iwas dreaming that i met lord evelyn, at sunrise, in the gap of dunloe; that he put into my hand, with a graceful bow and striking amenity, the largest horse-pistol i ever saw, constructed, as he said, upon novel principles, by which it loaded itself, and would continue to go off until three o'clock, with appropriate airs from a musical box in the handle; that, leaving me with a kind of pas de basque, which i thought very inappropriate at such a crisis, and taking up a position twelve paces from me, he produced a weapon, similar to mine, and requested me to “blaze away;” that i was making frantic, but futile efforts to get my deadly instrument on full cock, and that my lord, disdaining to take any advantage, was pinking the eagles, as they flew overhead; when the loud ringing of a contiguous bell recalled me to the realities of life. there is ever in these large hotels some unhappy inmate, who is unable to put himself into communication with boots, who rings his bell with an ever-increasing energy, until he performs, at last, in his wild fury, such a continuous peal, as must bring up somebody, or bring down the rope. it is interesting to listen to these bells. first they suggest, then they entreat, then they remonstrate, then they insist, and then they curse and swear! like the music of the overture to guillaume tell, they begin pleasantly and peacefully, then they grow grand and warlike, crescendo-ing, from andante pianissimo, until they arrive at allegro fortissimo; and reminding me of a village dame, whom i heard calling from her cottage door to a child, playing in the distance, and hearing but not heeding its mother:
“lizzie, luv!”
“liz—a—buth!”
“e—liz—er—buth!”
“bess, you young ———!”
epithet too suggestive of the kennel for readers of polite literature.
of course we went to see the old cove of cork, who, in a spirit of loyalty, but to the great disappointment of facetious visitors, has changed his name to queenstown. we travelled by rail to passage, and thence by steamer. what shall i say of this glorious haven, “statio bene fida carinis,” twelve miles from city to sea? what a refreshment and gladness must it be to the weary sailor, to come from his lone voyage on “the sad sea waves,” to this safe home and refuge, to listen to the summer breeze, softly sighing in those upland groves, instead of to the tempest, as it bends the creaking mast, and to look down upon those calm and glittering waters, with the gay craft of peace and pleasure gliding gracefully to and fro.
should it ever be my happy lot to revisit the city and haven of cork, i shall most certainly decline to land at queenstown. the gentleman who took a census of the smells at cologne, and said,
“at colne, a town of monks and bones,
and pavements, fanged with murderous stones,
and rags and jags, and hideous wenches,
i counted four-and-seventy stenches,
all well-defined and separate stinks!”
might, perhaps, be interested in this locality, and would find an ample field for his nasal arithmetic. the heat was intense, the tide low; and, though i have no doubt that, further from the sea, the place is sweet and healthy enough, i never remember to have inhaled so offensive an atmosphere as that which prevailed, upon st. bartholomew's day, in the year 1858, and in the front street of the queenstown. as an irishman, chief baron woulfe, once wrote of paris, “the air is so loaded with stenches of every kind, as to be quite irrespirable;” and turning to my friend, i said, “o francis, it is written, in this 'handbook to the harbour and city of cora,' that 'queenstown is celebrated, and justly so, for the equality, mildness, and salubrity of its temperature,' and that 'many medical men prefer it to the climate of madeira;' but take thy kerchief from thy nose brief while, and answer me, my francis, terse and true, doth not this statement seem to thee, in boyhood's phrase, 'a corker!'”
he replied, that “as the stinks were not quite sufficiently defined to sketch, he should hire a boat and bathe;” and, having purchased a couple of oyster-cloths, the nearest approximation he could find to towels, so indeed he did, leaving me (incapable of natation), to contemplate the garrison, an extensive pile with a very military and practical look, spike island, once the residence of mr. mitchell, and now occupied by some 2000 malefactors of less illustrious name, and rocky and hawlbowline islands, which are used as ammunition stores.
the heat and the incense (how i envied the white gulls, flying lazily over the waters, and ever and anon dipping, as one thought, to cool themselves!) were so oppressive and irritating, that when a small boy, buying apples, would keep dropping them on the ground, in a vain attempt to thrust more into his pocket than the cavity could possibly accommodate, i almost thirsted for his blood, and like the stern old governor in don juan, i could have seen him
“thrown
into the deep without a tear or groan.”
yea, should have esteemed it to be hari-kari, which is japanese, you know, for “happy dispatch.” 1
1 “the hari-kari, or 'happy dispatch,' is still practised
by the japanese. this consists in ripping open their own
bowels with two cuts, in the form of a cross.... princes,
and the high classes, receive permission to rip themselves
up, as a special favour, when under sentence of death.”—
japan, and her people, by a steinmitz.
in expiation of these sanguinary thoughts, i subsequently presented a fourpenny piece, as conscience money, to a miserable-looking beggar, who “had not tasted food,” &c. &c. &c. &c., and who only asked for “a halfpenny, to buy a piece of bread.” but he had scarcely left me (having previously requested all the saints to pay me particular attention), when i heard one of two men, who were leaning against the wall, on which i sat smell-bound, say to his neighbour that “the jintleman must have more brass than brains, to go and give his money to a drunken shoemaker, who'd been out three days on the spree.” yes, my groat was gone to buy alcohol for this impostor, this cork leg; and i felt as though i very closely resembled that bird which the french call “le bruant fou,” and we “the foolish bunting,” because it is so easily ensnared.
it was, indeed, a joyous departure from humbug, dead fish, and sewers, to the waves, that were dancing in a pleasant breeze (which prudently declined to venture ashore); and we were as glad to make an escape as our great sailor, sir francis, when, outnumbered by the spaniards, he came, crowding all sail, into cork harbour, and hid himself securely in “drakes pool.”
lovely as the scene around her, there sat upon the deck, as we returned to passage, a winsome irish bride, fondly gazed upon by her happy husband, and less ostensibly by ourselves, and about a dozen officers, who were bound for cork, from the garrison and club house at queenstown. was it that mysterious talent of beauty, which without words can say, “i recognise your homage, and it does not displease me;” or was it only our own enormous vanity which caused each of us to imagine, as i feel convinced we did, that, could she only have foreknown our peculiar fascinations, she would have laughed to scorn the inferior animal, who was now grinning by her side?
we returned to the imperial for luncheon (and i am unacquainted with any midday refreshment more interesting than prawns, fresh and full-grown, with bread and butter à discrétion, and the golden ales of burton), and then took car for blarney. our horse was evidently as fond of his home as that enthusiastic citizen who, with a charming indifference to anachronisms, declared that athens was called “the cork of greece,” and would keep perpetually turning round to gaze upon the beautiful city. in vain the driver inquired satirically whether he had dropped his umbrella, or forgotten to order dinner, or whether there was anything on his mind; in vain he addressed him vituperatively, called him an old clothes-horse, and threatened to take him to the asylum; in vain, trying the persuasive, he assured him that we had come all the way from england to see him, having heard so much of his speed and beauty, and that, if he would keep up his character, and be a gentleman, he should have such a feed of old beans that day, as would cause him to neigh for joy. all in vain! from time to time round went this uncomfortable horse, until at last, as some fond lover takes one more look at his beloved, and then rushes wildly away, where duty calls or glory waits him, our eccentric quadruped suddenly started off at full trot, and during the remainder of our journey comported himself with great propriety.
