gentle reader, i was born upon the water—not upon the salt and angry ocean, but upon the fresh and rapid-flowing river. it was in a floating sort of box, called a lighter, and upon the river thames, at low water, when i first smelt the mud. this lighter was manned (an expression amounting to bullism, if not construed kind-ly) by my father, my mother, and your humble servant. my father had the sole charge—he was monarch of the deck: my mother, of course, was queen, and i was the heir-apparent.

before i say one word about myself, allow me dutifully to describe my parents. first, then, i will portray my queen mother. report says, that when she first came on board of the lighter, a lighter figure and a lighter step never pressed a plank; but as far as i can tax my recollection, she was always a fat, unwieldy woman. locomotion was not to her taste—gin was. she seldom quitted the cabin—never quitted the lighter: a pair of shoes may have lasted her for five years for the wear and tear she took out of them. being of this domestic habit, as all married women ought to be, she was always to be found when wanted; but although always at hand, she was not always on her feet. towards the close of the day, she lay down upon her bed—a wise precaution when a person can no longer stand. the fact was, that my honoured mother, although her virtue was unimpeachable, was frequently seduced by liquor; and although constant to my father, was debauched and to be found in bed with that insidious assailer of female uprightness—gin. the lighter, which might have been compared to another garden of eden, of which my mother was the eve, and my father the adam to consort with, was entered by this serpent who tempted her; and if she did not eat, she drank, which was even worse. at first, indeed—and i may mention it to prove how the enemy always gains admittance under a specious form—she drank it only to keep the cold out of her stomach, which the humid atmosphere from the surrounding water appeared to warrant. my father took his pipe for the same reason; but, at the time that i was born, he smoked and she drank from morning to night, because habit had rendered it almost necessary to their existence. the pipe was always to his lip, the glass incessantly to hers. i would have defied any cold ever to have penetrated into their stomachs;—but i have said enough of my mother for the present; i will now pass on to my father.

my father was a puffy, round-bellied, long-armed, little man, admirably calculated for his station in, or rather out of, society. he could manage a lighter as well as anybody; but he could do no more. he had been brought up to it from his infancy. he went on shore for my mother, and came on board again—the only remarkable event in his life. his whole amusement was his pipe; and, as there is a certain indefinable link between smoking and philosophy, my father, by dint of smoking, had become a perfect philosopher. it is no less strange than true, that we can puff away our cares with tobacco, when, without it, they remain a burden to existence. there is no composing draught like the draught through the tube of a pipe. the savage warriors of north america enjoyed the blessing before we did; and to the pipe is to be ascribed the wisdom of their councils and the laconic delivery of their sentiments. it would be well introduced into our own legislative assembly. ladies, indeed, would no longer peep down through the ventilator; but we should have more sense and fewer words. it is also to tobacco that is to be ascribed the stoical firmness of those american warriors, who, satisfied with the pipes in their mouths, submitted with perfect indifference to the torture of their enemies. from the well-known virtues of this weed arose that peculiar expression when you irritate another, that you “put his pipe out.”

my father’s pipe, literally and metaphorically, was never put out. he had a few apophthegms which brought every disaster to a happy conclusion; and as he seldom or never indulged in words, these sayings were deeply impressed upon my infant memory. one was, “it’s no use crying; what’s done can’t be helped.” when once these words escaped his lips, the subject was never renewed. nothing appeared to move him: the abjurations of those employed in the other lighters, barges, vessels, and boats of every description, who were contending with us for the extra foot of water, as we drifted up or down with the tide, affected him not, further than an extra column or two of smoke rising from the bowl of his pipe. to my mother he used but one expression, “take it coolly;” but it always had the contrary effect with my mother, as it put her more in a passion. it was like pouring oil upon flame; nevertheless, the advice was good, had it ever been followed. another favourite expression of my father’s when anything went wrong, and which was of the same pattern as the rest of his philosophy, was, “better luck next time.” these aphorisms were deeply impressed upon my memory; i continually recalled them to mind, and thus i became a philosopher long before my wise teeth were in embryo, or i had even shed the first set with which kind nature presents us, that in the petticoat age we may fearlessly indulge in lollipop.

my father’s education had been neglected. he could neither write nor read; but although he did not exactly, like cadmus, invent letters, he had accustomed himself to certain hieroglyphics, generally speaking sufficient for his purposes, and which might be considered as an artificial memory. “i can’t write nor read, jacob,” he would say; “i wish i could; but look, boy, i means this mark for three quarters of a bushel. mind you recollects it when i axes you, or i’ll be blowed if i don’t wallop you.” but it was only a case of peculiar difficulty which would require a new hieroglyphic, or extract such a long speech from my father. i was well acquainted with his usual scratches and dots, and having a good memory, could put him right when he was puzzled with some misshapen x or z, representing some unknown quantity, like the same letters in algebra.

i have said that i was heir-apparent, but i did not say that i was the only child born to my father in his wedlock. my honoured mother had had two more children; but the first, who was a girl, had been provided for by a fit of the measles; and the second, my elder brother, by stumbling over the stern of the lighter when he was three years old. at the time of the accident my mother had retired to her bed, a little the worse for liquor; my father was on deck forward, leaning against the windlass, soberly smoking his evening pipe. “what was that?” exclaimed my father, taking his pipe out of his mouth, and listening; “i shouldn’t wonder if that wasn’t joe.” and my father put in his pipe again, and smoked away as before.

my father was correct in his surmises. it was joe who had made the splash which roused him from his meditations, for the next morning joe was nowhere to be found. he was, however, found some days afterwards; but, as the newspapers say, and as may well be imagined, the vital spark was extinct; and, moreover, the eels and chubs had eaten off his nose and a portion of his chubby face, so that, as my father said, “he was of no use to nobody.” the morning after the accident my father was up early, and had missed poor little joe. he went into the cabin, smoked his pipe, and said nothing. as my brother did not appear as usual for his breakfast, my mother called out for him in a harsh voice; but joe was out of hearing, and as mute as a fish. joe opened not his mouth in reply, neither did my father. my mother then quitted the cabin, and walked round the lighter, looked into the dog-kennel to ascertain if he was asleep with the great mastiff—but joe was nowhere to be found.

“why, what can have become of joe?” cried my mother, with maternal alarm in her countenance, appealing to my father, as she hastened back to the cabin. my father spoke not, but taking the pipe out of his mouth, dropped the bowl of it in a perpendicular direction till it landed softly on the deck, then put it into his mouth again, and puffed mournfully. “why, you don’t mean to say he is overboard?” screamed my mother.

my father nodded his head, and puffed away at an accumulated rate. a torrent of tears, exclamations, and revilings succeeded to this characteristic announcement. my father allowed my mother to exhaust herself. by the time when she had finished, so was his pipe; he then knocked out the ashes, and quietly observed, “it’s no use crying; what’s done can’t be helped,” and proceeded to refill the bowl.

“can’t be helped!” cried my mother; “but it might have been helped.”

“take it coolly,” replied my father.

“take it coolly!” replied my mother in a rage—“take it coolly! yes, you’re for taking everything coolly: i presume, if i fell overboard you would be taking it coolly.”

“you would be taking it coolly, at all events,” replied my imperturbable father.

“o dear! o dear!” cried my poor mother; “two poor children, and lost them both!”

“better luck next time,” rejoined my father; “so, sall, say no more about it.”

my father continued for some time to smoke his pipe, and my mother to pipe her eye, until at last my father, who was really a kind-hearted man, rose from the chest upon which he was seated, went to the cupboard, poured out a teacupful of gin, and handed it to my mother. it was kindly done of him, and my mother was to be won by kindness. it was a pure offering in the spirit, and taken in the spirit in which it was offered. after a few repetitions, which were rendered necessary from its potency being diluted with her tears, grief and recollection were drowned together, and disappeared like two lovers who sink down entwined in each other’s arms.

with this beautiful metaphor, i shall wind up the episode of my unfortunate brother joe.

it was about a year after the loss of my brother that i was ushered into the world, without any other assistants or spectators than my father and dame nature, who i believe to be a very clever midwife if not interfered with. my father, who had some faint ideas of christianity, performed the baptismal rites by crossing me on the forehead with the end of his pipe, and calling me jacob: as for my mother being churched, she had never been but once to church in her life. in fact, my father and mother never quitted the lighter, unless when the former was called out by the superintendent or proprietor, at the delivery or shipment of a cargo, or was once a month for a few minutes on shore to purchase necessaries. i cannot recall much of my infancy; but i recollect that the lighter was often very brilliant with blue and red paint, and that my mother used to point it out to me as “so pretty,” to keep me quiet. i shall therefore pass it over, and commence at the age of five years, at which early period i was of some little use to my father. indeed i was almost as forward as some boys at ten. this may appear strange; but the fact is, that my ideas although bounded, were concentrated. the lighter, its equipments, and its destination were the microcosm of my infant imagination; and my ideas and thoughts being directed to so few objects, these objects were deeply impressed, and their value fully understood. up to the time that i quitted the lighter, at eleven years old, the banks of the river were the boundaries of my speculations. i certainly comprehended something of the nature of trees and houses; but i do not think that i was aware that the former grew. from the time that i could recollect them on the banks of the river, they appeared to be exactly of the same size as they were when first i saw them, and i asked no questions. but by the time that i was ten years old, i knew the name of the reach of the river, and every point—the depth of water, and the shallows, the drift of the current, and the ebb and flow of the tide itself. i was able to manage the lighter as it floated down with the tide; for what i lacked in strength i made up with dexterity arising from constant practice.

it was at the age of eleven years that a catastrophe took place which changed my prospects in life, and i must, therefore, say a little more about my father and mother, bringing up their history to that period. the propensity of my mother to ardent spirits had, as always is the case, greatly increased upon her, and her corpulence had increased in the same ratio. she was now a most unwieldy, bloated mountain of flesh, such a form as i have never since beheld, although, at the time, she did not appear to me to be disgusting, accustomed to witness imperceptibly her increase, and not seeing any other females, except at a distance. for the last two years she had seldom quitted her bed—certainly she did not crawl out of the cabin more than five minutes during the week—indeed, her obesity and habitual intoxication rendered her incapable. my father went on shore for a quarter of an hour once a month, to purchase gin, tobacco, red herrings, and decayed ship-biscuits;—the latter was my principal fare, except when i could catch a fish over the sides, as we lay at anchor. i was, therefore, a great water-drinker, not altogether from choice, but from the salt nature of my food, and because my mother had still sense enough left to discern that “gin wasn’t good for little boys.” but a great change had taken place in my father. i was now left almost altogether in charge of the deck, my father seldom coming up except to assist me in shooting the bridges, or when it required more than my exertions to steer clear of the crowds of vessels which we encountered when between them. in fact, as i grew more capable, my father became more incapable, and passed most of his time in the cabin, assisting my mother in emptying the great stone bottle. the woman had prevailed upon the man, and now both were guilty in partaking of the forbidden fruit of the juniper tree. such was the state of affairs in our little kingdom when the catastrophe occurred which i am now about to relate.

one fine summer’s evening we were floating up with the tide, deeply laden with coals, to be delivered at the proprietor’s wharf, some distance above putney bridge; a strong breeze sprang up and checked our progress, and we could not, as we expected, gain the wharf that night. we were about a mile and a half above the bridge when the tide turned against us, and we dropped our anchor. my father who, expecting to arrive that evening, had very unwillingly remained sober, waiting until the lighter had swung to the stream, and then saying to me, “remember, jacob, we must be at the wharf early tomorrow morning, so keep alive,” went into the cabin to indulge in his potations, leaving me in possession of the deck, and also of my supper, which i never ate below, the little cabin being so unpleasantly close. indeed, i took all my meals al fresco, and, unless the nights were intensely cold, slept on deck, in the capacious dog-kennel abaft, which had once been tenanted by the large mastiff; but he had been dead some years, was thrown overboard, and, in all probability, had been converted into savoury sausages at 1 shilling per pound weight. some time after his decease, i had taken possession of his apartment and had performed his duty. i had finished my supper, which was washed down with a considerable portion of thames water, for i always drank more when above the bridges, having an idea that it tasted more pure and fresh. i had walked forward and looked at the cable to see if all was right, and then, having nothing more to do, i lay down on the deck, and indulged in the profound speculations of a boy of eleven years old. i was watching the stars above me, which twinkled faintly, and appeared to me ever and anon to be extinguished and then relighted. i was wondering what they could be made of, and how they came there, when of a sudden i was interrupted in my reveries by a loud shriek, and perceived a strong smell of something burning. the shrieks were renewed again and again, and i had hardly time to get upon my legs when my father burst up from the cabin, rushed over the side of the lighter, and disappeared under the water. i caught a glimpse of his features as he passed me, and observed fright and intoxication blended together. i ran to the side where he had disappeared, but could see nothing but a few eddying circles as the tide rushed quickly past. for a few seconds i remained staggered and stupefied at his sudden disappearance and evident death, but i was recalled to recollection by the smoke which encompassed me, and the shrieks of my mother, which were now fainter and fainter, and i hastened to her assistance.

a strong, empyreumatic, thick smoke ascended from the hatchway of the cabin, and, as it had now fallen calm, it mounted straight up the air in a dense column. i attempted to go in, but so soon as i encountered the smoke i found that it was impossible; it would have suffocated me in half a minute. i did what most children would have done in such a situation of excitement and distress—i sat down and cried bitterly. in about ten minutes i moved my hands, with which i had covered up my face, and looked at the cabin hatch. the smoke had disappeared, and all was silent. i went to the hatchway, and although the smell was still overpowering, i found that i could bear it. i descended the little ladder of three steps, and called “mother!” but there was no answer. the lamp fixed against the after bulk-head, with a glass before it, was still alight, and i could see plainly to every corner of the cabin. nothing was burning—not even the curtains to my mother’s bed appeared to be singed. i was astonished—breathless with fear, with a trembling voice, i again called out “mother!” i remained more than a minute panting for breath, and then ventured to draw back the curtains of the bed—my mother was not there! but there appeared to be a black mass in the centre of the bed. i put my hand fearfully upon it—it was a sort of unctuous, pitchy cinder. i screamed with horror—my little senses reeled—i staggered from the cabin and fell down on the deck in a state amounting almost to insanity: it was followed by a sort of stupor, which lasted for many hours.

as the reader may be in some doubt as to the occasion of my mother’s death, i must inform him that she perished in that very peculiar and dreadful manner, which does sometimes, although rarely, occur, to those who indulge in an immoderate use of spirituous liquors. cases of this kind do, indeed, present themselves but once in a century, but the occurrence of them is too well authenticated. she perished from what is termed spontaneous combustion, an inflammation of the gases generated from the spirits absorbed into the system. it is to be presumed that the flames issuing from my mother’s body completely frightened out of his senses my father, who had been drinking freely; and thus did i lose both my parents, one by fire and the other by water, at one and the same time.