standing, as i am now (as far as my story is concerned), on the threshold of the bankruptcy court, i wish to disavow the idea of having any quarrel with individuals, or, of any personal bias. one of the main objects i have had before me in writing this book has been to record simply and without hyperbole my own experiences in connection with this great national institution. if, in the course of my remarks, i say anything which is not strictly warranted by the facts, i declare that it is not intentional. i only say that which personal observation and experience leads me to believe is strictly true. also, be it noted, i write from the point of the view of the amateur—i have not had the benefit in one sense of an association with any of those able financiers who have been bankrupt several times, and then have retired to enjoy in a peaceful retirement the fruits of their labours.

i declare that when i pushed open the swing doors of the vast hall i felt just as a boy does upon entering a school for the first time. so utterly ignorant, so[pg 219] helpless, so willing to learn. i advanced a few paces and met a cheery soul in uniform, who said heartily, "wotyer lookin' fur, govnor?" now, as the americans say, wouldn't that get you busy? i looked at him and to him, i make no doubt, like a perfect fool. he looked at me keenly and enquiringly, until i had to say, "well, the fact is—i am unfamiliar with these places, but i have had misfortunes and i wish to file my petition in bankruptcy." you will observe from its frequent repetition how proud i was of having got what i considered one legal phrase at least pat and complete. he replied with the utmost nonchalance, "right o, second door on the left, and ask at the desk. they'll put you up to it."

i followed his instructions, feeling that i was getting on, and entered the room he indicated. there were several men, i dare not say clerks for they had not any of the characteristics of that much derided tribe, and i doubt whether even mr h. g. wells would have satirised them in his usual curious fashion concerning clerks, but all were engaged, nay engrossed with some work, until i came to the last, and he was reading the daily chronicle. as i was only one of his employers, i acted as usual, that is, i humbly waited before him until he had finished the article he was reading, when he languidly lifted his eyes to me and said with an air, not exactly of contempt, but of the most utter and complete detachment, "well! what is your business?"

still with bated breath and lowly demeanour, i replied, "i wish to file my petition in bankruptcy." "all right," he answered as he folded his paper, "that'll be £10—£5 for the stamp and £5 security for costs." i caught my breath and said, "but i've got no money at all; i can't pay anybody, that is why i came here." to which he rejoined casually, "who's your solicitor?" this, i am afraid, rather disturbed me, for how i, who had avowed myself penniless, could afford to pay a solicitor (the very word savoured of affluence to me) i could not conceive, and i did really regard his question as an insolent one. it was not, of course. it was perfectly business like and proper from his point of view, which from mine was as wide as the poles asunder. but still, realising my position, i told him civilly that i had no money to employ a solicitor, that so far from having £10, my stock of ready cash was under five shillings, that if i had £10 i should certainly not be there, but handing that £10 out to some of those who were entitled to it.

much more i said to the same non-effect, for he listened with an expression of infinite weariness, and when i had finished he said abruptly, "how much do you owe?" i answered, about £300. "very well, then," he replied, "if you had £10 wouldn't it be much better to come to us with it and empower us to treat with your creditors than to fritter that crumb away paying two or three and annoying all the rest? but, after all, that's not the point; it's none of my duty to stand here telling you what you ought to do. you get £10 and come here with it, and i'll give you your papers and set you going. good morning."

thus he ceased and busied himself with a heap of papers, leaving me standing aghast at the idea that a man who had no money to pay his debts should have to pay £10 for the privilege of saying so in public, that any money he might have should not be devoted to paying his debts, but to making legal excuses why he should not do so. however, this particular official had obviously had quite sufficient of such a fool as i was, and it was of no use wasting time there, so i quietly slunk away in worse plight than ever, to my way of thinking. for i could not possibly bring my mind to bear upon the inherent dishonesty of the situation.

as thus—declaring myself a bankrupt, all my belongings of whatever kind as well as my future earnings, until my debts were satisfied, became automatically the property of the official receiver to hold in trust for my creditors. therefore to sell it, or any portion of it for any purpose, was a felony. yet having no money how was i to raise these fees? i could not borrow, for if i revealed my position, no sane person would lend, and i could not possess any security. if anybody gave me money for the purpose of paying those fees, it would be a fraud upon my creditors to put the money to that purpose. whichever way i looked i could see no way out but by[pg 222] falsehood and fraud, and i was only at the beginning of my experience.

in this extremity i went to a man of great experience in business, but with a high reputation for probity as far as meeting all his liabilities went. he was also credited with very sharp practice despite his high moral and religious standing. consequently, i do not suppose i could have consulted any one better qualified to give me advice. he fully agreed with me that nothing was more eminently calculated to destroy the moral sense than going through the bankruptcy court, of your own initiative—if your creditors made you a bankrupt it was another matter. in a case like mine it was obvious that a man had to pay a considerable sum down for the privilege of swearing that he had no money at all, which money could not legally be his. yet, since the law itself created this dishonest state of affairs, i was clearly absolved from the charge of dishonesty if i raised and paid this money, providing those from whom i obtained it were not defrauded by being made the victims of false representations on my part.

he finished his advice by lending me £2 towards the amount required, and i went on my sorrowful way homewards. when i reached home i found a fresh batch of dunning letters and two judgment summonses waiting for me, but i paid no heed to them, i had more engrossing business to attend to. i spent a long time explaining the position to my wife and endeavouring to furbish up some of the stock in the event of my being driven to raise money on it, and then went on the doleful business of trying to borrow £8 without any reasonable prospect of being able to repay it. that was indeed a pilgrimage of pain. but i must not say that; although the fruit of a long half day's search was only £1, i met with very much sympathy and many kind cheering words, also much commendation for having taken the step i had at last.

i went back to the office in the morning, after a sleepless night, feeling as unfit for my clerical duties as i could well be, as may be imagined. my sympathetic chief was of course anxious to know how i had fared, and listened with the greatest attention to my story. then he suggested that i had better take at least a couple of days off, as i could not possibly do my work under such mental conditions, and leave no means untried to raise that money, even if i had to sell such of the stock as i could make saleable at any price it would fetch. and he wound up by lending me a sovereign, to be repaid when i could.

so i got through the day somehow, though i am afraid i sorely exasperated other care-free individuals, who had to work with me and could not realise the condition of my mind. at last five o'clock came, and i hurried home. my wife met me midway of the shop with a beaming face, and held out her hand with eight sovereigns in it. i staggered back as if i had received[pg 224] a blow, and gasped, "wh-a-at, where, how did you get it?" "pawned the piano," she replied promptly, a statement which filled me with amazement, for, although i was only too familiar with the side entrance to establishments flaunting the three golden balls, she, to the best of my knowledge and belief, had never been in such a place in her life. i had always taken that unpleasant necessity upon myself.

but there was the money, the price of deliverance, and now i must explain the circumstances. the piano was an exceedingly good one which i had bought on the hire system long ago at the second-hand price of £40. i had presented it to her on some anniversary and thenceforward never thought of it as mine, never regarded it as a possible means of raising money for my needs. and here it had been the saving of a very bad situation, for although my experience was still green i dimly understood that the hour of deliverance was at hand. the side-issue of the terribly low figure for which that beautiful instrument was pledged—which if not repaid within a year would mean its loss—did touch me rather sharply, but i could not stop to think of that, nor could i be ungrateful enough to suggest to my wife that she might have done better, remembering her experience. also i felt that in a year, who knew, i might happen on something which would enable me to redeem the piano.

so i had the price, and secure in that knowledge i went to bed and slept very soundly, no thought of the proceedings after the preliminary payment occasioning me the slightest uneasiness. and it was with a light heart that i rose early in the morning to complete the clearing up of my wrecked ship, to put, in fact, my house in order against what i dimly foresaw would be the next step, the visit of the official assessor whose duty it would be to estimate the whole of my possessions, with the exceptions of tools and an irreducible minimum of clothing and bedding, not bedsteads. by eleven o'clock i had made the poor place look quite respectable and hurried off, leaving, as a last message, instructions to my wife to dispose of our fowls for what they would fetch. we had bred them ourselves, and they had been a source of great pleasure to us and profit to the children, for they responded liberally in the matter of eggs. there were twenty-five of them altogether, beautiful birds of no particular breed, and all pets. i may as well finish off this particular transaction by saying that during the day they were sold en bloc for eighteen shillings, although any one of them would have cost three shillings dead had i been a buyer.

away i went in high spirits to carey street, but before i got there, i felt the malign influence of the place upon me, and when i entered those fateful doors, i was subdued enough. no need for me to enquire the way now, i went straight to the desk of the official whom i had encountered before. he looked at me with the same air of nonchalant aloofness, as of a[pg 226] being from another sphere beyond all such hopes and fears and sorrows as i might have. producing the money, i said submissively, "i have brought the fees you told me were necessary." "ah, i think i remember something about it," he replied. "wanted to file your own petition, didn't you?" of course i retold my story, or as much of it as he would listen to, until he interrupted me with, "who's your solicitor?" again i assured him that i had no money wherewith to employ a solicitor, and, moreover, i had been assured that the business was so simple that any man of ordinary intelligence could manage it himself.

he gave me a pitying glance, and then grunted, "oh, all right. take these forms and fill them up. anything you don't understand, i'll try to explain to you." so saying he handed me a most formidable sheaf of printed documents, wherein i read in the usual involved official verbiage all sorts of instructions as to my procedure. i had been fairly well accustomed to official forms, but my heart sank at the sight of these, for it seemed an utter impossibility that i should ever make head or tail of them.

however i attacked them boldly, and when i came to a snag i just left it and went on to the next. by the end of an hour, i had done something to all the forms, but it was very little, and i took them back to the man at the desk with a modest request that he would explain some of the difficulties to me. as he glanced over the sheets a deep frown gathered over his brow, and he presently growled. "look here, why the devil don't you get a solicitor? you'll never do this yourself, and i can't be bothered showing you. i've got my work to do." (in my innocence i had imagined that what i was asking him to do was his work.) i patiently explained to him my position once more, for though naturally prone to resent injustice and high-handed officialdom, my spirit was sadly broken and lent itself to being bullied, up to a certain point.

so he did some more explaining, but with very bad grace, and with a manner exactly like that of a coarse-minded usher with a very dull and frightened small boy. i paid all the attention i could, took the forms away, and had another hour at them. then i came to an absolute deadlock, and though i very much disliked going to him again, i was compelled to do so. he took the documents from me in grim silence, glanced at them, and then said with much emphasis, "oh! this'll never do. messenger!" the messenger appearing, my mentor queried of him, "is old hard-hat about?" "i think so," replied the messenger. "well, go and tell him i want him," and the messenger departed.

pending his return i waited, still like the school-boy at the master's desk, wondering mightily who "old hard-hat" might be, and what he could have to do with me, or i with him. as he was rather long in coming, i grew mildly impatient, and ventured to ask who had been sent for. the man behind the desk replied sharply, "you've got to be identified, and you can't possibly do that yourself." "well," i answered, "how in the name of common sense can a man whom i have never seen or heard of identify me?"

"oh," he grunted, "you've got nothing to do with that. it's just a legal form, that's all." i might have said some more, but just then the person we were waiting for arrived. a tall slender figure in brown, with an auburn wig and no teeth. he had a placid yet decided way with him, and reminded me, oddly enough, of charles lamb, from what i had read of that gentle soul, and such portraits as i had seen of him.

coming direct to my mentor, the new comer said, "you sent for me, i believe, mr blank." "yes," replied the clerk, "take this man away, and see if you can get him out of the muddle he is in with those documents." mr hardhat, for so i must call my new acquaintance, turned to me and murmured, "will you come over to this table with me?" i went, but on arriving there, i said, "look here, before we go any further, are you a solicitor sent for to help me?" he replied, to the best of my recollection, that he was, but not in regular business; in short i gathered, i do not know how, that he had either never passed his examination, or that he had for some reason not been able to carry on a regular business, and that he now attended[pg 229] that building regularly in the hope of picking up such chance jobs as mine promised to be.

upon finding this out, i immediately made it plain to him that i was utterly unable to incur a solicitor's bill, that i had been told by people in authority that there was nothing in bankruptcy procedure to prevent an unhappy debtor from doing his own business; and although i had not in the least realised what an unpleasant business it was, i was bound to go through with it. he heard me out with great patience, and then said mildly, "yes, i know that theoretically it is possible for a debtor to do his own business here, but practically it is not possible. as to paying me for the assistance i can give you, please don't let that trouble you at all. i am quite willing to do my best for you, and let the question of payment (it will be a mere trifle in any case) stand over until you come upon happier times. if you never pay me it will not ruin me, and i might as well be helping you as doing nothing. please let us get to work, and say no more about it."

i really cannot say how deeply touched i was by this man's gentle kindness, and the more because of its contrast with my treatment by the well-paid official, and i made a mental vow that if ever i were able to repay him, i would be as lavish in doing so as my circumstances would permit. then i told him that i could not be so brutally independent as to throw his kindness back at him, and i would accept his help[pg 230] with gratitude. he nodded gravely, took the papers from me, drew his fountain pen from his pocket, and sat down to work.

now for anything i know it may be necessary to make the formulæ of bankruptcy proceedings as difficult, technical, and prolix as possible, not being an expert i dare not offer an opinion, but i do know that this expert who had now come to my assistance, although working with great skill and rapidity, took several hours to prepare the documents demanded, and then much of what was put down was fiction, had to be, since i had kept no books, and even though my memory was phenomenally good, it was far from equal to the demands now made upon it. but at last the dread business was complete, we took those forms to another official who merely glanced through them, secured them together with green cord, and handed us a piece of parchment (i believe) which we had to write certain matters upon, and then take to another part of the building to be stamped.

up till now i had only paid £5, but now i was to disburse another £5 for the privilege of becoming a bankrupt, the first £5 having been as security for costs. so we handed the mystic document we bore to a man who looked like a superior workman, who took it from us, and held out his hand for my £5. when i had paid him, he took a stamp from a drawer, and after pumice-stoning the parchment in a certain place, and doing something else to the back of the stamp, carried the latter over to where a glue-pot stood simmering on a gas ring. here he anointed the stamp, placed it on the document, put the latter in a press, and then obliterated the stamp in two or three other ways. i never saw so much work upon a stamp before. but then, to be sure, it was a stamp representing £5 sterling.

this operation was almost the last for the day, which was now wearing to a close. my good friend, mr hardhat, merely took the last document to another part of the building while i waited for him. when he returned he told me that my preliminary examination was fixed for the second day afterwards at eleven in the morning, and that until then nothing further could be done. but he also assured me that i was now ipso facto bankrupt, and that i was on no account to pay anybody anything on account of debt, for that would be a misdemeanour. if any of my creditors took action, with the exception of the landlord, who might distrain for his overdue rent, i had only to show them a certain slip of paper i possessed, and that would, in sea-metaphor, choke their luffs.

i thanked him, and made for home, determined to devote the next day to some good hard work at the bench, framing up such pictures and texts as i had in stock, so as to use up the remainder of my moulding, backboard, glass, etc. and then i should perhaps be able to make a forced sale, and raise some ready money. with these thoughts in my mind, i turned the corner of ashbourne grove into lordship lane, and not looking where i was going, i ran into a man whom i at once recognised as the lessee of my former shop and my present first floor front room. we greeted one another heartily, and he said, "let's see, i owe you a week's rent, here it is," and he placed three and sixpence in my hand. he went on, "i shan't want you to store that furniture for more than a week or two longer, for i am very nearly through my difficulties, and i am thinking of taking a nice little business in dalston." as soon as he had said this, i remarked gravely, "i don't want to frighten you, but if you'll take my advice you'll shift those sticks out of where they are now with the least possible delay. i told you when you put them there that i was in queer street, and to-day i have been adjudicated bankrupt. now, you know what that means."

he stared at me wildly for a moment, as if he had seen a ghost, and then cried, "merciful heavens, i must hurry up." off he rushed down the lane, leaving me laughing to think of my experience of the lame leading the blind. but i was very glad of his three and six all the same, and not having eaten all day save for a crust of bread and cheese at noon, i determined that something hot for supper should be forthcoming. procuring the materials for this meal took me some little time, and when i arrived at the shop, my poor little tenant drew up at the door with a coal-trolly, which he had hired somewhere on the spur[pg 233] of the moment. i at once opened the side door for him and it was really a sight to see how he toiled to get his household goods out, especially in contrast with the calm deliberateness of the coal-heaver.

when it was all on the trolly, he gave a great sigh of relief, and came into the shop mopping his streaming head. "well, old chap," he gasped, "that's as narrow a squeak as i want; and i can't blame anybody but myself, for i ought to have let you know where to find me. however, it's all right now, and i only hope you'll get through your trouble as i've done. good-bye." and he went out of my life.

i worked very hard the next day for two reasons, first, i did want to get as much stuff ready for sale as possible, my sense of absolute honesty having already become considerably blunted by contact with that temple of fraud in carey street; and secondly, because i did not want to brood over the terrible possibility of my landlord coming in by deputy and seizing all my poor belongings—for in my simplicity i still looked upon them as mine, totally oblivious of the fact that, in the eyes of the law, i now possessed absolutely nothing except necessary clothing and bedding, tools and cooking utensils. now and then the thought would obtrude itself that after all these years of toil and stress, i had brought, vulgarly speaking, my pigs to a pretty fine market, but my sense of relief from the misery i had so long endured outweighed any other consideration, and i was not at all melancholy.

my day's work was a fruitful one, for i managed to knock up quite a number of little frames for which, if low in price, i was fairly sure of a ready sale for that reason. and i also put the last touches on my tidying up, as well as getting ready such small goods as i knew i should be allowed to retain. i also secured a place of refuge—a house to move into—from a local house agent, secured it too without the slightest concealment from him of all my circumstances. but then he was a good fellow, and never backward in doing a good turn if he could. thus at the end of the day i felt ready for the crisis of to-morrow. hitherto there had only been verbiage writing and payment of fees; to-morrow, mr hardhat informed me, would see definite action being taken. but of that i will write in the next chapter.