it was raining at redchester when ingeborg got out at the station a week and a day after she left it—the soft persistent fine rain, hardly more than a mist, peculiar to that much-soaked corner of england. the lawns in the gardens she passed as her fly crawled up the hill were incredibly green, the leaves of the lilac bushes glistened with wet, each tulip was a cup of water, the roads were chocolate, and a thick grey blanket of cloud hung warm over the town, tucking it in all round and keeping out any draught that might bite and sting the inhabitants, she thought, into real living.
the porter told her it was fine growing weather, and she wondered stupidly why, after the years she had had of the sort of thing, she had had not grown, then, more thoroughly herself. a retired colonel she knew —she knew all the retired colonels—waved his umbrella and shouted a genial inquiry after her toothache, and she looked at him with a dead, ungrateful eye. a passing postman touched his cap, and she turned the other way. the same sensible female figures she had seen all her life draped in the same sensible mackintoshes bowed and smiled, and she pretended she hadn't seen them. everybody, in fact, behaved as though she were still good, which was distressing, embarrassing, and productive of an overwhelming desire to shut her eyes and hide.
there were the shops, with the things in the windows unchanged since she left nine days ago, the same ancient novelties nobody ever bought, the same flies creeping over the same buns. there was the book-seller her christian year had come from, his windows full of more of them, endless supplies for endless dieted daughters, vegetarians in literature she called them to herself, forcibly vegetabled vegetarians; and there was the silversmith who provided the bishop with the crosses after a good florentine fifteenth-century pattern he presented to those of his confirmation candidates who were the daughters in the diocese of the great. the duke's daughter had one. the lord-lieutenant's daughter had one. on this principle ingeborg herself had been given one, and wore it continually night and day, as her father expected, under her dress, where it bruised her. it was pleasant to her father to be able to recollect, in the stress and dust of much in his work that was unrefreshing, how there was a yearly increasing though severely sifted number of gentle virgin blouses belonging to the best families beneath which lay and rhythmically heaved this silver reminder of the wearer's bishop and of her god.
"father," ingeborg said, after she had worn hers for a week, "may i take my cross off at night?"
"why, ingeborg?" he had inquired; adding quietly, "did our saviour?"
"no; but—you see when one turns round in one's sleep it sticks into one."
"sticks, ingeborg?" the bishop said gently, raising his eyebrows at such an expression applied to such an object.
"yes, and i'm getting awfully bruised." she was still in the schoolroom, and still saying awfully.
"by his stripes we are healed," said the bishop, shutting up the conversation as one shuts up a book.
in spite of the wet warmth she shivered as the silversmith's window reminded her of this. it had happened years ago, but even farther back, as far back as she could remember, every time she had asked leave of her father to do anything it had been refused; and refused with bits of bible, which was so peculiarly silencing.
and now here she was about to face him covered with the leaves she had not asked for at all but had so tremendously taken, and going to ask the most tremendous one of all, the leave to marry herr dremmel.
for that was how the last two days of her dent's tour had been spent, in being openly engaged to herr dremmel. she had found her attempts to explain that she was not so really availed nothing against his conviction that she was. and public opinion, the public opinion of the whole tour, also never doubted but that she was—had not seven of its most reliable members actually seen her in the act of becoming it? in fact it not only did not doubt it, it was sternly determined that she should be engaged whether she liked it or not. it was the least, the tour felt, that she could do. so that there was nothing for it now but to face the bishop.
she felt cold. no amount of the familiar moist stuffiness could warm her. vainly she tried to sit up, to be proud and brave, to recapture something at least of the courage that had seemed so easy just at the end in switzerland with herr dremmel to laugh at her doubts. her head would droop, and her hands and feet were like stones.
it was the place, the place, she thought, the hypnotic effect of it, of her old environment. the whole of redchester was heavy with recollections of past obediences. not once had she ever in redchester even dreamt of rebellion. she had questioned latterly, in the remoter and less filial corners of her heart, but she had never so much as thought of rebellion. and the moment she got away out of sight and hearing of home, things she knew here were wicked had appeared to be quite good and extremely natural. how strange that was. and how strange that now she was back everything was beginning to seem wicked again. what was a poor wretch to do, she asked herself with sudden passion, confronted by these shuffling standards that behaved as if they were dancing a quadrille? this was the place in which for years her conscience had been cockered to size and delicacy; and though it had become temporarily tough in herr dremmel's company she felt it relapsing with every turn of the wheels more and more into its ancient softness.
yet she undoubtedly, conscience-stricken and frightened or not, had to tell her father what she had done. she had got to be brave, and if needs be she had got to defy. she was bound to herr dremmel. he had only gone home to set his house in order, and then, he announced, she meanwhile having prepared the bishop, he was coming to redchester to marry her. prepared the bishop! she shivered. herr dremmel had tried to marry her in lucerne; but the swiss, it seemed, would not be hurried, so that here she was, and within the next few hours she was going to have to prepare the bishop.
she shut her eyes and thought of herr dremmel; of robert, as she was was learning to call him. with all her heart she liked him. and he had been so kind when he found she really disliked being engulfed in embraces, and had restricted his exhibitions of affection to the kissing of her hand, telling her he could very well wait till later on, sure that she would after marriage warm, as he had explained to her on the rigi all women did, to a just appreciation of the value of the caresses of an honest man. he had also produced a number of german love-names from some hitherto fallow corner of his mind, and garnished his conversation with them in a way that made her who, nourished as she had been on the noble language of the bible and the prayer-book, was instantly responsive to the charm of words, laugh and glow with pleasure. she was his little heart, his little tiny treasure, his little sugar lamb—a dozen little sweet diminished german things translated straight away just as they were into english. the freshness of it! the freshness of being admired and petted after the economies in these directions practised in her home. and his ring at that very moment dangled beneath her dress on the same chain as her father's cross. yes, she was bound to him. duty, she perceived, could be a very blessed thing sometimes if it protected one from some other duty. it was herr dremmel now who had become her duty.
she put up her hand to get courage by feeling the ring, for her spirit was fainting within her—she had just caught sight of the cathedral. the ring had been slung on the chain alongside the confirmation cross because it was impossible to wear it on her thumb; and out there in switzerland, where one was simple, it had seemed a most natural and obvious place to put it. yet now, as the fly rattled over the cobbles of the close and the familiar cathedral rose before her like a menace, she hung her head and greatly doubted but what the juxtaposition was wicked.
nobody was on the doorstep when she arrived beneath the great cedar that spread its shade, an intensified bit of dripping gloom where all was gloom and dripping, across from the lawn to the palace's entrance, except the butler, whose black clothes struck her instantly as very neat and smooth, and his underling, a youth kept carefully a little on the side of a suitable episcopal shabbiness. she had telegraphed her train from paddington, but that, of course, was no reason why any one should be on the doorstep. it was she whose business lay with doorsteps when people arrived or left, she was the one who welcomed and who sped, and, since she could not welcome herself, there was nobody there to do it.
she stole a nervous look at wilson as he helped her out, but his face was a blank. the boy on her other side had an expression, she thought, as though under happier conditions he might have let himself go in a smirk, and she turned her eyes away with a little sick feeling. did they know already, all of them, that she had left her aunt's a week ago? but, indeed, that seemed a small thing now compared with the things she had done since.
"i'm a dead girl," thought ingeborg, as she passed beneath her parents' porch.
the servants brought in her luggage, off which in her newness at deceit she had not thought to scrape the continental labels, and she crossed the hall, treading on the dim splashes of lovely blurred colour that fell from the vast stained glass windows on to the stone flags of its floor. it was the noblest hall, as bare of stuffs and carpets as the cathedral itself, and she looked more than insignificant going across it to the carved oak door that opened into the wide panelled passage leading to the drawing-room, a little figure braced to a miserable courage, the smallest thing to be going to defy powers of which this magnificence was only one of the expressions.
her mother was as usual on her sofa near a fire whose heat, that warm day, was mitigated by the windows being wide open. beside her was her own particular table with the usual flowers, needlework, devotional books, and biographies of good men. it was difficult to believe her mother had got off that sofa nine times to go to bed, had dressed and undressed and had meals—thirty-six of them, counted ingeborg mechanically, while she looked about for the bishop, if you excluded the before breakfast tea, forty-five if you didn't—since she saw her last, so immovable did she appear, so exactly in the same position and composed into the same lines as she had been nine days before. the room was full of the singing of thrushes, quite deafeningly full, as she opened the door, for the windows gave straight into the green and soppy garden and it was a day of many worms. judith was making tea as far away from the fire as she could get, and there was no sign of the bishop.
"is that you, ingeborg?" said her mother, turning her face, grown pale with years of being shut up, to the door.
ingeborg's mother had found the sofa as other people find salvation. she was not ill. she had simply discovered in it a refuge and a very present help in all the troubles and turmoil of life, and in especial a shield and buckler when it came to dealing with the bishop. it is not easy for the married, she had found when first casting about for one, to hit on a refuge from each other that shall be honourable to both. in a moment of insight she perceived the sofa. here was a blameless object that would separate her entirely from duties and responsibilities of every sort. it was respectable; it was unassailably effective; it was not included in the commandments. all she had to do was to cling to it, and nobody could make her do or be anything. she accordingly got on to it and had stayed there ever since, mysteriously frail, an object of solicitude and sympathy, a being before whose helplessness the most aggressive or aggrieved husband must needs be helpless, too. and she had gradually acquired the sofa look, and was now very definitely a slightly plaintive but persistently patient christian lady.
"is that you, ingeborg?" she said, turning her head.
"yes, mother," said ingeborg, hesitating in spite of herself on the threshold.
she looked round anxiously, but the bishop was not lurking anywhere in the big room.
"come in, dear, and shut the door. you see the windows are open."
judith glanced up at her a moment from her tea-making and did not move. even in the midst of her terrors ingeborg was astonished, after not having seen it for a while, at her loveliness. she seemed to have taken the sodden greys of the afternoon, the dulness and the gathering dusk, and made out of their gloom the one perfect background for her beauty.
"we thought you would have written," said mrs. bullivant, putting her cheek in a position convenient for the kiss that was to be applied to it.
"i—i telegraphed," said ingeborg, applying the kiss.
"yes, dear, but only about your train."
"i—thought that was enough."
"but, ingeborg dear, such a great occasion. one of the great occasions of life. we did expect a little notice, didn't we, judith?"
"notice?" said ingeborg faintly.
"your father was wounded, dear. he thought it showed so little real love for your parents and your sister."
"but—" said ingeborg, looking from one to the other.
"we wrote to you at once—directly we knew. didn't we, judith?"
"of course," said judith.
ingeborg stood flushing and turning pale. had one of the dent's tour people somehow found out where she lived and written about her engagement and the impossible had happened and they weren't going to mind? was it possible? did they know? and were taking it like this? if only she had called at her aunt's house on the way to paddington and got the letters—what miserable hours of terror she would have been spared!
"but—" she began. then the immense relief of it suddenly flooded her whole being with a delicious warm softness. they did know. somehow. and a miracle had happened. oh, how kind god was!
she dropped on her knees by the sofa and began to kiss her mother's hand, which surprised mrs. bullivant; and indeed it is a foreign trick, picked up mostly by those who go abroad. "mother," she said, "are you really pleased about it? you don't mind then?"
"mind?" said mrs. bullivant.
"oh, how glad, how glad i am. and father? what does he say? does he—does he mind?"
"mind?" repeated mrs. bullivant.
"father is very pleased, i think," said judith, with what in one less lovely would have been a slight pursing of the lips. and she twisted a remarkable diamond ring she was wearing straight.
"father is—pleased?" echoed ingeborg, quite awe-struck by the amount and quality of these reliefs.
"i must say i think it is really good of your dear father to be pleased, when he loses—" began mrs. bullivant.
"oh, yes, yes," interrupted the overcome ingeborg, "it's a wonder—a wonder of god."
"ingeborg dear," her mother gently rebuked, for this was excess; and judith looked still more what would have been a little pursed in any other woman.
"when he loses," then resumed mrs. bullivant with the plaintive determination of one who considers it the least she may expect as a sofa-ridden mother to be allowed to finish her sentences, "so much."
"yes, yes," assented ingeborg eagerly, whose appreciation of her parents' attitude was so warm that she almost felt she must stay and bask in its urbanity forever and not go away after all to the bleak distance of east prussia.
"your father loses not only a daughter," continued mrs. bullivant, "but £500 a year of his income."
"would one call it his income?" inquired judith, politely but yet, if one could suspect a being with an angel's face of such a thing, with some slight annoyance. "i thought our grandmother—"
"judith dear, the £500 a year your grandmother left to each of you was only to be yours when you married," explained mrs. bullivant, also with some slight annoyance beneath her patience. "till you married it was to be mine—your father's, i mean, of course. and if you never did marry it would have been mine—i mean his—always."
ingeborg had heard of her swedish grandmother's will, but had long ago forgotten it, marriage being remote and money never of any interest to her who had no occasions for spending. now her heart bounded with yet more thankfulness. what a comfort it would be to robert. how it would help him in his research. extraordinary that she should have forgotten it. when he told her of his stipend of five thousand marks—£250 it was in english money, he explained, and there was the house and land free—most of which went in his experiments, but what was left being ample, he said, for the living purposes of reasonable beings if they approached it in a proper spirit, it all depending, he said, on whether they approached it in a proper spirit. "and after all," he had added triumphantly, throwing out his chest just as she was about to inquire what the proper spirit was, "no man can call me thin—"—to think she had forgotten the substantial help she was going to be able to bring him!
the full splendour of her father's generosity in being pleased at her engagement was now revealed to her. the relief of it. the glad, warm relief. so must one feel who is born again, all new, all clean from old mistakes and fears. she felt lifted up, extraordinarily happy, extraordinarily good, more in harmony with providence and the bible than she had been since childhood. she would have been willing, and indeed found it perfectly natural, to kneel down with her mother and judith then and there and say prayers together out loud. she would have been willing on the crest of her wave of gratefulness quite readily to give up herr dremmel in return for the family's immense kindness in not asking her to give him up. she had felt nothing like this exaltation before in her life, this complete being in harmony with the infinite, this confidence in the inherent goodness of things, except on the afternoon her tooth was pulled out.
"oh," she exclaimed, laying her cheek on her mother's hand, "oh, i do hope you'll like robert!"
"robert?" said mrs. bullivant; and at the tea-table there was a sudden silence among the cups, as though they were holding their breath.
"his name's robert," said ingeborg, still with her cheek on her mother's hand, her eyes shut, her face a vision of snuggest, safest contentment.
"what robert, ingeborg?" inquired mrs. bullivant, shifting her position to stare down more conveniently at her daughter.
"herr dremmel. it's his christian name. he's got to have one, you know," said ingeborg, still with her eyes shut in the blissfulness of perfect confidence.
"herr who?" said mrs. bullivant, a sharper note of life in her voice than there had been for years. "here's your father," she added quickly, hastily composing herself into the lines of the unassailable invalid again as the door opened and the bishop came in.
ingeborg jumped up. "oh, father," she cried, running to him with the entire want of shyness one may conceive in the newly washed and forgiven soul when it first arrives in heaven and meets its maker and knows there are going to be no more misunderstandings for ever, "how good you've been!"
and she kissed him so fervently in a room gone so silent that the kiss sounded quite loud.
the bishop was nettled.
was he then at any time not good? his daughter's excessive gratitude, really almost noisy gratitude, for what after all had been inevitable, the permission to go up to london and place herself in the hands of a dentist, suggested that humaneness on his part came to her as a surprise. he did feel he had been good to let her go, but he also felt he would have been not good if he had not let her go. certainly redchester opinion would have condemned him as cruel even if he himself, who knew all the circumstances, was not able to think so. what had really been cruel was the terrible muddle his papers and letters had got into owing to her prolonged absence. grave dislocations had taken place in the joints of his engagements, several with far-reaching results; and all because, he could not help feeling, ingeborg, in spite of precept and example, did not in her earlier years use her toothbrush with regularity and conscientiousness. manifestly she did not, or how could she have needed nine enormous days to be set in repair? he himself, who regarded his body as a holy temple, which was the one solution of the body question that at all approached satisfactoriness, and had accordingly brushed his teeth, from the point of view of their being pillars of a sacred edifice, after every meal for forty years, had never had a toothache in his life.
"let us hope now, ingeborg," he said, reflecting on the instance she had provided of the modern inversion of the mosaic law which visited the sins of the fathers on the children, the original arrangement, the bishop felt, being considerably healthier, and gently putting her away in order to go over to the tea-table where he stood holding out his hand for the cup judith hastened to place in it, "let us now hope, now you have had your lesson, that in future you will remember cleanliness is next to godliness."
and this seemed to ingeborg an answer so surprising that she could only stare at him with her mouth fallen a little open, there where he had left her in the middle of the carpet.
but the bishop had not done. he went on to say another thing that surprised her still more; nay, smote her cold, shook her to her foundations. he said, after a pause during which the silence in the room was remarkable, his back turned to her while at the tea-table he carefully selected the particular piece of bread and butter he intended to eat, "and pray, ingeborg, why did you not write the moment you heard from us, and congratulate your sister on her engagement?"
