back to personal experiences and the effects in the past of john barleycorn's white logic on me. on my lovely ranch in the valley of the moon, brain-soaked with many months of alcohol, i am oppressed by the cosmic sadness that has always been the heritage of man. in vain do i ask myself why i should be sad. my nights are warm. my roof does not leak. i have food galore for all the caprices of appetite. every creature comfort is mine. in my body are no aches nor pains. the good old flesh-machine is running smoothly on. neither brain nor muscle is overworked. i have land, money, power, recognition from the world, a consciousness that i do my meed of good in serving others, a mate whom i love, children that are of my own fond flesh. i have done, and am doing, what a good citizen of the world should do. i have built houses, many houses, and tilled many a hundred acres. and as for trees, have i not planted a hundred thousand? everywhere, from any window of my house, i can gaze forth upon these trees of my planting, standing valiantly erect and aspiring toward the sun.
my life has indeed fallen in pleasant places. not a hundred men in a million have been so lucky as i. yet, with all this vast good fortune, am i sad. and i am sad because john barleycorn is with me. and john barleycorn is with me because i was born in what future ages will call the dark ages before the ages of rational civilisation. john barleycorn is with me because in all the unwitting days of my youth john barleycorn was accessible, calling to me and inviting me on every corner and on every street between the corners. the pseudo-civilisation into which i was born permitted everywhere licensed shops for the sale of soul-poison. the system of life was so organised that i (and millions like me) was lured and drawn and driven to the poison shops.
wander with me through one mood of the myriad moods of sadness into which one is plunged by john barleycorn. i ride out over my beautiful ranch. between my legs is a beautiful horse. the air is wine. the grapes on a score of rolling hills are red with autumn flame. across sonoma mountain wisps of sea fog are stealing. the afternoon sun smoulders in the drowsy sky. i have everything to make me glad i am alive. i am filled with dreams and mysteries. i am all sun and air and sparkle. i am vitalised, organic. i move, i have the power of movement, i command movement of the live thing i bestride. i am possessed with the pomps of being, and know proud passions and inspirations. i have ten thousand august connotations. i am a king in the kingdom of sense, and trample the face of the uncomplaining dust....
and yet, with jaundiced eye i gaze upon all the beauty and wonder about me, and with jaundiced brain consider the pitiful figure i cut in this world that endured so long without me and that will again endure without me. i remember the men who broke their hearts and their backs over this stubborn soil that now belongs to me. as if anything imperishable could belong to the perishable! these men passed. i, too, shall pass. these men toiled, and cleared, and planted, gazed with aching eyes, while they rested their labour-stiffened bodies on these same sunrises and sunsets, at the autumn glory of the grape, and at the fog-wisps stealing across the mountain. and they are gone. and i know that i, too, shall some day, and soon, be gone.
gone? i am going now. in my jaw are cunning artifices of the dentists which replace the parts of me already gone. never again will i have the thumbs of my youth. old fights and wrestlings have injured them irreparably. that punch on the head of a man whose very name is forgotten settled this thumb finally and for ever. a slip-grip at catch-as-catch-can did for the other. my lean runner's stomach has passed into the limbo of memory. the joints of the legs that bear me up are not so adequate as they once were, when, in wild nights and days of toil and frolic, i strained and snapped and ruptured them. never again can i swing dizzily aloft and trust all the proud quick that is i to a single rope-clutch in the driving blackness of storm. never again can i run with the sled-dogs along the endless miles of arctic trail.
i am aware that within this disintegrating body which has been dying since i was born i carry a skeleton, that under the rind of flesh which is called my face is a bony, noseless death's head. all of which does not shudder me. to be afraid is to be healthy. fear of death makes for life. but the curse of the white logic is that it does not make one afraid. the world-sickness of the white logic makes one grin jocosely into the face of the noseless one and to sneer at all the phantasmagoria of living.
i look about me as i ride and on every hand i see the merciless and infinite waste of natural selection. the white logic insists upon opening the long-closed books, and by paragraph and chapter states the beauty and wonder i behold in terms of futility and dust. about me is murmur and hum, and i know it for the gnat-swarm of the living, piping for a little space its thin plaint of troubled air.
i return across the ranch. twilight is on, and the hunting animals are out. i watch the piteous tragic play of life feeding on life. here is no morality. only in man is morality, and man created it—a code of action that makes toward living and that is of the lesser order of truth. yet all this i knew before, in the weary days of my long sickness. these were the greater truths that i so successfully schooled myself to forget; the truths that were so serious that i refused to take them seriously, and played with gently, oh! so gently, as sleeping dogs at the back of consciousness which i did not care to waken. i did but stir them, and let them lie. i was too wise, too wicked wise, to wake them. but now white logic willy-nilly wakes them for me, for white logic, most valiant, is unafraid of all the monsters of the earthly dream.
"let the doctors of all the schools condemn me," white logic whispers as i ride along. "what of it? i am truth. you know it. you cannot combat me. they say i make for death. what of it? it is truth. life lies in order to live. life is a perpetual lie-telling process. life is a mad dance in the domain of flux, wherein appearances in mighty tides ebb and flow, chained to the wheels of moons beyond our ken. appearances are ghosts. life is ghost land, where appearances change, transfuse, permeate each the other and all the others, that are, that are not, that always flicker, fade, and pass, only to come again as new appearances, as other appearances. you are such an appearance, composed of countless appearances out of the past. all an appearance can know is mirage. you know mirages of desire. these very mirages are the unthinkable and incalculable congeries of appearances that crowd in upon you and form you out of the past, and that sweep you on into dissemination into other unthinkable and incalculable congeries of appearances to people the ghost land of the future. life is apparitional, and passes. you are an apparition. through all the apparitions that preceded you and that compose the parts of you, you rose gibbering from the evolutionary mire, and gibbering you will pass on, interfusing, permeating the procession of apparitions that will succeed you."
and of course it is all unanswerable, and as i ride along through the evening shadows i sneer at that great fetish which comte called the world. and i remember what another pessimist of sentiency has uttered: "transient are all. they, being born, must die, and, being dead, are glad to be at rest."
but here through the dusk comes one who is not glad to be at rest. he is a workman on the ranch, an old man, an immigrant italian. he takes his hat off to me in all servility, because, forsooth, i am to him a lord of life. i am food to him, and shelter, and existence. he has toiled like a beast all his days, and lived less comfortably than my horses in their deep-strawed stalls. he is labour-crippled. he shambles as he walks. one shoulder is twisted higher than the other. his hands are gnarled claws, repulsive, horrible. as an apparition he is a pretty miserable specimen. his brain is as stupid as his body is ugly.
"his brain is so stupid that he does not know he is an apparition," the white logic chuckles to me. "he is sense-drunk. he is the slave of the dream of life. his brain is filled with superrational sanctions and obsessions. he believes in a transcendent over-world. he has listened to the vagaries of the prophets, who have given to him the sumptuous bubble of paradise. he feels inarticulate self-affinities, with self-conjured non-realities. he sees penumbral visions of himself titubating fantastically through days and nights of space and stars. beyond the shadow of any doubt he is convinced that the universe was made for him, and that it is his destiny to live for ever in the immaterial and supersensuous realms he and his kind have builded of the stuff of semblance and deception.
"but you, who have opened the books and who share my awful confidence—you know him for what he is, brother to you and the dust, a cosmic joke, a sport of chemistry, a garmented beast that arose out of the ruck of screaming beastliness by virtue and accident of two opposable great toes. he is brother as well to the gorilla and the chimpanzee. he thumps his chest in anger, and roars and quivers with cataleptic ferocity. he knows monstrous, atavistic promptings, and he is composed of all manner of shreds of abysmal and forgotten instincts."
"yet he dreams he is immortal," i argue feebly. "it is vastly wonderful for so stupid a clod to bestride the shoulders of time and ride the eternities."
"pah!" is the retort. "would you then shut the books and exchange places with this thing that is only an appetite and a desire, a marionette of the belly and the loins?"
"to be stupid is to be happy," i contend.
"then your ideal of happiness is a jelly-like organism floating in a tideless, tepid twilight sea, eh?"
oh, the victim cannot combat john barleycorn!
"one step removed from the annihilating bliss of buddha's nirvana," the white logic adds. "oh well, here's the house. cheer up and take a drink. we know, we illuminated, you and i, all the folly and the farce."
and in my book-walled den, the mausoleum of the thoughts of men, i take my drink, and other drinks, and roust out the sleeping dogs from the recesses of my brain and hallo them on over the walls of prejudice and law and through all the cunning labyrinths of superstition and belief.
"drink," says the white logic. "the greeks believed that the gods gave them wine so that they might forget the miserableness of existence. and remember what heine said."
well do i remember that flaming jew's "with the last breath all is done: joy, love, sorrow, macaroni, the theatre, lime-trees, raspberry drops, the power of human relations, gossip, the barking of dogs, champagne."
"your clear white light is sickness," i tell the white logic. "you lie."
"by telling too strong a truth," he quips back.
"alas, yes, so topsy-turvy is existence," i acknowledge sadly.
"ah, well, liu ling was wiser than you," the white logic girds. "you remember him?"
i nod my head—liu ling, a hard drinker, one of the group of bibulous poets who called themselves the seven sages of the bamboo grove and who lived in china many an ancient century ago.
"it was liu ling," prompts the white logic, "who declared that to a drunken man the affairs of this world appear but as so much duckweed on a river. very well. have another scotch, and let semblance and deception become duck-weed on a river."
and while i pour and sip my scotch, i remember another chinese philosopher, chuang tzu, who, four centuries before christ, challenged this dreamland of the world, saying: "how then do i know but that the dead repent of having previously clung to life? those who dream of the banquet, wake to lamentation and sorrow. those who dream of lamentation and sorrow, wake to join the hunt. while they dream, they do not know that they dream. some will even interpret the very dream they are dreaming; and only when they awake do they know it was a dream.... fools think they are awake now, and flatter themselves they know if they are really princes or peasants. confucius and you are both dreams; and i who say you are dreams—i am but a dream myself.
"once upon a time, i, chuang tzu, dreamt i was a butterfly, fluttering hither and thither, to all intents and purposes a butterfly. i was conscious only of following my fancies as a butterfly, and was unconscious of my individuality as a man. suddenly, i awaked, and there i lay, myself again. now i do not know whether i was then a man dreaming i was a butterfly, or whether i am now a butterfly dreaming i am a man."
