it was a wonderful charm—that picture of a little boy and his pet hen. nanny carried it about during the day and felt almost safe and easier of heart. she wondered what had become of all her old happiness, the carefree joy that had been hers before she met the boy who came from india and who did not understand women.
ever since that day on the hill top nanny's life had been troubled. she was haunted with strange, vague fears. she woke up one morning with the knowledge that she had dreamed the night long of the boy from india. that afternoon she found herself unable to think of anything but him.
a panic seized her. she began to be afraid of herself. she caught herself looking out of the windows and down the dusty summer roads, at first unconsciously and then with a curious expectancy that grew to a longing so real that she could not help but understand.
it came to nanny with a terrible shock—the knowledge that at last she loved a man. she remembered then the eyes of the men who had loved her and whom she had so carelessly sent away. she understood then the hurt they had carried away with them and hoped penitently that each had found the comfort and love he had craved.
she wondered how and where she was to look for comfort. she saw with something very much like horror that, unlike the men who had sought her, she dared make no plea, could not by word or look give any sign of what had befallen her.
if others came to know, her misery would be unbearable. the terrible thought came that perhaps cynthia's son might come to see. at that the earth seemed to go soft beneath her feet and her world lay blurred in a mist of amazed misery.
she was wretched and gay by turns. the day came when her father and brother noticed this and spoke of it. then it was that nanny turned white and walked away to grandma wentworth's. she had half a mind to tell grandma and perhaps through that wonder-wise soul find her way back to peace and sanity. but grandma had teased too and so nanny held on desperately to her secret, wondering how she was to go on enduring.
when she came to the picture of the little, grave-eyed chap nanny stole it without a moment's hesitation. and it acted like a charm. lying warm above her heart it dulled the longing and helped her to laugh again, gayly, saucily even.
she had brave minutes when with her eyes on the picture she told herself that it wasn't the man she loved but this grave-eyed boy in him that had never grown up or died. she had always loved children, she told herself, so there was no shame in that. but the next minute her heart would call up the image of this boy grown up, a boy still, but a boy with a man's eyes and a man's dormant strength. being an honest soul nanny flushed and cried for the mother she could not remember.
still as the days went by nanny found that the little fellow stood gallantly by her. somehow he helped her to grow used to the pain and the burning joy of her secret. he helped her to endure the questions and the teasing that is the lot of girls as lovely as nanny.
he helped her to laugh when she felt like crying. and best of all he steadied her when cynthia's son was by, when her heart was beating horribly and her head was dizzy with happiness and fright.
she was a new girl to the boy from india. he was no longer afraid of her. she no longer said bright, sharp things that puzzled and hurt him. she was quiet and kind and frequently now exceedingly ill at ease.
one day while they were walking along the road he stopped suddenly and looked at her.
"are you tired?" he asked abruptly.
"no—i'm not tired," nanny said a little surprised at the question.
"are you ill?" he next wanted to know.
"ill? why—no. not that i know of."
he searched her eyes for the truth. nanny, not daring to trust herself, turned away her head with an unsteady little laugh.
"why?"
"because," the puzzled boy explained, "you have been so quiet and so nice and kind to me."
the laughable innocence of him was all that saved nanny that time.
she thought of going away. but she lacked the courage. the thought of going made the pain worse and there was no place in all the world to which she cared to go.
then a brilliant idea came to her. it might after all, she told herself, be purely imaginary,—this strange torture that she thought was love. it might after all be only a foolish fancy born of her quiet isolated life in the dreamy old town. she would fill the house with people, with men and women and music.
so for a time the ainslees were very gay. house party followed house party and there were always guests. secure with the security of numbers nanny invited cynthia's son. then she stood back and watched him draw both men and women about him. he was utterly at ease with the men but quiet and reserved with the girls. instinctively he sorted out the comfortable, less brilliant ones and chatted with them, all unconscious of the light in the eyes of the others. nanny watched him and as she watched there was born in her heart a new fear and torture. she realized that some day love would come to cynthia's son and feared that she would have to stand by unseen and forgotten.
so then she began to distrust those of her feminine guests who smiled at him and chatted with him. and as soon as she decently could she sent all her company packing. when they were gone she knew beyond any possibility of doubt that she loved him and would always love him and that the vengeance that her father had predicted had overtaken her.
the very next time cynthia's son came he found the house quiet and nanny alone.
"are they all gone?" he asked.
"yes," she told him.
"when is your next crowd coming?" he wondered.
"there aren't going to be any more crowds," nanny informed him.
"that's nice. it's pleasanter this way."
nanny's poor heart longed to ask why but it dared not.
so then she drifted and didn't care. though she prayed a little miserably at times for peace and a home shore. they seemed to meet by accident on the sunny summer roads and whenever they did they strolled on aimlessly but contented. because she was now so quiet and kind he told her things that he had never told to any one else. she marvelled at the simple heart of him, its freedom from self-consciousness. she had not dreamed that there was anywhere in the world a grown-up man like that.
had he been different she could never have lived, it seemed to her, through the fearful hour of humiliation on the glen road. she stooped for a spray of scarlet sumach one early autumn afternoon. they had been looking through the hedges for the first hazel nuts and he was standing beside her when, in some way, the little picture worked its way out of her soft silk blouse and fell at his feet, face up.
fright as terrible and as cold as death laid its hand on nanny's heart. it seemed to her that she never again could raise her eyes to his. fortunately her body went through its mechanical duties. she bent, her hand picked up the picture, and her voice of its own accord was explaining:
"this belongs to you. i took it the day i was looking over the pictures at grandma wentworth's. i should, of course, have returned it long ago but i kept neglecting to do it. it's one of the dearest child pictures i have ever seen."
she raised her eyes then, eyes as careless as she could make them. fright kept the flame of bitter shame from her cheeks and the tremor out of her voice. she held the little picture out to him, forcing her eyes to meet his.
and those eyes of his looked down at her, first with wonder and then with a pleased smile, and she knew that he didn't know, didn't understand, saw nothing strange in the incident. he took her calm explanation for the whole truth. the man had absolutely no vanity.
"why, i don't want that," he told her wonderingly. "are you making a collection of children's pictures?" he asked with such innocent curiosity that nanny's self-control gave way and she laughed until she cried. he stood by, helpless and puzzled. when nanny, having gotten to the tears, searched in vain for her handkerchief he gravely offered his.
nanny took it and used it and then looked up at him with eyes as full of laughing despair as his were full of bewilderment.
"john roger churchill knight—you will some day be the very death of me."
