will’s room was a small room opening from his mother’s, which would have been her dressing-room had she wanted such a luxury; and when mrs. ochterlony went upstairs late that night, after a long talk with aunt agatha, she found the light still burning in the little room, and her boy seated, with his jacket and his shoes off, on the floor, in a brown study. he was sitting with his knees drawn up to his chin in a patch of moonlight that shone in from the window. the moonlight made him look ghastly, and his candle had burnt down, and was flickering unsteadily in the socket, and mary was alarmed. she did not think of any moral cause for the first moment, but only that something was the matter with him, and went in with a sudden maternal panic to see what it was. will took no immediate notice of her anxious questions, but he condescended to raise his head and prop up his chin with his hands, and stare up into her face.
“mother,” he said, “you always go on as if a fellow was ill. can’t one be thinking a little without anything being the matter? i should have put out my light had i known you were coming upstairs.”
“you know, will, that i cannot have you sit here and think, as you say. it is not thinking—it is brooding, and does you harm,” said mrs. ochterlony. “jump up, and go to bed.”
“presently,” said the boy. “is it true that hugh will go to oxford, mamma?”
“very likely,” said mary, with some pride. “your uncle will see how he has got on with his studies, and after that i think he will go.”
“what for?” said will. “what is the good? he knows as much as he wants to know, and mr. small is quite good enough for him.”
“what for?” said mary, with displeasure. “for his education, like other gentlemen, and that he may take his right position. but you are too young to understand all that. get up, and go to bed.”
“i am not too young to understand,” said wilfrid; “what is the good of throwing money and time away? you may tell my uncle, hugh will never do any good at oxford; and i don’t see, for my part, why he should be the one to go.”
“he is the eldest son, and he is your uncle’s heir,” said mary, with a conscious swelling of her motherly heart.
“i don’t see what difference being the eldest makes,” said will, embracing his knees. “i have been thinking over it this long time. why should he be sent to oxford, and the rest of us stay at home? what does it matter about the eldest? a fellow is not any better than me because he was born before me. you might as well send peggy to oxford,” said will, with vehemence, “as send hugh.”
mrs. ochterlony, whose mind just then was specially occupied by hugh, was naturally disturbed by this speech. she put out the flickering candle, and set down her own light, and closed the door. “i cannot let you speak so about your brother, will,” she said. “he may not be so quick as you are for your age, but i wish you were as modest and as kind as hugh is. why should you grudge his advancement? i used to think you would get the better of this feeling when you ceased to be a child.”
“of what feeling?” cried will, lifting his pale face from his knees.
“my dear boy, you ought to know,” said mary; “this grudge that any one should have a pleasure or an advantage which you have not. a child may be excused, but no man who thinks so continually of himself——”
“i was not thinking of myself,” said will, springing up from the floor with a flush on his face. “you will always make a moral affair of it, mother. as if one could not discuss a thing. but i know that hugh is not clever, though he is the eldest. let him have earlston if he likes, but why should he have oxford? and why should it always be supposed that he is better, and a different kind of clay?”
“i wonder where you learned all that, will,” said mary, with a smile. “one would think you had picked up some radical or other. i might be vexed to see lady balderston walk out of the room before me, if it was because she pretended to be a better woman; but when it is only because she is lady balderston, what does it matter? hugh can’t help being the eldest: if you had been the eldest——”
“ah!” said will, with a long breath; “if i had been the eldest——” and then he stopped short.
“what would you have done?” said mrs. ochterlony, smiling still.
“i would have done what hugh will never do,” cried the boy. “i would have taken care of everybody. i would have found out what they were fit for, and put them in the right way. the one that had brains should have been cultivated—done something else. there should have been no such mistake as—— but that is always how it is in the world—everybody says so,” said wilfrid; “stupid people who know nothing about it are set at the head, and those who could manage——”
“will,” said his mother, “do you know you are very presumptuous, and think a great deal too well of yourself? if you were not such a child, i should be angry. it is very well to be clever at your lessons, but that is no proof that you are able to manage, as you say. let hugh and his prospects alone for to-night, and go to bed.”
“yes, i can let him alone,” said will. “i suppose it is not worth one’s while to mind—he will do no good at oxford, you know, that is one thing;—whereas other people——”
“always yourself, will,” said mary, with a sigh.
“myself—or even islay,” said the boy, in the most composed way; “though islay is very technical. still, he could do some good. but hugh is an out-of-door sort of fellow. he would do for a farmer or gamekeeper, or to go to australia, as he says. a man should always follow his natural bent. if, instead of going by eldest sons and that sort of rubbish, they were to try for the right man in the right place. and then you might be sure to be done the best for, mother, and that he would take care of you.”
“will, you are very conceited and very unjust,” said mary; but she was his mother, and she relented as she looked into his weary young face: “but i hope you have your heart in the right place, for all your talk,” she said, kissing him before she went away. she went back to her room disturbed, as she had often been before, but still smiling at will’s “way.” it was all boyish folly and talk, and he did not mean it; and as he grew older he would learn better. mary did not care to speculate upon the volcanic elements which, for anything she could tell, might be lying under her very hand. she could not think of different developments of character, and hostile individualities, as people might to whom the three boys were but boys in the abstract, and not hugh, islay, and will—the one as near and dear to her as the other. mrs. ochterlony was not philosophical, neither could she follow out to their natural results the tendencies which she could not but see. she preferred to think of it, as will himself said, as a moral affair—a fault which would mend; and so laid her head on her pillow with a heart uneasy—but no more uneasy than was consistent with the full awakening of anxious yet hopeful life.
as for will, he was asleep ten minutes after, and had forgotten all about it. his heart was in its right place, though he was plagued with a very arrogant, troublesome, restless little head, and a greater amount of “notions” than are good for his age. he wanted to be at the helm of affairs, to direct everything—a task for which he felt himself singularly competent; but, after all, it was for the benefit of other people that he wanted to rule. it seemed to him that he could arrange for everybody so much better than they could for themselves; and he would have been liberal to hugh, though he had a certain contempt for his abilities. he would have given him occupation suited to him, and all the indulgences which he was most fitted to appreciate: and he would have made a kind of beneficent empress of his mother, and put her at the head of all manner of benevolences, as other wise despots have been known to do. but will was the youngest, and nobody so much as asked his advice, or took him into consideration; and the poor boy was thus thrown back upon his own superiority, and got to brood upon it, and scorn the weaker expedients with which other people sought to fill up the place which he alone was truly qualified to fill. fortunately, however, he forgot all this as soon as he had fallen asleep.
hugh had no such legislative views for his part. he was not given to speculation. he meant to do his duty, and be a credit to everybody belonging to him; but he was a great deal “younger” than his boy-brother, and it did not occur to him to separate himself in idea—even to do them good—from his own people. the future danced and glimmered before him, but it was a brightness without any theory in it—a thing full of spontaneous good-fortune and well-doing, with which his own cleverness had nothing to do. islay, for his part, thought very little about it. he was pleased for hugh’s sake, but as he had always looked upon hugh’s good fortune as a certainty, the fact did not excite him, and he was more interested about a tough problem he was working at, and which his uncle’s visit had interrupted. it was a more agitated household than it had been a few months before—ere the doors of the future had opened suddenly upon the lads; but there was still no agitation under the cottage roof which was inconsistent with sweet rest and quiet sleep.
it made a dreadful difference in the house, as everybody said, when the two boys went away—islay to mr. cramer’s, the “coach” who was to prepare him for his examination, and hugh to earlston. the cottage had always been quiet, its inhabitants thought, but now it fell into a dead calm, which was stifling and unearthly. will, the only representative of youth left among them, was graver than aunt agatha, and made no gay din, but only noises of an irritating kind. he kicked his legs and feet about, and the legs of all the chairs, and let his books fall, and knocked over the flower-stands—which were all exasperating sounds; but he did not fill the house with snatches of song, with laughter, and the pleasant evidence that a light heart was there. he used to “read” in his own room, with a diligence which was much stimulated by the conviction that mr. small was very little ahead of him, and, to keep up his position of instructor, must work hard, too; and, when this was over, he planted himself in a corner of the drawing-room, in the great indian chair, with a book, beguiling the two ladies into unconsciousness of his presence, and then interposing in their conversation in the most inconvenient way. this was will’s way of showing his appreciation of his mother’s society. he was not her right hand, like hugh, nor did he watch over her comfort in islay’s steady, noiseless way. but he liked to be in the same room with her, to haunt the places where she was, to interfere in what she was doing, and seize the most unfit moments for the expression of his sentiments. with aunt agatha he was abrupt and indifferent, being insensible to all conventional delicacies; and he took pleasure, or seemed to take pleasure, in contradicting mrs. ochterlony, and going against all her conclusions and arguments; but he paid her the practical compliment of preferring her society, and keeping by her side.
it was while thus left alone, and with the excitement of this first change fresh upon her, that mrs. ochterlony heard another piece of news which moved her greatly. it was that the regiment at carlisle was about to leave, and that it was our regiment which was to take its place. she thought she was sorry for the first moment. it was upon one of those quiet afternoons, just after the boys had left the cottage, when the two ladies were sitting in silence, not talking much, thinking how long it was to post-time, and how strange it was that the welcome steps and voices which used to invade the quiet so abruptly and so sweetly, were now beyond hoping for. and the afternoon seemed to have grown so much longer, now that there was no hugh to burst in with news from the outer world, no islay to emerge from his problem. will sat, as usual, in the great chair, but he was reading, and did not contribute to the cheerfulness of the party. and it was just then that sir edward came in, doubly welcome, to talk of the absent lads, and ask for the last intelligence of them, and bring this startling piece of news. mrs. ochterlony was aware that the regiment had finished its service in india long ago, and there was, of course, no reason why it should not come to carlisle, but it was not an idea which had ever occurred to her. she thought she was sorry for the first moment, and the news gave her an unquestionable shock; but, after all, it was not a shock of pain; her heart gave a leap, and kept on beating faster, as with a new stimulus. she could think of nothing else all the evening. even when the post came, and the letters, and all the wonderful first impressions of the two new beginners in the world, this other thought returned as soon as it was possible for any thought to regain a footing. she began to feel as if the very sight of the uniform would be worth a pilgrimage; and then there would be so many questions to ask, so many curiosities and yearnings to satisfy. she could not keep her mind from going out into endless speculations—how many would remain of her old friends?—how many might have dropped out of the ranks, or exchanged, or retired, or been promoted?—how many new marriages there had been, and how many children?—little emma askell, for instance, how many babies she might have now? mary had kept up a desultory correspondence with some of the ladies for a year or two, and even had continued for a long time to get serious letters from mrs. kirkman; but these correspondences had dropped off gradually, as is their nature, and the colonel’s wife was not a woman to enlarge on emma askell’s babies, having matters much more important on hand.
this new opening of interest moved mrs. ochterlony in spite of herself. she forgot all the painful associations, and looked forward to the arrival of the regiment as an old sailor might look for the arrival of a squadron on active service. did the winds blow and the waves rise as they used to do on those high seas from which they came? though mary had been so long becalmed, she remembered all about the conflicts and storms of that existence more vividly than she remembered what had passed yesterday, and she had a strange longing to know whether all that had departed from her own life existed still for her old friends. between the breaks of the tranquil conversation she felt herself continually relapse into the regimental roll, always beginning again and always losing the thread; recalling the names of the men and of their wives whom she had been kind to once, and feeling as if they belonged to her, and as if something must be brought back to her by their return.
there was, however, little said about it all that evening, much as it was in mrs. ochterlony’s mind. when the letters had been discussed, the conversation languished. summer had begun to wane, and the roses were over, and it began to be impracticable to keep the windows open all the long evening. there was even a fire for the sake of cheerfulness—a little fire which blazed and crackled and made twice as much display as if it had been a serious winter fire and essential to existence—and all the curtains were drawn except over the one window from which sir edward’s light was visible. aunt agatha had grown more fanciful than ever about that window since winnie’s marriage. even in winter the shutters were never closed there until miss seton herself went upstairs, and all the long night the friendly star of sir edward’s lamp shone faint but steady in the distance. in this way the hall and the cottage kept each other kindly company, and the thought pleased the old people, who had been friends all their lives. aunt agatha sat by her favourite table, with her own lamp burning softly and responding to sir edward’s far-off light, and she never raised her head without seeing it and thinking thoughts in which sir edward had but a small share. it was darker than usual on this special night, and there were neither moon nor stars to diminish the importance of the domestic pharos. miss seton looked up, and her eyes lingered upon the blackness of the window and the distant point of illumination, and she sighed as she often did. it was a long time ago, and the boys had grown up in the meantime, and intruded much upon aunt agatha’s affections; but still these interlopers had not made her forget the especial child of her love.
“my poor dear winnie!” said the old lady. “i sometimes almost fancy i can see her coming in by that window. she was fond of seeing sir edward’s light. now that the dear boys are gone, and it is so quiet again, does it not make you think sometimes of your darling sister, mary? if we could only hear as often from her as we hear from islay and hugh——”
“but it is not long since you had a letter,” said mary, who, to tell the truth, had not been thinking much of her darling sister, and felt guilty when this appeal was made to her.
“yes,” said aunt agatha, with a sigh, “and they are always such nice letters; but i am afraid i am very discontented, my dear love. i always want to have something more. i was thinking some of your friends in the regiment could tell you, perhaps, about edward. i never would say it to you, for i knew that you had things of your own to think about; but for a long time i have been very uneasy in my mind.”
“but winnie has not complained,” said mary, looking up unconsciously at sir edward’s window, and feeling as if it shone with a certain weird and unconscious light, like a living creature aware of all that was being said.
“she is not a girl ever to complain,” said aunt agatha, proudly. “she is more like what i would have been myself, mary, if i had ever been—in the circumstances, you know. she would break her heart before she would complain. i think there is a good deal of difference, my dear, between your nature and ours; and that was, perhaps, why you never quite understood my sweet winnie. i am sure you are more reasonable; but you are not—not to call passionate, you know. it is a great deal better,” cried aunt agatha, anxiously. “you must not think i do not see that; but winnie and i are a couple of fools that would do anything for love; and, rather than complain, i am sure she would die.”
mary did not say that winnie had done what was a great deal more than complaining, and had set her husband before them in a very uncomfortable light—and she took the verdict upon herself quietly, as a matter of course. “mr. askell used to know him very well,” she said; “perhaps he knows something. but edward percival never was very popular, and you must not quarrel with me if i bring you back a disagreeable report. i think i will go into carlisle as soon as they arrive—i should like to see them all again.”
“i should like to hear the truth whatever it is,” said aunt agatha, “but my dear love, seeing them all will be a great trial for you.”
mary was silent, for she was thinking of other things: not merely of her happy days, and the difference which would make such a meeting “a great trial;” but of the one great vexation and mortification of her life, of which the regiment was aware—and whether the painful memory of it would ever return again to vex her. it had faded out of her recollection in the long peacefulness and quiet of her life. could it ever return again to shame and wound, as it had once done? from where she was sitting with her work, between the cheerful lamp and the bright little blazing fire, mary went away in an instant to the scene so distant and different, and was kneeling again by her husband’s side, a woman humbled, yet never before so indignantly, resentfully proud, in the little chapel of the station. would it ever come back again, that one blot on her life, with all its false, injurious suggestions? she said to herself “no.” no doubt it had died out of other people’s minds as out of her own, and on kirtell-side nobody would have dared to doubt on such a subject; and now that the family affairs were settled, and hugh was established at earlston, his uncle’s acknowledged heir, this cloud, at least, could never rise on her again to take the comfort out of her life. she dismissed the very thought of it from her mind, and her heart warmed to the recollection of the old faces and the old ways. she had a kind of a longing to see them, as if her life would be completer after. it was not as “a great trial” that mary thought of it. she was too eager and curious to know how they had all fared; and if, to some of them at least, the old existence, so long broken up for herself, continued and flourished as of old.
