme of being washed in bed.
"i'll get up," he said. "i'm lots better." he had previously intended to feign extreme illness, but he forgot.
"oh no, you won't," she replied coldly. "first you think you're dying, and then you think you're all right. you won't stir out of that bed till the doctor's been, at any rate."
and she lodged the bowl dangerously between his knees. he pretended to be contemptuous of her refusal to let him get up, but in fact he was glad of an excuse for not making good his boast. his previous statement that he was very ill was much nearer to the truth than the fine talking about being "lots better." if not very ill, he was, at any rate, more ill than he now thought he was, and eating had fatigued him. nevertheless, he would wash his own hands. rachel yielded to him in this detail with cynical indifference. she put the towel by the bowl, and left him to balance the bowl and keep the soap off the counterpane as best he could, while she rummaged in one of the drawers of the wardrobe—obviously for the simple sake of rummaging.
her unwifeliness was astounding; it was so astounding that louis did not all at once quite realize how dangerously he was wounded by it. he had seen that hard, contumelious mask on her face several times before; he had seen it, for instance, when she had been expressing her views on councillor batchgrew; but he had not conceived, in his absurd male confidence, that it would ever be directed against himself. he could not snatch the mask from her face, but he wondered how he might pierce it, and incidentally hurt her and make her cry softly. ah! he had seen her in moods of softness which were celestial to him—surpassing all dreams of felicity!
the conviction of his own innocence and victimhood strengthened in him. amid the morbid excitations of the fear of death, he had forgotten that in strict truth he had not stolen a penny from his great-aunt, that he was utterly innocent. he now vividly remembered that his sole intention in taking possession of the bank-notes had been to teach his great-aunt a valuable lesson about care in the guarding of money. afterwards he had meant to put the notes back where he had found them; chance had prevented; he had consistently acted for the best in very sudden difficulties, and after all, in the result, it was not he who was responsible for the destruction of the notes, but rachel.... true, that in the night his vision of the affair had been less favourable to himself, but in the night illness had vitiated his judgment, which was not strange, seeing the dreadful accident he had experienced.... he might have died, and where would rachel have been then?... was it not amazing that a young wife who had just escaped widowhood so narrowly could behave to a husband, a seriously sick husband, as rachel was behaving to him?
he wished that he had not used the word "collar" in confessing to rachel. it was equal to "steal." its significance was undebatable. yes, "collar" was a grave error of phrasing.
"i'm about done with this basin thing," he said, with all possible dignity, and asked for brushes of various sorts for the completion of his toilet. she served him slowly, coolly. her intention was clear to act as a capable but frigid nurse—not as a wife. he saw that she thought herself the wife of a thief, and that she was determined not to be the wife of a thief. he could not bear it. the situation must be changed immediately, because his pride was bleeding to death.
"i say," he began, when she had taken away the towel and his tooth-powder.
"what?" her tone challenged him.
"you wouldn't let me finish last night. i just wanted to tell you that i didn't—"
"i've no wish to hear another word." she stopped him, precisely as she had stopped him in the night. she was at the washstand.
"i should be obliged if you'd look at me when you speak to me," he reproached her manners. "it's only polite."
she turned to him with face flaming. they were both aware that his deportment was better than hers; and he perceived that the correction had abraded her susceptibility.
"i'll look at you all right," she answered, curtly and rather loudly.
he adopted a superior attitude.
"of course i'm ill and weak," he said, "but even if i am i suppose i'm entitled to some consideration." he lay back on the pillow.
"i can't help your being ill," she answered. "it's not my fault. and if you're so ill and weak as all that, it seems to me the best thing you can do is to be quiet and not to talk, especially about—about that!"
"well, perhaps you'll let me be the best judge of what i ought to talk about. anyhow, i'm going to talk about it, and you're going to listen."
"i'm not."
"i say you're going to listen," he insisted, turning on his side towards her. "and why not? why, what on earth did i say last night, after all, i should like to know?"
"you said you'd taken the other part of the money of mrs. maldon's—that's what you said. you thought you were dying, and so you told me."
"that's just what i want to explain. i'm going to explain it to you."
"no explanations for me, thanks!" she sneered, walking in the direction of the hearth. "i'd sooner hear anything, anything, than your explanations." she seemed to shudder.
he nerved himself.
"i tell you i found that money," he cried, recommencing.
"well, good-bye," she said, moving to the door. "you don't seem to understand."
at the same moment there was a knock at the door.
"come in, mrs. tarns," said rachel calmly.
"she mustn't come in now," louis protested.
"come in, mrs. tams," rachel repeated decisively.
and mrs. tams entered, curtsying towards the bed.
"what is it?" rachel asked her.
"it's the greengrocer's cart, ma'am." the greengrocer usually did send round on saturday mornings.
"i'll go down. just clear up that washstand, will you?"
it was remarkable to louis how chance would favour a woman in an altercation. but he had decided, even if somewhat hysterically, to submit to no more delay, and to end the altercation—and moreover, to end it in his own way.
"rachel!" he called. several times he called her name, more and more loudly. he ignored what was due to servants, to greengrocers, and to the dignity of employers. he kept on calling.
"shall i fetch missis, sir?" mrs. tams suggested at length.
he nodded. mrs. tams departed, laden. certainly the fat creature, from whom nothing could be hid by a younger generation, had divined that strife had supervened on illness, and that great destinies hung upon the issue. neither mrs. tams nor rachel returned to the bedroom. louis began again to call for rachel, and then to yell for her. he could feel that the effort was exhausting him, but he was determined to vanquish her.
iv
without a sound she startlingly appeared in the room.
"what's the matter?" she inquired, with her irritating assumption of tranquillity.
"you know what's the matter."
"i wish you wouldn't scream like a baby," she said.
"you know i want to speak to you, and you're keeping out of the way on purpose."
rachel said—
"look here, louis! do you want me to leave the house altogether?"
he thought—
"what is she saying? we've only been married a few weeks. this is getting serious."
aloud he answered—
"of course i don't want you to leave the house."
"well, then, don't say any more. because if you do, i shall. i've heard all i want to hear. there are some things i can bear, and some i can't bear."
"if you don't listen—!" he exclaimed. "i'm warning you!"
she glanced at the thief in him, and at the coward penitent of the night, with the most desolating disdain, and left the room. that was her answer to his warning.
"all right, my girl! all right!" he said to himself, when she had gone, pulling together his self-esteem, his self-pity, and his masculinity. "you'll regret this. you see if you don't. as to leaving the house, we shall see who'll leave the house. wait till i'm on my legs again. if there is to be a scandal, there shall be a scandal."
one thing was absolutely sure—he could not and would not endure her contumely, nor even her indifferent scorn. for him to live with it would be ridiculous as well as impossible. he was weak, but two facts gave him enormous strength. first, he loved her less than she loved him, and hence she was at a disadvantage. but supposing her passion for him was destroyed? then the second fact came into play. he had money. he had thousands of pounds, loose, available! to such a nature as his the control of money gives a sense of everlasting security. already he dreamt of freedom, of roaming the wide world, subject to no yoke but a bachelor's whim.
《how to live on 24 hours a day》
