the next morning all was excitement at the palace. the news of our return had spread abroad, and in the morning copy of the daily whyer, which his majesty found on the breakfast-table when we went down, a full and, i must say, surprisingly accurate account of the interview appeared, together with the information that his majesty would attend parliament in state in the afternoon, and that an address from the throne would be read, in which certain changes in the government would be suggested. there was also a paragraph about a. fish, esquire’s, lecture upon the “unreasonableness of ability,” which the editor advised everybody to try and hear.
his majesty was in quite a fluster, and we spent several hours in preparing an elaborate written speech which he was to read out in the afternoon; and then, having settled this and other matters to our satisfaction, we took kis-smee out for a little walk just before luncheon.
one of the first persons we met was the crocodile at the lodge. he looked once or twice at his majesty, as if in doubt, and then at kis-smee.
on seeing the latter his eyes sparkled, and he came up and spoke at once.
“hullo, wallypug!” he began unceremoniously.
his majesty bowed, a little distantly i thought.
“what a fine fat dog!” exclaimed the crocodile, pointing to kis-smee. “is he for sale?”
“certainly not,” said the wallypug.
the crocodile sighed. “just my luck,” he remarked, “i love dogs and i should so enjoy taking this one home to tea with me. perhaps you will let him visit me sometimes. what’s his name?”
“kis-smee,” said his majesty.
“oh! really wallypug, this is so sudden,” said the crocodile, smirking, “i’d no idea you were so affectionate. i’m so bashful, too. i couldn’t really think of kissing you in public.”
“no, no!” explained his majesty hastily—“kis-smee is the dog’s name; you asked me what his name was, you know.”
“oh!” said the crocodile, looking greatly disappointed. “i misunderstood you. very sorry, i’m sure. well, what are you going to do now?”
his majesty told him of the meeting in the afternoon, and the crocodile promised to come.
“that is,” he added, “if i may bring my invalid with me.”
“who is that?” asked the wallypug.
“oh! a very feeble old joke i’ve got staying with me,” said the crocodile. “i could bring him in the perambulator, you know—the one i used to wheel the weak cup of tea about in—he’s such a nice old man.”
“what is he, did you say?” asked his majesty.
“an old joke,” repeated the crocodile, “his name is joe miller, and he eats nothing but chestnuts, and even they have to be very ancient before he can digest them. oh! he’s a character, i can tell you. make you die of laughing the first time you meet him; but as he always says the same thing over and over again—for hours and hours, he is rather trying at times. however, i will bring him along, and you can judge for yourself.”
we left the crocodile then and went back to luncheon—after which we set out for the house of words.
we found that quite a lot of creatures were waiting in the lobby for the doors to open.
there was the doctor-in-law, telling a funny story to the pig, for which he afterwards made a charge of one pound nineteen and elevenpence, describing it as professional attendance—and wording the bill as follows:
to one pig, one guinea (guinea-pig), £1 1 0
“laugh and grow fat,” one joke, 0 6 8
————
£1 19 11
and to the mole, who happened to overhear the joke, he made another charge; but the mole got out of paying for it on the plea that he couldn’t see it; but whether he meant the bill or the joke i could never find out, moles are notoriously blind.
oom-hi was there and the turtle too, and a. fish, esq., listened, open-mouthed, while they discussed the state of affairs.
the cockatoo, irrepressible as ever, held forth on the subject of socialism to an interested audience, consisting of the crocodile and the rabbit. while the crow filled in a few spare moments by interviewing the pelican. the creatures stood aside very politely to allow his majesty and myself to enter, kis-smee growling ominously at the cockatoo, who screamed, “down with domestic animals,” as he passed. this remark of hers gave offense to the pig also, who demanded to know if she was referring to him.
“of course not,” replied the cockatoo; “you’re not a domestic animal, are you?”
“sure an i am that same in me own counthry,” said the pig, who was evidently of irish descent.
“och down with the dirthy landlords thin,” screamed the cockatoo, which caused the pig to laugh and put him in a good temper again.
“i couldn’t bring the old joke along after all,” whispered the crocodile to me, as we squeezed through the door; “he is more feeble than ever.” “how’s kis-smee?”
“quite well, i think, thank you,” i replied.
“isn’t he delightfully fat,” whispered the crocodile, smacking his lips. “about three nice large mouthfuls, i should say,” he concluded mysteriously, winking one eye at me.
i haven’t the remotest idea what he meant, and besides i hadn’t time to think about it then, for the meeting was about to commence.
we all found seats, and a. fish, esq., being called upon to open the proceedings, he commenced his learned treatise upon the “unreasonableness of misunderstandability.”
what it was all about i haven’t the remotest idea, for what with his extraordinary way of talking, and the continual interruptions of the animals, who would keep shouting, “hear! hear!” “question!” “withdraw!” “order! order!” etc., at all kinds of odd moments, i could not hear a word that was being said. moreover, the hall was unaccountably hot and stuffy, and for some time i had the greatest difficulty in keeping awake; and at last my head sank down and i dozed off, awaking at intervals when the cockatoo was unusually energetic; but at last even her voice was silenced, and i remember no more till i awoke with a start, and found myself, to my great dismay, back again in my own study in london.
i have addressed several letters to “his majesty the wallypug, the royal palace, why,” as i am very anxious to know how affairs are going on there; but i am sorry to say they have always been returned through the post, marked in blue pencil, “not known. insufficient address.”
