i do not know how long it took for the certainty that i had been kissed by an utter stranger in the presence of the entire picnic, to work through the singing flames in which that kiss had wrapped me. we must have walked on almost immediately in the direction of the snigger; i remember a kind of clutch of my spirit toward the mere mechanical act of walking, to hold me fast to the time and place from which there was an inward rush to escape. we walked on. they were all sitting together under a bank of hazel and the girls' laps were filled with the brown clusters. out of my whirling dimness i heard helmeth garrett explaining, as i introduced him, how he had come across me in the wood, looking for them.
"and of course," suggested charlie gower, "in such good company you weren't in a hurry about looking for the rest of us." i remembered the asparagus bed and was glad i had slapped him.
"no," my companion looked him over very coolly, "now that i've seen some of the rest of you i'm glad i didn't hurry." plainly it wasn't going to do to try to take it out of helmeth garrett.
as we began by common consent to move back to the spring, forester drew me by the arm behind the hazel. he was divided between a brotherly disgust at my lapse, and delight to have caught the prim olivia tripping.
"well," he exclaimed, "you have done it!" considering what i knew of forester's affairs this was unbearable.
"oh! it isn't for you to talk——"
"what i want to know is, whether i am to thrash him or not?"
"thrash him?" i wondered.
"for getting you talked about ... off there in the woods all afternoon!"
"we weren't——" i began, but suddenly i saw the white bolls of the sycamores redden with the westering sun; we must have been three hours covering what was at most a half hour's walk. "don't be vulgar, forester," i went on, with my chin in the air.
"oh, well," was my brother's parting shot, "i don't know as i ought to make any objection, seeing you didn't."
that, i felt, was the weakness of my position; i not only hadn't made any objection, i hadn't felt any shame; the annoyance, the hurt of outraged maidenliness, whatever was the traditional attitude, hadn't come. inwardly i burned with the woods afire, the red west, the white star like a torch that came out above it. on the way home helmeth garrett rode with us as far as the main road and was particularly attentive to pauline and flora haines. i remember it came to me dimly that there was something designedly protective in this; there was more or less veiled innuendo flying about which failed to get through to me. pauline put it quite plainly for me when she came to talk things over the day after the picnic. she was sympathetic.
"oh, my dear, it must be dreadful for you," she cooed; "a perfect stranger, and getting you talked about that way!"
"so i am talked about?"
"my dear, what could you expect? and in plain sight of us. if you had only pushed him away, or something."
"i couldn't," i said, "i was so ... astonished." in the night i had found myself explaining to pauline how this affair of helmeth garrett had differed importantly from all similar instances; now i saw its shining surfaces dimmed with comment like unwiped glass.
"that's just what i said!" pauline was pleased with herself. "i told belle endsleigh you weren't used to that sort of thing ... you were completely overcome. but of course he wasn't really a gentleman or he wouldn't have done it." i do not know why at this moment it occurred to me that probably henry mills hadn't proposed to pauline after all, but before i could frame a discreet question she was off in another direction.
"what will tommy bettersworth say?"
"why, what has he got to do with it?"
"o-liv-ia! after the way you've encouraged him...."
"you mean because i went to the picnic with him? well, what can he do about it?" pauline gave me up with a gesture.
"tommy is the soul of chivalry," she said, "and anybody can see he is crazy about you, simply crazy." what i really wanted was that she should go on talking about helmeth garrett. i wanted ground for putting to her that since all we had been sedulously taught about kissing and all "that sort of thing"—that it was horrid, cheapening, insufferable—had failed to establish itself, had in fact come as a sword, divining mystery, it couldn't be dealt with on the accepted taylorville basis. i felt the quality of achievement in helmeth garrett's right to kiss me, a right which i was sure he lacked only the occasion to establish. but when the occasion came it went all awry.
it was the next sunday morning, and all down polk street the frost-bitten flower borders were a little made up for by the passage between the shoals of maple leaves that lined the walks, of whole flocks of bright winged, new fall hats on their way to church. mother and effie were in front and two of my sunday-school scholars had scurried up like rabbits out of the fallen leafage and tucked themselves on either side of my carefully held skirts. suddenly there was a rattle of buggy wheels on the winter roughed road; it turned in by niles's corner and drove directly toward us; the top was down and i made out by the quick pricking of my blood, the garrett bays and helmeth with his hat off, his hair tousled, and a bright soft tie swinging free of his vest. you saw heads turning all along the block in discreet censure of his unsabbatical behaviour. he recognized me almost immediately and turned the team with intention to our side of the street. he was going to speak to me ... he was speaking. my mother's back stiffened, she didn't know of course. forrie wouldn't have had the face to tell her, but how many eyes on us up and down the street did know? a sunday-school teacher in the midst of her scholars ... and he had kissed me on thursday!
"olivia," said my mother, "do you know that young man? such manners ... sunday morning, too. well, i am glad that you had the sense to ignore him;" and i did not know until that moment that i had.
it was because of my habit of living inwardly, i suppose, that it never occurred to me that the incident could have any other bearing on our relations than the secret one of confirming me in my impression of our intimacy being on a superior, excluding footing. he had come, as i was perfectly aware, to renew it at the point of breaking off, and this security quite blinded me to the effect my cold reception might have upon him. that he would fail to understand how i was hemmed and pinned in by taylorville, hadn't occurred to me, not even when he passed us again on the way home from church, driving recklessly. his hat was on this time, determinedly to one side, and he was smoking, smoking a cigar. i thought at first he had not seen me, but he turned suddenly when he was quite past and swept me a flourish with it held between two fingers of the hand that touched his hat.
at that time in taylorville no really nice young man smoked, at least not when he would get found out. this offensiveness in the face of the returning church-goers was too flagrant to admit even the appearance of noticing it, but that it would be noticed, taken stock of in the general summing up of our relation, i was sickeningly aware.
tommy bettersworth put one version of it for me comfortingly when he came in the evening to take me to church.
"i saw you turn down that garrett fellow this morning. served him right ... that and the way you behaved thursday ... just as if you did not find him worth rowing about. a lot of girls make a fuss, and it's only to draw a fellow on; and now you're going to church with me the same as usual; that'll show 'em what i think of it." now, i had clean forgotten that tommy might come that evening. i was whelmed with the certainty that helmeth garrett had gone back to the farm after all without seeing me; and the moment tommy came through the gate i had one of those rifts of lucidity in which i saw him whole and limited, pasted flat against the background of taylorville without any perspective of imagination, and was taken mightily with the wish to explain to him where he stood, once for all, outside and disconnected with anything that was vital and important to me. but quite unexpectedly, before i could frame a beginning, he had presented himself to me in a new light. he was cover, something to get behind in order to exercise myself more freely in the things he couldn't understand.
something more was bound to come out of my relation to helmeth garrett; the incident couldn't go on hanging in the air that way; and in the meantime here was an opportunity to put it out of public attention by going out with tommy. it did hang in the air, however, for three days, during which i pulsed and sickened with expectancy; by thursday it had reached a point where i knew that if helmeth garrett didn't come and kiss me again i shouldn't be able to bear it. it was soon after sundown that i felt him coming.
i took a great many turns in the garden, which, carrying me occasionally out of reach of the click of the gate latch, afforded me the relief of thinking that he might have arrived in the interval when i was out of hearing. his approaching tread was within me. when it was just seven my mother came out and called:
"olivia, i promised mrs. endsleigh a starter of yeast; i have just remembered. could you take it to her?"
the endsleigh backyard was separated from ours by a vacant lot, the houses fronting on parallel streets; there was no sound at the gate and mother had the bowl in a white napkin held out to me, with a long message about where the sewing circle was to meet next thursday.
"if any body comes,"—for the life of me i couldn't have kept that back,—"you can tell them i'll be back in a minute," i cautioned her.
"are you expecting anybody?"
"only tommy," i prevaricated, instantly and unaccountably. i saw my mother look at me rather oddly over the tops of the glasses she had lately assumed. on the endsleigh's back porch i found belle in evening dress gathering ivy berries for her hair.
"oh," she said, to my plain appearance, "aren't you going?"
"going where?"
"oh, if you don't know ... to flora's." belle was embarrassed.
"i hadn't heard of it."
"it's just a few friends," belle wavered between sympathy and superiority. "flora is so particular...."
"i couldn't have gone anyway," i interpolated, "i have an engagement." i had to find mrs. endsleigh after that and deliver my errand.
when i reached home mother was sitting placidly just outside the circle of the lamp, knitting. she only looked up as i entered and i had to drag it out of her at last.
"has anybody been here?"
"nobody that you would care to see."
"but who?"
"that fast-looking young man who tried to speak to you on sunday. i'm glad you have a proper feeling about such things. mr. garrett's nephew, didn't you say? i told him you were engaged."
"oh, mother!" i was out in panting haste. at the gate i ran square into tommy bettersworth.
"did you see anybody?"
"nobody. i came through by davis's. i was coming in," he suggested, as i stood peering into the dark.
"i thought you'd be going to flora's." a wild hope flashed in me that maybe he was going and i should be rid of him.
"oh, i don't care much for that crowd. i told her i had an engagement with you." so he had known i was not to be invited. i resented the liberty of his defence. "let's go down to niles's and have some ice cream," tommy propitiated.
"it's too cold for ice cream." i led the way back to the house. i was satisfied there was no one in the street. when we stepped into the fan of light from the lit window, tommy saw my face.
"oh, i say, ollie, you mustn't take it like that. beastly cats girls are! flora's just jealous because she thought she was invited to the picnic for that garrett chap, and you got him; she wants to have a chance at him herself to-night." there was a green-painted garden seat on the porch between the front windows. i sat down in it.
"it's not flora i'm crying about ... it is being so misunderstood." i was thinking that helmeth garrett would suppose i had stayed away from flora's on his account; she would never dare to say she had not invited me. tommy's arm came comfortingly along the back of the bench.
"it's just because they do understand that they are mad; they know a fellow would give his eyes to kiss you. infernal cad! to snatch it like that; and i've never even asked you for one." his voice was very close to my ear. "i tell you, olivia, i've thought of something. if you were to be engaged to me ... you know i've always wanted ... then nobody would have a right to say anything. they'd see that you just left it to me."
"oh," i blurted, "it's not so bad as that!"
"you think about it," he urged. "i don't want to bother you, but if you need it, why here i am." it was because i was thinking of him so little that i hadn't noticed where tommy's arm had got by this time. that unfulfilled kiss had seemed somehow to leave me unimaginably exposed, assailed. i was needing desperately then to be kissed again, to find myself revalued.
"it's awfully good of you, tommy...."
i do not know how it was that neither of us heard forester come up from the gate; all at once there was his foot on the step; as he came into the porch a soft sound drew him, he stared blankly on us for a moment and then laughed shortly.
"oh! it's you this time, bettersworth. i thought it might be that garrett chap."
that was unkind of forester, but there were extenuations. i found afterward that belle had teased flora to ask him and he had refused, thinking it unbrotherly when i was not to be invited, and he and belle had quarrelled.
"i don't know as it matters to you"—tommy was valiant—"whom she kisses, if i don't mind it."
"you? what have you got to do with it?"
"well, a lot. i'm engaged to her."
