as if it were yesterday i recall the evening when i suddenly discovered that i could run and jump; and i remember that i was intoxicated by the delicious sensation almost to the point of falling.
this must have been at about the commencement of my second winter. at the sad hour of twilight i was in the dining-room of my parents' house, which room had always seemed a very vast one to me. at first, i was quiet, made so, no doubt, by the influence of the environing darkness, for the lamp was not yet lighted. but as the hour for dinner approached, a maid-servant came in and threw an armful of small wood into the fireplace to reanimate the dying fire. immediately there was a beautiful bright light, and the leaping flames illuminated everything, and waves of light spread to the far part of the room where i sat. the flames danced and leaped with a twining motion ever higher and higher and more gayly, and the tremulous shadows along the wall ran to their hiding-places—oh! how quickly i arose overwhelmed with admiration for i recollect that i had been sitting at the feet of my great-aunt bertha (at that time already very old) who half dozed in her chair. we were near a window through which the gray night filtered; i was seated upon one of those high, old-fashioned foot-stools with two steps, so convenient for little children who can from that vantage ground put their heads in grandmother's or grand-aunt's lap, and wheedle so effectually.
i arose in ecstasy, and approached the flames; then in the circle of light which lay upon the carpet i began to walk around and around and to turn. ever faster and faster i went, until suddenly i felt an unwonted elasticity run through my limbs, and in a twinkling i invented a new and amusing style of motion; it was to push my feet very hard against the floor, and then to lift them up together suddenly for a half second. when i fell, up i sprang and recommenced my play. bang! bang! with every increasing noise i went against the floor, and at last i began to feel a singular but agreeable giddiness in my head. i knew how to jump! i knew how to run!
i am convinced that that is my earliest distinct recollection of great joyousness.
“dear me! what is the matter with the child this evening?” asked my great-aunt bertha, with some anxiety. and i hear again the unexpected sound of her voice.
but i still kept on jumping. like those tiny foolish moths which of an evening revolve about the light of a lamp, i went around in the luminous circle which widened and retracted, ever taking form from the wavering light of the flames. and i remember all of this so vividly that my eyes can still see the smallest details of the texture of the carpet which was the scene of the event. it was of durable stuff called home-spun, woven in the country by native weavers. (our house was still furnished as it had been in my maternal grandmother's time, as she had arranged it after she had quitted the island, and come to the mainland.—a little later i will speak of this island which had already a mysterious attraction for my youthful imagination.—it was a simple country house, notable for its huguenot austerity; and it was a home where immaculate cleanliness and extreme order were the sole luxuries.)
in the circle of light, which grew ever more and more narrow, i still jumped; but as i did so i had thoughts that were of an intensity not habitual with me. at the same time that my tiny limbs discovered their power, my spirit also knew itself; a burst of light overspread my mind where dawning ideas still showed forth feebly. and it is without doubt to the inner awakening that this fleeting moment of my life owes its existence, owes undoubtedly its permanency in memory. but vainly i seek for the words, that seem ever to escape me, through which to express my elusive emotions. . . . here in the dining-room i look about and see the chairs standing the length of the wall, and i am reminded of the aged grandmother, grand-aunts and aunts who always come at a certain hour and seat themselves in them. why are they not here now? at this moment i would like to feel their protecting presence about me. probably they are upstairs in their rooms on the second floor; between them and me there is the dim stairway, the stairway that i people with shadowy beings the thought of which makes me tremble. . . . and my mother? i would wish most especially for her, but i know that she has gone out, gone out into the long streets which in my imagination have no end. i had myself gone to the door with her and had asked her: “when returnest thou?” and she had promised me that she would return speedily. later they told me that when i was a child i would never permit any members of the family to leave the house to go walking or visiting without first obtaining their assurance of a speedy homecoming. “you will come back soon?” i would say, and i always asked the question anxiously, as i followed them to the door.
my mother had departed, and it gave my heart a feeling of heaviness to know that she was out. out in the streets! i was content not to be there where it was cold and dark, where little children so easily lost their way,—how snug it was to be within doors before the fire that warmed me through and through; how nice it was to be at home! i had never realized it until this evening—doubtless it was my first distinct feeling of attachment to hearth and home, and i was sadly troubled at the thought of the immense, strange world lying beyond the door. it was then that i had, for the first time, a conscious affection for my aged aunts and grand-aunts, who cared for me in infancy, whom i longed to have seated around me at this dim, sad, twilight hour.
in the meantime the once bright and playful flames had died down, the armful of wood was consumed, and as the lamp was not lighted, the room was quite dark. i had already stumbled upon the home-spun carpet, but as i had not hurt myself, i recommenced my amusing play. for an instant i thought to experience a new but strange joy by going into the shadowy and distant recesses of the room; but i was overtaken there by an indefinable terror of something which i cannot name, and i hastily took refuge in the dim circle of light and looked behind me with a shudder to see whether anything had followed me from out of those dark corners. finally the flames died away entirely, and i was really afraid; aunt bertha sat motionless upon her chair, and although i felt that her eyes were upon me i was not reassured. the very chairs, the chairs ranged about the room, began to disquiet me because their long shadows, that stretched behind them exaggerating the height of ceiling and length of wall, moved restlessly like souls in the agonies of death. and especially there was a half-open door that led into a very dark hall, which in its turn opened into a large empty parlor absolutely dark. oh! with what intensity i fixed my eyes upon that door to which i would not for the world have turned my back!
this was the beginning of those daily winter-evening terrors which in that beloved home cast such a gloom over my childhood.
what i feared to see enter that door had no well defined form, but the fear was none the less definite to me: and it kept me standing motionless near the dead fire with wide open eyes and fluttering heart. when my mother suddenly entered the room by a different door, oh! how i clung to her and covered my face with her dress: it was a supreme protection, the sanctuary where no harm could reach me, the harbor of harbors where the storm is forgotten. . . .
at this instant the thread of recollection breaks, i can follow it no farther.
