of course the news of the crown prince’s return was soon known throughout the kingdom, and all the kings and queens being thoroughly tired of the complications which had arisen through there being so many of them elected, were quite delighted to hear of it.
“for what is the use,” boy heard one of them say, “of reigning if you have no subjects to rule over but a lot of stuck-up kings and queens who think too much of themselves to treat other people with proper respect? i’m heartily sick of it.”
“yes,” was the rejoinder, “and so am i. why, ever since my wife has been a queen she has been as disagreeable as she can possibly be, and insists upon ‘standing on her diginity,’ as she describes it, at home. i mustn’t call her ‘my dear’ if you please, it’s too familiar—‘your majesty’ this, and ‘your majesty’ that, is what she likes, till i’m tired of hearing it. i shall be right glad when she is plain jane eliza scroggs again, that i shall.”
quite early on the morning after the crown prince’s return cã¦sar augustus maximilian claudius smith (once more called thomas for short) was sent to drinkon college to bring the royal nurse and the little king home again, and while he was gone the prince and princess drove out in a beautiful carriage and pair and were received with most enthusiastic cheers and applause by the populace; and in the afternoon the little king returned accompanied by mrs. martha matilda nimpky.
boy was quite surprised to see that her corkscrcw curls were now a bright golden colour, whereas they had been quite black before.
one-and-nine did not come back with them, but the royal nurse had a letter from him addressed to boy, which he took up to his room and read.
“expensive sir,” it began.
“i wonder whatever he means?” thought boy. “oh! i see, ‘expensive’ is his way of writing ‘dear.’”
“expensive sir,
“this comes hopping that you are most healthful, as it leaves me at present. you will be joyed to hear that i am about to be matrimonialized to a zuluish lady of the richest colour—with movable joints. that majestuous lady the royal nurse having declined me with much pleasure, has offered to be sisterish to me; but the zuluish lady objects, so i have had to separationize myself from the majestuous one with considerable distance. before we parted i begged for one of those most twistful corkscrew curls as a keepsake, and she extravaganteously presentuated me with the lot—they fasten behind the head with considerable stringiness, or it may be even black tapeishness; it is hard to tell which is what in this life.
“the prince of whales has given me a new coat—of paint—and as my zuluish lady dresses with much simpleness, we shall doubtfully domesticate with great happiness.
“please give my devotionated affection to that majestuous lady, and say i will think of her with much continuation and perpetuation, and also the curls, which shall never leave my head—as it leaves her at present.
“yours contentuously,
“one-and-nine
“n.b.—she had another set in her box”
“i suppose he means another set of curls,” thought boy, “which would account for the change in mrs. martha matilda nimpky’s appearance. well, i’m sure i hope that one-and-nine will be happy with his zulu bride. what a funny chap he is, to be sure!”
later on in the day the prince and princess and the little king held a reception, to which all the principal inhabitants of zum were invited, and, of course, all the court dignitaries were present. the public rhymester was also there, through the influence of his friend the advertiser general.
the prince made a speech from the terrace, in which he informed the people that he should, of course, take the reins of office himself now, and would do his best, when king of the country, to promote the welfare of his subjects.
the princess was most popular too, and by her beauty and condescension captivated all hearts.
in the evening there was an al fresco concert in the beautiful palace gardens, which were brilliantly illuminated for the occasion. amongst the items on the programme were some songs by the “pierrot troupe,” and boy anxiously wondered if his pierrot would be amongst them. to his great delight he found that he was, and when he stepped forward with his banjo, and began the well-known tune to “the little tin soldier,” boy applauded vigorously. the words, however, were quite different, and went somehow like this—
the married tin soldier.
one night as i paused by the nursery door,
and looked at the scattered toys,
i said to myself, “was there ever before
such troublesome girls and boys?”
and then as i hurried to gather them up,
i heard a wee voice complain,
“oh! sorry am i that i ever was wed,
and would i were single again!”
on the ground at my feet lay a soldier red,
and i think he was made of tin,
and i noticed the paint on the top of his head
was getting remarkably thin.
and i asked him why, at that hour of the night,
he was making that horrible noise;
and i told him to stop and behave like a man,
or like other respectable toys.
“oh! how would you like it yourself,” quoth he,
“to be married to such a wife;
to be treated as no loving husband should be,
and be plagued almost out of your life?
she carries on with the other toys,
she’s extravagant and vain;
no wonder,” he said, “that i’m sorry i wed
and long to be single again.”
“it’s all very well,” said another voice,
“but he’s just as bad as me,
and he needn’t have wed, for i had my choice
of many as good as he.”
and a waxen doll, in a dress of blue
that was rather the worse for wear,
looked up from under our baby’s shoe
with a discontented air.
“you naughty, naughty toys,” i cried,
“to quarrel now you’re wed.”
and as i packed them side by side
i sadly shook my head.
to think that this man and his wife
to such extremes should go—
how glad i am that in this life
we never quarrel so!
“dear me!” thought boy, “i suppose that is the same dolly-girl and tin soldier that he sang about before. well, one-and-nine has the best of the bargain after all, if it is true; i must ask pierrot about it if i get a chance of speaking to him.”
while the concert was still going on a messenger arrived from the king of limesia saying that he was very pleased to have his portmanteau again, and that he had quite forgiven his daughter for marrying the prince now, and wished them every joy and happiness; and sent them as a peace-offering a number of flying machines, which had just been invented by one of his subjects, and which were most popular at limesia.
“flying is now the popular craze of the day in our land,” explained the messenger, “and the park is reserved certain hours in the day for the convenience of ‘flyists.’ ladies now hold their ‘at homes’ at the top of the highest trees, and flying tours are all the rage.”
the machines, of which forty or fifty were sent, were very simple, and consisted of two large silk and whalebone wings, fastened on to the back with straps. another strap was fastened at the wrist, and by flapping one’s arms about it was possible to fly quite comfortably.
his absolute nothingness the public rhymester had to try one first.
“for,” as the lord high adjudicator explained, “if he is killed it doesn’t matter in the least.”
he got on very well, though, and then some of the others ventured to try them, and amused themselves and the rest of the company by flying up into the trees and down again. boy tried a pair, but thought them very clumsy. i suppose that really they were too big for him.
“not so comfortable as sailing in the moon, is it?” said a voice by his side, and looking around boy beheld pierrot with his banjo under his arm.
“oh, how do you do?” cried boy, holding out his hand. “i’m so glad to meet you again.”
“how have you been enjoying yourself?” asked pierrot.
“oh! immensely, thanks,” replied boy; “but i was beginning to wonder how i should get home again. of course you can take me back in ‘the moon, can’t you?”
“oh yes, if you like,” said pierrot, “but we are starting soon and if you are coming with us you had better make your adieu to the prince and princess at once.”
boy arranged to meet pierrot in a few moments by the bandstand and then hurried off to say good-bye to his friends.
“oh! must you go?” cried the prince. “i’m so sorry. i wanted to ask you such a lot of questions about the government of the country that you come from, with a view to adopting somewhat the same system here; but, of course, if you must go you must. can’t you tell me just a little bit about it before you go, though?”
“well, your highness,” said boy, “i really don’t know much about politics, but you see we have a lot of gentlemen in england who are called members of parliament who are elected from all parts of the country, and they sit every day and talk about the affairs of the nation. they have such a lot to talk about that sometimes they have to sit there all night, and bring sandwiches and things in their pockets to eat, or they would starve. ladies are invited to these meetings, and sit up in the gallery to prevent the liberals from quarrelling with the conservatives, because of course it would be very rude to quarrel before ladies, wouldn’t it?”
“but what are liberals and conservatives, and what do they want to quarrel for?” asked the prince.
“oh! i don’t know exactly,” said boy; “but they take sides in parliament, you know, and one side wants to keep everything the same as it has been for hundreds of years, and the other side wants to alter everything—and they are always squabbling about this.”
“but why doesn’t the king stop it?” asked the prince.
“oh! our kings and queens never meddle with politics; they only sign things, and confer titles, and hold drawing rooms, and open hospitals, and convalescent homes, and orphanages, and that sort of thing. they let the members of parliament settle all the other matters themselves. i’m afraid i haven’t made it very clear, but i must be off now, your highness,” and after shaking hands with the prince and princess, boy hurried back to the bandstand, where he found pierrot and the rest of the troupe waiting for him in the moon.
the prince’s guests were all curiously crowding around them, and as they started they gave a hearty cheer while the moon rose slowly up into the air and the pierrot troupe struck up a lively tune on their banjoes.
before they had gone very far, however, boy could see that the busybody extraordinary and several of the other guests were hastily fastening on their wings.
“surely they are not going to try to fly up here!” he cried.
they were, though, and in a very few moments he could see that about forty or fifty of the guests were flying rapidly towards them.
“good gracious!” cried boy, “they can never all get in here; we shall be upset. go back!” he shouted, leaning over the moon, “go back!”
but nearer and nearer they flew, till presently the lord high adjudicator’s head appeared at the side of the moon, then the advertiser general, and immediately afterwards six or seven others were scrambling over the side.
“pray be careful. you can’t possibly all get in,” cried boy; “we shall certainly be overbalanced;” but no one heeded him, and more and more people came tumbling in till, just as boy had feared, the moon lurched to one side, and then when they all rushed to the other, turned completely upside down, and out they all tumbled. boy screamed and shut his eyes in his fright as he felt himself falling down and down and down, till crash—bang!—crash! and boy found himself struggling on his back; he opened his eyes, and—would you believe it?—he was in his little strange bed at scarboro’, the sun was streaming through the window and the servant was knocking at the door and saying, “your shaving water, sir,” for he had mistaken boy’s room for his uncle’s.
“well, i can’t believe it has all been a dream,” he thought as he got up and dressed himself. “i shall certainly ask pierrot about it when i see him on the sands.”
but when later on in the morning he did see pierrot, that amusing gentleman declared he had never been to zum in his life, and asked boy where it was, which was such a puzzling question that boy has never been able to answer it to this day.
