london, terrible, magnificent london, to my eyes like a huge monster, moving countless fangs in countless directions. i walked along, stunned, benumbed, dazzled as it were, with neither feeling nor thought, just shrinking a little when i saw the frail figure of a paper-boy slip through the mass of carriages and horses, risking his life a hundred times in order to catch a single copper. and yet, if he had been crushed by the wheels of a motor, or by the hoofs of a horse, would that have mattered? the wave of pleasure and corruption would rush onward, and only in a dingy little room a pale, ragged woman might grow still a shade paler if by the break of dawn her boy had not come home. and realizing that, something within me revolted; i thought of him in whose honour we are reverently building altars of gold, burning incense, and all at once to me he lost his glory.
was he not sleeping within a leafy bower, drunk, and forgetful of his world?
and was there nobody who dared to rouse and sober him?
the next second i was myself again. a silken gown rustled, a silver horn whistled, and people next to me laughed. feeling very tired and shivering with cold, i longed for shelter and rest. at last, after much asking and useless running here and there, i found a cheap german home for young girls. my limbs were trembling, and i could hardly stand when i was shown into the room of the directress. i remained on the threshold for a few minutes, so sweet and pleasing to me was the sight of that cosily furnished place. all was softness and luxury; a profusion of carpets, cushions, and easy chairs around a sparkling fire. on a little table there was a vase with fresh flowers, and in a cage near by a little yellow bird was swinging to and fro. next to the fire there sat an elderly lady, with shawls round her shoulders and shawls on her knees. i felt like sitting down, closing my eyes, and saying nothing. however, the lady told me not to sit down because my wet clothes might soil the covers or the cushions. so i remained standing, and answered her questions as precisely as i could.
"is it a situation you want?"
"yes."
"and to stay here while you are looking for something suitable?"
"yes."
"you could hardly have found a better place than our worthy home, but before i regard you as one of its occupants, i must ask you if you have got sufficient money to last you for at least two months, in case you should find no situation before then. our home is a most respectable home, and i could not think of taking in anybody with a doubtful character."
as my friend had not only sent me enough money for the journey, but also a larger sum for ordinary expenses, i told the directress that my money would last for the board, but in my heart of hearts i was determined not to stay there for two months.
after having settled everything to her satisfaction, she pressed a button, and ordered the entering servant to take me to my room. this time there was no need for me to fear that i might soil any covers or cushions. the room looked cold and grey, and seemed to be as damp and dreary as the foggy streets themselves. it contained a few wardrobes let into the wall, a few washstands, and eight beds.
"are the beds all occupied?" i asked the maid.
"of course," she replied, gazing at me with some surprise.
a little later the home filled with girls of all ages, and when the supper-bell rang, the dining-room was crowded with about two hundred girls. after supper, at which the girls were very noisy, we had to go into another room for prayer. on a footstool knelt the directress, with her eyes raised up devoutly to the ceiling. she began to recite a series of prayers, at the end of which we all sang a hymn. then the directress folded her hands once more, and said:
"o lord, take care of all the helpless young girls that are in london without shelter and protection" ("and without money," i thought to myself). "guard their footsteps to prevent them from stumbling, and have mercy on those who have, alas! stumbled already. o most holy lord, grant our humble prayers, enlighten the blind, and protect the defenceless. amen."
she looked very sweet and dignified as she knelt there, with her white head bowed reverently, and lost in prayer as it seemed. after a little while she got up and walked out. the girls followed her, laughing and pushing each other; they went up to their bedrooms, and i now became acquainted with the other occupants of my room. i did not care for them. they laughed continually, telling one another shameless stories, and i knew from their conversation that they were mostly chamber-maids and had come from switzerland.
"have you only arrived to-day?" someone asked me.
i turned round to the speaker, and saw that she was a girl of my age. without knowing exactly why, i asked myself whether she was pretty or not, and while i answered her, i thought about the question i had put to myself, and decided at last that she was pretty. she had large bright eyes and auburn hair; her face was well-shaped, yet there was something in it to which i could not get used. what it was, however, i could not tell. she asked me a few other questions, and i inquired whether it was possible for me to find a situation soon.
"what kind of situation do you want?"
"i don't at all mind," i answered.
"as you do not seem to be so very particular, i think you will find one easily."
later on i noticed that she slept in the bed next to me. i liked her best of all the girls. when she got into bed she rubbed her hands with glycerine, that was all. the others took far more trouble in getting ready for the night. midst laughing and joking they took off their false plaits, etc., and throwing the things on their beds, they began to dance about on them. at ten o'clock the light had to be put out, but the girls became none the quieter for that. they had so many things to tell each other, and several times, when i was on the point of going off to sleep, their laughter woke me again.
by-and-by, however, the stories grew shorter, their jokes less frequent, and at last they all slept the sound, peaceful sleep of heedlessness. although the girls had not made a very good impression on me, i was glad to rest my tired limbs, and while i listened to their breathing, my soul filled with almost happy thoughts.
on the following morning we had to assemble again for prayer, and i noticed that they were different from those of the evening before. each girl having received a bible, we formed a circle. then the directress began to read a passage out of the bible, and we had in our turn to continue.
when it was my turn i read:
"and of the rest of the oil that is in his hand shall the priest put upon the tip of the right ear of him that is to be cleansed, and upon the thumb of his right hand, and upon the great-toe of his right foot, upon the blood of the trespass offering."
at the end the directress again prayed for the "poor helpless girls," and after that we were free for the day. as soon as i had got up from my knees, i went over to the directress and asked her to give me an address at which i might inquire for a situation. she motioned me to follow her. in her room she sat down, and looked at me thoughtfully.
"you want to look for a place already to-day, don't you?" she said. "i can quite understand that you are in some hurry; but, as i have agreed to take care of your soul, i cannot let such an earnest matter as this one pass without giving you a little motherly advice. so many girls arrive in london daily, who have left their homes in the sweetness and innocence of their youth, and who return home quite otherwise. therefore i should like to know that you are prepared for all dangers which might threaten you. will you promise to pray to god to take care of you, to assist you, to counsel you, to lead you?"
i promised everything.
"there, then, are several addresses where you may try to find something suitable, and i only hope that you will be received into the bosom of a god-fearing family."
i thanked her very much for the slip of paper she had handed me, and, after i had left her, i sprang upstairs to get my hat and coat. several of the girls were just putting on their hats, and asked me where i was going to. i told them, whereupon they replied that they wanted to go to the same place, and that i might come with them because they knew the way. although i felt sincerely grateful for their offer, i was annoyed at the time they took to put on their hats. there was only one looking-glass in the room, and this the girls surrounded, adjusting their hats by the aid of hat-pins, of which they possessed incredible numbers. whenever i thought that they had at last finished, they took off their hats again, declaring that they did not look their best to-day, and tried all means and ways to look it after all. i stood there waiting for them with my quiet little hat on my head and felt terribly impatient. i longed to find a situation in order to be able to leave the home. the others, it is true, did not seem to have a similar wish. apparently they were quite contented, even happy, and cared little whether they got a situation or not. a fair girl who was so tall that she towered above the others had given a bold sweep to her great black transparent hat, and was now trying it on.
"do you find it becoming like that?" she asked, after which she had to turn round and round, and was assured eventually that it was very becoming.
just when i thought that she looked horrid, she turned to me and said:
"hurry up, little one; we are almost ready."
"i have been ready for a long time," i answered in surprise.
but now it was her turn to be surprised.
"surely you don't mean to go out like that?"
"well, of course."
at that they all laughed, and, after having cooled down a little, one of the girls said:
"you don't seem to know london ways yet, and we shall have to do a little for you. in such clothes you will never get a situation; i can give you that by writing, my dear."
"but what am i to do?"
"leave her alone," the fair girl intervened; "she who does not possess chic by nature will never acquire it."
the others seemed to agree with this, and said no more about me. when all of them had their hats on, they began to hunt in their trunks and bags for such things as a pair of gloves without holes, a handkerchief that was clean, and so forth.
at last they were ready to go, and i kept behind them in the street because i thought they were ashamed of me. the remark, however, that one of the girls had made—namely, "that she could give it to me by writing," that i would never find a post in such clothes—haunted and troubled me.
it was most important for me to find a situation as soon as possible if i did not want to ask for more money from my friend. and that i would not do. i had sent him a few cards during the journey, but was going to write him a long letter as soon as i knew how matters stood; and so full was i with that one thought that to-day i cared little for what went on around me. only once when we went over a mighty bridge did i stop, and look enraptured at a swarm of greyish birds such as i had never seen before. they were sea-gulls.
after much wandering which made me very tired and recalled to my memory the old pains in my knees, the girls stopped at last in front of a beautiful house and entered gaily. i followed them into a large room, and on the benches and chairs there sat girls who apparently were also looking for situations. at a writing-desk an elderly lady and a young girl were sitting and writing diligently in large books which were placed in front of them.
the girls were called up one after the other, and after those who had been there when we arrived had gone, it was our turn.
the tall, fair girl went up first and sat down with affected dignity.
"what i want," she said to the inquiry of the elder lady, "is a place where i should get enough spare-time to see my friends at and away from home; also i do not wish to have charge of more than one child, not older than twelve, and not younger than six years."
the younger lady at the desk put down the notes; but the elder one smiled politely, and said she was sorry, but there was nothing suitable at present. shrugging her shoulders, my fair friend left the chair, and another of the girls explained what she wished to get, and what she did not wish to take. but she, too, was sent away with a polite phrase only. after they were all told that nothing suitable was to be had at present, they prepared to go, and went away together without giving me another look. i felt greatly relieved when they had gone; and because it was now my turn i stepped near the desk.
"i expect you have only just arrived."
"yesterday."
"i am afraid you had a bad crossing, you look so pale."
i told her that i was always pale.
"what are your requirements?"
"i have no requirements whatever—all i want is a situation."
"have you got any papers?"
i handed her my reference from buda-pesth, and, after having read it carefully, she folded it up and looked at me thoughtfully.
"would you mind doing housework?"
"not at all," i replied, full of new hopes.
she reached for one of the large books, and turned the leaves over.
"would you like to go in the country?"
"with all my heart."
at that she nodded eagerly, and pointing with her finger at a place in the book, she said:
"there is something which i am sure that you would like. the lady here is trying to find a girl who speaks german and who would not object to do the work in the house, besides being a companion to her daughter aged fourteen. there is also a young french woman who is to help you. what do you say to it?"
i thought of the eight beds as well as the girls in the home, and said that i should feel very happy if i could obtain that situation.
"the lady is coming again at two o'clock, and if you like you may wait here and speak with her."
controlling my joy as well as i could, i decided to wait, and sat down on my chair again.
the lady arrived in about an hour. she looked nearly forty years of age, and was very kind. she only repeated what i had heard already, and i agreed to everything. finally she gave me a card with her name and address upon it, and told me to start two days later. when everything was settled she held out her hand to me, but took it back again as if she had thought of something.
"have you had your dinner?"
"no," i said truthfully.
"then you must come with me."
she made me sit down in the carriage in which she had come, and a little later we were seated round a table.
"what would you like to eat?" she asked me.
i said it was all the same to me, whereupon she ordered a lovely dinner and looked much pleased that i liked it. when i had finished she took me into the street again and looked round for one of the red motor-buses. she soon spied one and begged the conductor to take care of me, and to tell me when i had to get out. then she nodded to me once more and i rode back to the home. as soon as i got there i went to the directress and reported my good luck. she, however, looked a little doubtful.
"the whole matter is somewhat suspicious," she said; "it has gone too quick, but all that we can do is to trust in him."
i assured her that i did so, and then i went up into the bedroom and wrote to my friend a letter of some length. the girls who had left the home with me in the morning returned towards supper-time and inquired a little scornfully whether i had got a situation. after i had told them of my success they looked greatly surprised and asked me to tell them all about it. i told them all i knew, and after i had finished the tall, fair girl again shrugged her shoulders.
"that is only the place of a kitchen-maid, but for doing the cooking and scrubbing the floors i am too good, i think;" and while she said that she turned her hat into another shape.
