“every one asks me what i ‘think’ of everything,” said spencer brydon; “and i make answer as i can—begging or dodging the question, putting them off with any nonsense. it wouldn’t matter to any of them really,” he went on, “for, even were it possible to meet in that stand-and-deliver way so silly a demand on so big a subject, my ‘thoughts’ would still be almost altogether about something that concerns only myself.” he was talking to miss staverton, with whom for a couple of months now he had availed himself of every possible occasion to talk; this disposition and this resource, this comfort and support, as the situation in fact presented itself, having promptly enough taken the first place in the considerable array of rather unattenuated surprises attending his so strangely belated return to america. everything was somehow a surprise; and that might be natural when one had so long and so consistently neglected everything, taken pains to give surprises so much margin for play. he had given them more than thirty years—thirty-three, to be exact; and they now seemed to him to have organised their performance quite on the scale of that licence. he had been twenty-three on leaving new york—he was fifty-six to-day; unless indeed he were to reckon as he had sometimes, since his repatriation, found himself feeling; in which case he would have lived longer than is often allotted to man. it would have taken a century, he repeatedly said to himself, and said also to alice staverton, it would have taken a longer absence and a more averted mind than those even of which he had been guilty, to pile up the differences, the newnesses, the queernesses, above all the bignesses, for the better or the worse, that at present assaulted his vision wherever he looked.
the great fact all the while, however, had been the incalculability; since he had supposed himself, from decade to decade, to be allowing, and in the most liberal and intelligent manner, for brilliancy of change. he actually saw that he had allowed for nothing; he missed what he would have been sure of finding, he found what he would never have imagined. proportions and values were upside-down; the ugly things he had expected, the ugly things of his far-away youth, when he had too promptly waked up to a sense of the ugly—these uncanny phenomena placed him rather, as it happened, under the charm; whereas the “swagger” things, the modern, the monstrous, the famous things, those he had more particularly, like thousands of ingenuous enquirers every year, come over to see, were exactly his sources of dismay. they were as so many set traps for displeasure, above all for reaction, of which his restless tread was constantly pressing the spring. it was interesting, doubtless, the whole show, but it would have been too disconcerting hadn’t a certain finer truth saved the situation. he had distinctly not, in this steadier light, come over all for the monstrosities; he had come, not only in the last analysis but quite on the face of the act, under an impulse with which they had nothing to do. he had come—putting the thing pompously—to look at his “property,” which he had thus for a third of a century not been within four thousand miles of; or, expressing it less sordidly, he had yielded to the humour of seeing again his house on the jolly corner, as he usually, and quite fondly, described it—the one in which he had first seen the light, in which various members of his family had lived and had died, in which the holidays of his overschooled boyhood had been passed and the few social flowers of his chilled adolescence gathered, and which, alienated then for so long a period, had, through the successive deaths of his two brothers and the termination of old arrangements, come wholly into his hands. he was the owner of another, not quite so “good”—the jolly corner having been, from far back, superlatively extended and consecrated; and the value of the pair represented his main capital, with an income consisting, in these later years, of their respective rents which (thanks precisely to their original excellent type) had never been depressingly low. he could live in “europe,” as he had been in the habit of living, on the product of these flourishing new york leases, and all the better since, that of the second structure, the mere number in its long row, having within a twelvemonth fallen in, renovation at a high advance had proved beautifully possible.
these were items of property indeed, but he had found himself since his arrival distinguishing more than ever between them. the house within the street, two bristling blocks westward, was already in course of reconstruction as a tall mass of flats; he had acceded, some time before, to overtures for this conversion—in which, now that it was going forward, it had been not the least of his astonishments to find himself able, on the spot, and though without a previous ounce of such experience, to participate with a certain intelligence, almost with a certain authority. he had lived his life with his back so turned to such concerns and his face addressed to those of so different an order that he scarce knew what to make of this lively stir, in a compartment of his mind never yet penetrated, of a capacity for business and a sense for construction. these virtues, so common all round him now, had been dormant in his own organism—where it might be said of them perhaps that they had slept the sleep of the just. at present, in the splendid autumn weather—the autumn at least was a pure boon in the terrible place—he loafed about his “work” undeterred, secretly agitated; not in the least “minding” that the whole proposition, as they said, was vulgar and sordid, and ready to climb ladders, to walk the plank, to handle materials and look wise about them, to ask questions, in fine, and challenge explanations and really “go into” figures.
it amused, it verily quite charmed him; and, by the same stroke, it amused, and even more, alice staverton, though perhaps charming her perceptibly less. she wasn’t, however, going to be better-off for it, as he was—and so astonishingly much: nothing was now likely, he knew, ever to make her better-off than she found herself, in the afternoon of life, as the delicately frugal possessor and tenant of the small house in irving place to which she had subtly managed to cling through her almost unbroken new york career. if he knew the way to it now better than to any other address among the dreadful multiplied numberings which seemed to him to reduce the whole place to some vast ledger-page, overgrown, fantastic, of ruled and criss-crossed lines and figures—if he had formed, for his consolation, that habit, it was really not a little because of the charm of his having encountered and recognised, in the vast wilderness of the wholesale, breaking through the mere gross generalisation of wealth and force and success, a small still scene where items and shades, all delicate things, kept the sharpness of the notes of a high voice perfectly trained, and where economy hung about like the scent of a garden. his old friend lived with one maid and herself dusted her relics and trimmed her lamps and polished her silver; she stood oft, in the awful modern crush, when she could, but she sallied forth and did battle when the challenge was really to “spirit,” the spirit she after all confessed to, proudly and a little shyly, as to that of the better time, that of their common, their quite far-away and antediluvian social period and order. she made use of the street-cars when need be, the terrible things that people scrambled for as the panic-stricken at sea scramble for the boats; she affronted, inscrutably, under stress, all the public concussions and ordeals; and yet, with that slim mystifying grace of her appearance, which defied you to say if she were a fair young woman who looked older through trouble, or a fine smooth older one who looked young through successful indifference with her precious reference, above all, to memories and histories into which he could enter, she was as exquisite for him as some pale pressed flower (a rarity to begin with), and, failing other sweetnesses, she was a sufficient reward of his effort. they had communities of knowledge, “their” knowledge (this discriminating possessive was always on her lips) of presences of the other age, presences all overlaid, in his case, by the experience of a man and the freedom of a wanderer, overlaid by pleasure, by infidelity, by passages of life that were strange and dim to her, just by “europe” in short, but still unobscured, still exposed and cherished, under that pious visitation of the spirit from which she had never been diverted.
she had come with him one day to see how his “apartment-house” was rising; he had helped her over gaps and explained to her plans, and while they were there had happened to have, before her, a brief but lively discussion with the man in charge, the representative of the building firm that had undertaken his work. he had found himself quite “standing up” to this personage over a failure on the latter’s part to observe some detail of one of their noted conditions, and had so lucidly argued his case that, besides ever so prettily flushing, at the time, for sympathy in his triumph, she had afterwards said to him (though to a slightly greater effect of irony) that he had clearly for too many years neglected a real gift. if he had but stayed at home he would have anticipated the inventor of the sky-scraper. if he had but stayed at home he would have discovered his genius in time really to start some new variety of awful architectural hare and run it till it burrowed in a gold mine. he was to remember these words, while the weeks elapsed, for the small silver ring they had sounded over the queerest and deepest of his own lately most disguised and most muffled vibrations.
it had begun to be present to him after the first fortnight, it had broken out with the oddest abruptness, this particular wanton wonderment: it met him there—and this was the image under which he himself judged the matter, or at least, not a little, thrilled and flushed with it—very much as he might have been met by some strange figure, some unexpected occupant, at a turn of one of the dim passages of an empty house. the quaint analogy quite hauntingly remained with him, when he didn’t indeed rather improve it by a still intenser form: that of his opening a door behind which he would have made sure of finding nothing, a door into a room shuttered and void, and yet so coming, with a great suppressed start, on some quite erect confronting presence, something planted in the middle of the place and facing him through the dusk. after that visit to the house in construction he walked with his companion to see the other and always so much the better one, which in the eastward direction formed one of the corners,—the “jolly” one precisely, of the street now so generally dishonoured and disfigured in its westward reaches, and of the comparatively conservative avenue. the avenue still had pretensions, as miss staverton said, to decency; the old people had mostly gone, the old names were unknown, and here and there an old association seemed to stray, all vaguely, like some very aged person, out too late, whom you might meet and feel the impulse to watch or follow, in kindness, for safe restoration to shelter.
they went in together, our friends; he admitted himself with his key, as he kept no one there, he explained, preferring, for his reasons, to leave the place empty, under a simple arrangement with a good woman living in the neighbourhood and who came for a daily hour to open windows and dust and sweep. spencer brydon had his reasons and was growingly aware of them; they seemed to him better each time he was there, though he didn’t name them all to his companion, any more than he told her as yet how often, how quite absurdly often, he himself came. he only let her see for the present, while they walked through the great blank rooms, that absolute vacancy reigned and that, from top to bottom, there was nothing but mrs. muldoon’s broomstick, in a corner, to tempt the burglar. mrs. muldoon was then on the premises, and she loquaciously attended the visitors, preceding them from room to room and pushing back shutters and throwing up sashes—all to show them, as she remarked, how little there was to see. there was little indeed to see in the great gaunt shell where the main dispositions and the general apportionment of space, the style of an age of ampler allowances, had nevertheless for its master their honest pleading message, affecting him as some good old servant’s, some lifelong retainer’s appeal for a character, or even for a retiring-pension; yet it was also a remark of mrs. muldoon’s that, glad as she was to oblige him by her noonday round, there was a request she greatly hoped he would never make of her. if he should wish her for any reason to come in after dark she would just tell him, if he “plased,” that he must ask it of somebody else.
the fact that there was nothing to see didn’t militate for the worthy woman against what one might see, and she put it frankly to miss staverton that no lady could be expected to like, could she? “craping up to thim top storeys in the ayvil hours.” the gas and the electric light were off the house, and she fairly evoked a gruesome vision of her march through the great grey rooms—so many of them as there were too!—with her glimmering taper. miss staverton met her honest glare with a smile and the profession that she herself certainly would recoil from such an adventure. spencer brydon meanwhile held his peace—for the moment; the question of the “evil” hours in his old home had already become too grave for him. he had begun some time since to “crape,” and he knew just why a packet of candles addressed to that pursuit had been stowed by his own hand, three weeks before, at the back of a drawer of the fine old sideboard that occupied, as a “fixture,” the deep recess in the dining-room. just now he laughed at his companions—quickly however changing the subject; for the reason that, in the first place, his laugh struck him even at that moment as starting the odd echo, the conscious human resonance (he scarce knew how to qualify it) that sounds made while he was there alone sent back to his ear or his fancy; and that, in the second, he imagined alice staverton for the instant on the point of asking him, with a divination, if he ever so prowled. there were divinations he was unprepared for, and he had at all events averted enquiry by the time mrs. muldoon had left them, passing on to other parts.
there was happily enough to say, on so consecrated a spot, that could be said freely and fairly; so that a whole train of declarations was precipitated by his friend’s having herself broken out, after a yearning look round: “but i hope you don’t mean they want you to pull this to pieces!” his answer came, promptly, with his re-awakened wrath: it was of course exactly what they wanted, and what they were “at” him for, daily, with the iteration of people who couldn’t for their life understand a man’s liability to decent feelings. he had found the place, just as it stood and beyond what he could express, an interest and a joy. there were values other than the beastly rent-values, and in short, in short—! but it was thus miss staverton took him up. “in short you’re to make so good a thing of your sky-scraper that, living in luxury on those ill-gotten gains, you can afford for a while to be sentimental here!” her smile had for him, with the words, the particular mild irony with which he found half her talk suffused; an irony without bitterness and that came, exactly, from her having so much imagination—not, like the cheap sarcasms with which one heard most people, about the world of “society,” bid for the reputation of cleverness, from nobody’s really having any. it was agreeable to him at this very moment to be sure that when he had answered, after a brief demur, “well, yes; so, precisely, you may put it!” her imagination would still do him justice. he explained that even if never a dollar were to come to him from the other house he would nevertheless cherish this one; and he dwelt, further, while they lingered and wandered, on the fact of the stupefaction he was already exciting, the positive mystification he felt himself create.
he spoke of the value of all he read into it, into the mere sight of the walls, mere shapes of the rooms, mere sound of the floors, mere feel, in his hand, of the old silver-plated knobs of the several mahogany doors, which suggested the pressure of the palms of the dead the seventy years of the past in fine that these things represented, the annals of nearly three generations, counting his grandfather’s, the one that had ended there, and the impalpable ashes of his long-extinct youth, afloat in the very air like microscopic motes. she listened to everything; she was a woman who answered intimately but who utterly didn’t chatter. she scattered abroad therefore no cloud of words; she could assent, she could agree, above all she could encourage, without doing that. only at the last she went a little further than he had done himself. “and then how do you know? you may still, after all, want to live here.” it rather indeed pulled him up, for it wasn’t what he had been thinking, at least in her sense of the words, “you mean i may decide to stay on for the sake of it?”
“well, with such a home—!” but, quite beautifully, she had too much tact to dot so monstrous an i, and it was precisely an illustration of the way she didn’t rattle. how could any one—of any wit—insist on any one else’s “wanting” to live in new york?
“oh,” he said, “i might have lived here (since i had my opportunity early in life); i might have put in here all these years. then everything would have been different enough—and, i dare say, ‘funny’ enough. but that’s another matter. and then the beauty of it—i mean of my perversity, of my refusal to agree to a ‘deal’—is just in the total absence of a reason. don’t you see that if i had a reason about the matter at all it would have to be the other way, and would then be inevitably a reason of dollars? there are no reasons here but of dollars. let us therefore have none whatever—not the ghost of one.”
they were back in the hall then for departure, but from where they stood the vista was large, through an open door, into the great square main saloon, with its almost antique felicity of brave spaces between windows. her eyes came back from that reach and met his own a moment. “are you very sure the ‘ghost’ of one doesn’t, much rather, serve—?”
he had a positive sense of turning pale. but it was as near as they were then to come. for he made answer, he believed, between a glare and a grin: “oh ghosts—of course the place must swarm with them! i should be ashamed of it if it didn’t. poor mrs. muldoon’s right, and it’s why i haven’t asked her to do more than look in.”
miss staverton’s gaze again lost itself, and things she didn’t utter, it was clear, came and went in her mind. she might even for the minute, off there in the fine room, have imagined some element dimly gathering. simplified like the death-mask of a handsome face, it perhaps produced for her just then an effect akin to the stir of an expression in the “set” commemorative plaster. yet whatever her impression may have been she produced instead a vague platitude. “well, if it were only furnished and lived in—!”
she appeared to imply that in case of its being still furnished he might have been a little less opposed to the idea of a return. but she passed straight into the vestibule, as if to leave her words behind her, and the next moment he had opened the house-door and was standing with her on the steps. he closed the door and, while he re-pocketed his key, looking up and down, they took in the comparatively harsh actuality of the avenue, which reminded him of the assault of the outer light of the desert on the traveller emerging from an egyptian tomb. but he risked before they stepped into the street his gathered answer to her speech. “for me it is lived in. for me it is furnished.” at which it was easy for her to sigh “ah yes!” all vaguely and discreetly; since his parents and his favourite sister, to say nothing of other kin, in numbers, had run their course and met their end there. that represented, within the walls, ineffaceable life.
it was a few days after this that, during an hour passed with her again, he had expressed his impatience of the too flattering curiosity—among the people he met—about his appreciation of new york. he had arrived at none at all that was socially producible, and as for that matter of his “thinking” (thinking the better or the worse of anything there) he was wholly taken up with one subject of thought. it was mere vain egoism, and it was moreover, if she liked, a morbid obsession. he found all things come back to the question of what he personally might have been, how he might have led his life and “turned out,” if he had not so, at the outset, given it up. and confessing for the first time to the intensity within him of this absurd speculation—which but proved also, no doubt, the habit of too selfishly thinking—he affirmed the impotence there of any other source of interest, any other native appeal. “what would it have made of me, what would it have made of me? i keep for ever wondering, all idiotically; as if i could possibly know! i see what it has made of dozens of others, those i meet, and it positively aches within me, to the point of exasperation, that it would have made something of me as well. only i can’t make out what, and the worry of it, the small rage of curiosity never to be satisfied, brings back what i remember to have felt, once or twice, after judging best, for reasons, to burn some important letter unopened. i’ve been sorry, i’ve hated it—i’ve never known what was in the letter. you may, of course, say it’s a trifle—!”
“i don’t say it’s a trifle,” miss staverton gravely interrupted.
she was seated by her fire, and before her, on his feet and restless, he turned to and fro between this intensity of his idea and a fitful and unseeing inspection, through his single eye-glass, of the dear little old objects on her chimney-piece. her interruption made him for an instant look at her harder. “i shouldn’t care if you did!” he laughed, however; “and it’s only a figure, at any rate, for the way i now feel. not to have followed my perverse young course—and almost in the teeth of my father’s curse, as i may say; not to have kept it up, so, ‘over there,’ from that day to this, without a doubt or a pang; not, above all, to have liked it, to have loved it, so much, loved it, no doubt, with such an abysmal conceit of my own preference; some variation from that, i say, must have produced some different effect for my life and for my ‘form.’ i should have stuck here—if it had been possible; and i was too young, at twenty-three, to judge, pour deux sous, whether it were possible. if i had waited i might have seen it was, and then i might have been, by staying here, something nearer to one of these types who have been hammered so hard and made so keen by their conditions. it isn’t that i admire them so much—the question of any charm in them, or of any charm, beyond that of the rank money-passion, exerted by their conditions for them, has nothing to do with the matter: it’s only a question of what fantastic, yet perfectly possible, development of my own nature i mayn’t have missed. it comes over me that i had then a strange alter ego deep down somewhere within me, as the full-blown flower is in the small tight bud, and that i just took the course, i just transferred him to the climate, that blighted him for once and for ever.”
“and you wonder about the flower,” miss staverton said. “so do i, if you want to know; and so i’ve been wondering these several weeks. i believe in the flower,” she continued, “i feel it would have been quite splendid, quite huge and monstrous.”
“monstrous above all!” her visitor echoed; “and i imagine, by the same stroke, quite hideous and offensive.”
“you don’t believe that,” she returned; “if you did you wouldn’t wonder. you’d know, and that would be enough for you. what you feel—and what i feel for you—is that you’d have had power.”
“you’d have liked me that way?” he asked.
she barely hung fire. “how should i not have liked you?”
“i see. you’d have liked me, have preferred me, a billionaire!”
“how should i not have liked you?” she simply again asked.
he stood before her still—her question kept him motionless. he took it in, so much there was of it; and indeed his not otherwise meeting it testified to that. “i know at least what i am,” he simply went on; “the other side of the medal’s clear enough. i’ve not been edifying—i believe i’m thought in a hundred quarters to have been barely decent. i’ve followed strange paths and worshipped strange gods; it must have come to you again and again—in fact you’ve admitted to me as much—that i was leading, at any time these thirty years, a selfish frivolous scandalous life. and you see what it has made of me.”
she just waited, smiling at him. “you see what it has made of me.”
“oh you’re a person whom nothing can have altered. you were born to be what you are, anywhere, anyway: you’ve the perfection nothing else could have blighted. and don’t you see how, without my exile, i shouldn’t have been waiting till now—?” but he pulled up for the strange pang.
“the great thing to see,” she presently said, “seems to me to be that it has spoiled nothing. it hasn’t spoiled your being here at last. it hasn’t spoiled this. it hasn’t spoiled your speaking—” she also however faltered.
he wondered at everything her controlled emotion might mean. “do you believe then—too dreadfully!—that i am as good as i might ever have been?”
“oh no! far from it!” with which she got up from her chair and was nearer to him. “but i don’t care,” she smiled.
“you mean i’m good enough?”
she considered a little. “will you believe it if i say so? i mean will you let that settle your question for you?” and then as if making out in his face that he drew back from this, that he had some idea which, however absurd, he couldn’t yet bargain away: “oh you don’t care either—but very differently: you don’t care for anything but yourself.”
spencer brydon recognised it—it was in fact what he had absolutely professed. yet he importantly qualified. “he isn’t myself. he’s the just so totally other person. but i do want to see him,” he added. “and i can. and i shall.”
their eyes met for a minute while he guessed from something in hers that she divined his strange sense. but neither of them otherwise expressed it, and her apparent understanding, with no protesting shock, no easy derision, touched him more deeply than anything yet, constituting for his stifled perversity, on the spot, an element that was like breatheable air. what she said however was unexpected. “well, i’ve seen him.”
“you—?”
“i’ve seen him in a dream.”
“oh a ‘dream’—!” it let him down.
“but twice over,” she continued. “i saw him as i see you now.”
“you’ve dreamed the same dream—?”
“twice over,” she repeated. “the very same.”
this did somehow a little speak to him, as it also gratified him. “you dream about me at that rate?”
“ah about him!” she smiled.
his eyes again sounded her. “then you know all about him.” and as she said nothing more: “what’s the wretch like?”
she hesitated, and it was as if he were pressing her so hard that, resisting for reasons of her own, she had to turn away. “i’ll tell you some other time!”
