in my grandmother's room, at the bottom of the cupboard where she kept “the history of the bible,” with the terrible pictures illustrating the visions of revelation, she had also several other precious relics. in particular there was an old silver-clasped psalm book. it was extremely tiny, like a toy-book, and in its day it must have been a marvel of the printer's skill. it had been made in miniature thus they told me, so that it could be easily hidden; at the time of the persecutions our ancestors had often carried it about with them, concealed in their clothing. there was also, in a paste-board box, a bundle of letters written on parchment and marked leyden or amsterdam. those written between the years 1702 and 1710 were secured by a large wax seal stamped with a count's coronet.
they were letters of our huguenot ancestors, who, at the revocation of the edict of nantes, had quitted their country, their home and their dear ones, rather than abjure their faith. the letters had been written to an old grandfather, a man too aged to go the way of the exile, who was able, for some inexplicable reason, to remain unmolested in his retreat upon the island of oleron. the letters testified to the fact that the exiles had been submissive and respectful towards him to a degree unknown in our day; the wanderers wrote asking his advice or his consent before undertaking anything,—they even asked whether they might wear a certain wig which was fashionable in amsterdam at that time. they spoke of their troubles, but without murmuring over them, with a truly christian resignation; their goods had been confiscated; they were obliged to follow uncongenial trades in order to maintain themselves; and they hoped, they said, with the aid of god always to make enough to keep their children from starving.
together with the respect that these letters inspired, they had also the charm of age; it was a novel experience to enter into the life of a bygone time, to know the inmost thoughts of those who had lived a century and a half before me. and as i read them i was filled with indignation against the roman church and papal rome, sovereign during the many past centuries.—surely it was she who was designated, in my opinion at any rate, in that wonderful prophecy contained in revelation: “and the beast is a city, and its seven heads are seven hills on which the woman sitteth.”
my grandmother, always so austere and upright looking in her black clothes, a type of a huguenot woman, had been fearful for her own safety during the restoration, and although she never spoke of it, we felt that she must have very depressing memories of that time.
and upon the island, in the shade of a bit of woodland that was encircled by a wall, i had seen the place where slept those of my ancestors who had been excluded from the cemeteries because they had died in the protestant faith.
how could i be anything but faithful with such a past? and it is certain that had the inquisition been revived in my childhood, i would have suffered martyrdom joyfully, like one filled to overflowing with the spirit of god.
my faith was a faith that kept watch upon the theological errors of the time, and i did not know the resignation felt by my ancestors; in spite of my distaste for reading i often plunged into books of religious controversy; i knew by heart the many passages from the fathers and the decisions of the first councils; i could have discussed the dogmas of the church like a doctor of divinity, and i considered my arguments against the papacy very shrewd.
but notwithstanding my fervor a distaste for all of these religious things would often take possession of me; sometimes at church especially where the gray light fell upon me and chilled me i felt it most. the awful tediousness of some of the sunday sermons; the emptiness of the prayers, written in advance and spoken with conventional unctuous voice, and gestures to suit; and the apathy of the people who, dressed out in their best, came to listen,—how early i divined its hollowness,—and how deep was my disappointment, and how cruel the disillusionment—oh! the disheartening formalism of it all! the very appearance of the church disconcerted me: it was a new cityfied one, meant to be pretty without, however, meaning to be too much so; i especially recall certain little efforts at wall decoration which i held in the greatest abomination, and shuddered when i looked at. it was that disgust in little which i experienced in so great a degree when later i attended those paris churches that strive so for elegance, where one is met at the door by ushers whose shoulders are tricked out with knots of ribbon. . . . oh! for the congregation of cevennes! oh! for the preachers of the wilderness!
such little things as i have mentioned did not shake my faith which seemed as solid as a house built upon a rock; but doubtless they made the first imperceptible crevice through which, drop by drop, oozed the melting ice-cold water.
where i still knew true meditation, and felt the deep sweet peace one should feel in the house of god was in an old church in the village of st. pierre oleron; my great grandfather samuel had, at the time of the persecutions, worshipped and prayed there, and my mother had also attended it during her girlhood days. . . . i also loved those little country churches to which we sometimes went on sunday in the summer time: they were generally old and had simple whitewashed walls. they were built any where and every where, in a corner of a wheat field with wild flowers growing all about them; or in more retired places, in the centre of some enclosure at the far end of an avenue of old trees. the catholics have nothing, in my opinion, which surpasses in religious charm these humble little sanctuaries of our protestant ancestors—not even do their most exquisite stone chapels hidden away in the depth of the breton woods, that at a later time i learned to admire so much, touch me so deeply.
i still held fast to my determination to become a minister; it still seemed to me that that was my duty. i had pledged myself, in my prayers i had given my word to god. how could i therefore break my vow?
but when my young mind busied itself with thoughts of the future, more and more veiled from me by an impenetrable darkness, my preference was for a church which should be a little isolated from the noisy world, for one where the faith of my congregation should ever remain simple, for one receiving its consecration from a long past of prayers and sincerest worship.
it would be in the island of oleron perhaps!
yes; there, surrounded upon every side by the memories of my huguenot ancestors, i could look forward without dread, indeed with much contentment, to a life dedicated to the service of the lord.
