after the first shock of our sorrow was over, the question arose as to what we were to do in future for our support. grandma was already old, while mother was not so young as she had been once, and neither could do much towards their own maintenance, which necessarily would devolve upon us their children. it had ever been a pet project of mine to go south as a teacher, and when one day in looking over a boston paper i accidentally came across the advertisement of a georgia lady, mrs. a. d. lansing, who wished for a private governess, i resolved at once to apply for the situation, greatly fearing lest i might be too late.
i was not, however; for after waiting impatiently for a few weeks, i received a letter from the lady herself, who, after enumerating the duties i was expected to perform and the branches i was to teach, added, in a p. s.: “before making any definite arrangements with miss lee, mrs. lansing wishes to be informed if, either by her friends or herself, she is considered pretty, as a person of decidedly ordinary looks will be preferred.”
“spiteful, jealous old thing!” exclaimed lizzie, who was looking over my shoulder, “i wouldn’t stir a step.”
but i thought differently. my curiosity was roused to 219know the cause of her strange freak; and then, too, six hundred dollars per year would amply atone for any little peculiarities in my employer. so i answered her letter forthwith, assuring her that neither my friends nor myself had ever been guilty of calling me pretty—in short, i was decidedly homely, and trusted that on that point at least i should please her.
“what a fib, rosa,” said charlie, when i told him what i had written. “you know you are not homely. you used to be, i’ll admit; but you are far from being so now. to be sure, you are not what many would call handsome, but you are decidedly good-looking. you’ve got handsome eyes, splendid hair (and he pulled one of my short, thick curls by way of adding emphasis to his words) and your complexion is not one half so sallow and muddy as it used to be. depend upon it, this ‘mrs. angeline delafield lansing, of cedar grove’ will think you have deceived her.”
“nonsense!” i replied, seating myself at the piano, which was now my constant companion, mrs. lansing having written that she was very particular about music.
now, to tell the truth, i was not very much of a performer, but looking upon the south very much as i did upon the far west, i fancied that a small amount of showy accomplishments would pass for the real coin. still i determined to play as well as possible, and so week after week i practised, until, when i had nearly given up all hopes of ever hearing from the lady again, i one day received a letter bearing the w—— post-mark, and containing a check on a boston bank for money sufficient to defray my expenses. there were also a few hastily written lines, saying that “mrs. lansing considered our engagement as settled, but she should not expect me until the latter part of april, as she could not immediately get rid of her present governess, 220a painted, insipid creature from new york, and the veriest humbug in the world.”
“a sweet time you’ll have of it with madam,” said charlie, “and once for all i advise you to give up going. why, only think, april there is hotter than pepper, and of course you’ll take the fever and die.”
but i was not to be persuaded. the “sunny south” had for me a peculiar fascination; and then, too, there was another reason which, more than all others, prompted me to go. georgia was the home of the dark man, as i called him, and though there was hardly a probability of my ever meeting him there, such a thing was still possible, and like longfellow’s evangeline, who, on the broad mississippi, felt that each dip of the oar carried her nearer to her lost gabriel, so each day i felt a stronger and stronger conviction that somewhere in the southern land i should find him.
in the meantime, anna had been with us for a few weeks, but greatly changed from the anna of former times. listlessly she moved from room to room—never smiling, never weeping, and seldom speaking unless she were first addressed. to her, everything was dark, deep night, and such a gloom did her presence cast over us all, that though we would gladly have kept her with us, we still felt relieved when she left us for a home in boston, where little jamie soon became the idol of his grandmother, whose subdued cheerfulness had ere long a visible effect upon anna. cousin will, too, had visited us, and after spending a short time had sailed with brother john for california, promising himself a joyous future, when he should return with money sufficient to purchase the old homestead, which he said should be mother’s as long as she lived.
it was a cold, dark, snowy morning in the latter part of april, when i at last started on my journey. the surface 221of the ground was frozen hard, the trees were leafless and bare, while but few green things gave token that spring was with us. it is not strange, then, that i almost fancied myself in another world, when after a prosperous sea voyage i one morning went on shore at charleston, and first breathed the soft, balmy air of the south. dense and green was the foliage of the trees, while thousands of roses and flowering shrubs filled the air with a perfume almost sickening to the senses. from charleston to augusta was a wearisome ride, for the cars were crowded and dirty, and there was to me nothing remarkably pleasing in the long stretches of cypress swamps and pine barrens through which we passed.
it was late in the evening when we reached the town of c——, from whence i was to proceed to w——, by stage. it was a most beautiful night; and for hours i watched the soft moonlight as it glimmered among the trees which lined either side of the narrow road, and whose branches often swept against the windows of our lumbering vehicle. it was long after sunrise when we arrived at w——, but so thickly wooded is the country around, that i obtained not a single glimpse of the town until i suddenly found myself “thar,” as the driver said, dismounting and opening the door of our prison-house. the hotel into which i was ushered, would, perhaps, compare favorably with our country taverns at the north; but at each step i took, i felt a more and more painful consciousness that home, my home, was far away.
after shaking the dust from my travelling dress, and slaking my thirst from the big gourd shell (my special delight), which hung by the side of a bucket of cool water which stood on a little stand in the parlor, i inquired for some one who would take to mrs. lansing my card, and 222thus apprise her of my arrival. the landlord immediately summoned a bright, handsome mulatto boy, who, after receiving my orders, and favoring me with a sight of his ivories, started off bare-headed, and for that matter bare-bodied too, for cedar grove, which the landlord pointed out to me in the distance, and which, with its dense surroundings of trees, looked to me delightfully cool and pleasant. after waiting rather impatiently for an hour or more, a large, old-fashioned carriage, drawn by two rather poor-looking horses, stopped before the door. it belonged to mrs. lansing; and the footman, jumping down from the rack behind, handed me a note, in which the lady begged me to come directly to her house, saying she was herself indisposed, or she would have come down to meet me, and also adding, that if i would excuse her she would rather not see me until supper-time, when she hoped to feel better.
at the extremity of main street, we turned in at a ponderous gate, and after passing through two or three fields or lawns, stopped at last in front of cedar grove, which stood upon a slight eminence overlooking the town. in perfect delight i gazed around me, for it seemed the embodiment of my childish dreams, and involuntarily i exclaimed, “this is indeed the sunny, sunny south.” it was very beautiful, that spacious yard and garden, with their winding walks on which no ray of sunlight fell, so securely were they shaded, by the cedar and the fir, the catalpa, the magnolia, and the fig tree, most of them seen now by me for the first time in all their natural beauty, reminded one so forcibly of eden. the house itself was a large, square building, surrounded on three sides by a piazza, which i afterwards found was the family sitting-room; it being there that they congregated both morning 223and evening. the building had once been white, but the paint was nearly all worn off, and it now presented a rather dilapidated appearance, with its broken shutters and decayed pillars, round which vines and ivy were twining. the floors within were bare, but scrupulously clean; while the rooms lacked the costly furniture i had confidently expected to see.
scarcely was i seated in the parlor, when i heard a sweet, childish voice exclaim, “she’s in thar—she is,” while at the same time a pair of soft, blue eyes looked through the crevice of the door, and then were quickly withdrawn, their owner laughing aloud as if she had accomplished some daring feat, and calling out, “i seen her, hal—i did. and she don’t look cross neither. you dassn’t peek in thar, dast you?”
they were my future pupils, i was sure; and already my heart warmed towards them, particularly her with the silvery voice, and i was just thinking of going out to find them, when i heard a light footstep on the stairs, and the next moment a tall, dark-eyed girl, apparently fourteen or fifteen years of age, entered the room, introducing herself as miss lina lansing, and welcoming me so cordially that i felt myself at once at home.
“mother,” said she, “is indisposed, as i believe she wrote you, and has sent me to receive you, and ask what you would like.”
i had scarcely slept a moment the night previous, so i replied, that if convenient, i would go immediately to my room. ringing the bell, she summoned to the room a short, dumpy mulatto, whom she called cressy, and who, she said, was to be my attendant. following her up the stairs, i was ushered into a large, airy chamber, which, though not furnished with elegance, still contained everything for my 224comfort, even to a huge feather bed, the sight of which made me wipe the perspiration from my face.
“shall i wash missus’ feet first, or comb her har,” asked the negress, pouring a pitcher of water into a small bathing tub.
this was entirely new to me, who had always been accustomed to wait upon myself, so i declined her offers of assistance, telling her, “i preferred being alone, and could do everything for myself which was necessary.”
“laws, missus!” she answered, rolling the whites of her eyes, “’taint no ways likely you can bresh and ’range all dat ar har,” pointing to my thick and now somewhat tangled curls. “why, miss lina’s straighter dan a string, an’ i’ll be boun’ she never yet tache a comb to it herself.”
with some difficulty i convinced the african that her services were not needed, and staring at me as if i had been a kind of monstrosity, she left the room, the door of which i bolted against any new intruder. the windows of my chamber looked out upon the garden, where now were blossoming roses and flowers of every possible hue and form. a little to the right, and about a quarter of a mile away was, another building, larger and more imposing than that of mrs. lansing, while a great deal of taste seemed to be displayed in the arrangement of the grounds. as nearly as i could judge, it stood upon a little hill, for the trees appeared to rise regularly one above the other, the fir and the cedar forming the outer boundary; while, as i afterwards learned, the inner rows consisted of the graceful magnolia, the wide-spreading catalpa, the beautiful china tree, and the persimmon, whose leaves in the autumn wear a most brilliant hue, and present so fine a contrast to the dark green of the pine and the fir. very, very pleasant it looked to me, with its white walls just discernible amid 225the dense foliage which surrounded it, and for a long time i stood gazing towards it wondering whose home it was, and if the inmates were as happy as it seemed they might be.
at last, faint with the fatigue of my journey and the odor of the flowers, which, from the garden below, came in at the open window, i threw myself upon the lounge (feather bed looking altogether too formidable) and was soon fast asleep, dreaming of meadow brook, of the white house on the hill, and of the dark man, who, i thought, told me that it should one day be my home. when at last i awoke, the sun was no longer shining in at my windows, for it was late in the afternoon, and the fiercest heat of the day was past. springing up, i commenced dressing with some trepidation, for i expected to meet the mistress of the house at supper-time. my toilet was nearly completed when i heard in the hall the patter of childish feet, while a round, bright eye was applied to the key-hole. it was the same which had looked at me in the parlor, and anxious to see its owner, i stepped out of the door just as a fairy creature with golden curls started to run away. i was too quick for her, however, and catching her in my arms, i pushed back the clustering ringlets from her brow, and gazing into her sunny face, asked her name.
raising her white, waxen hand, she did for me the office i had done for her, viz. pushed back my curls, and looking in my face, answered, “ma says it’s jessica, but lina, hal, and uncle dick call me jessie, and i like that a heap the best. you are our new governess, ain’t you?”
she was singularly beautiful, and yet it was not so much the regularity of her features, nor the clearness of her complexion which made her so. it was the light which shone in her lustrous blue eyes, which gave her the expression of an angel, 226for such she was—an angel in her southern home, which, without her would have been dark and cheerless. her brother, whom she called hal, was three years older, and not nearly so handsome. he was very dark, and it seemed to me that i had seen a face like his before; but ere i could remember where, a faint voice from the piazza, which faced the east and was now quite cool, called out, “halbert, halbert, come here.”
“that’s ma,” said jessie, getting down from my arms. “that’s ma—come and see her,” and following her, i soon stood in the presence of mrs. lansing, who was reclining rather indolently in a large willow chair, while at her back was a negress half asleep, but appearing wide awake whenever her mistress moved.
she was a chubby, rosy-cheeked woman, apparently thirty-five years of age. her eyes were very black, and she had a habit of frequently shutting them, so as to show off the long, fringed eyelashes. on the whole, i thought, she was quite prepossessing in her appearance, an opinion, however, which i changed ere long; for by the time i reached her, there was a dark cloud on her brow, evidently of displeasure or of disappointment. still she was very polite, offering me her jewelled hand, and saying, “miss lee, i suppose. you are welcome to georgia then;” after an instant, she added, “you don’t look at all like i thought you would.”
i was uglier than she expected, i presumed, and the tears started to my eyes as i replied, “i wrote to you that i was very plain, but after a little i shall look better; i am tired now with travelling.”
a strange, peculiar smile flitted over her face, while she intently regarded me as if to assure herself of my sanity. i was puzzled, and in my perplexity i said something about returning home, if my looks were so disagreeable. “they 227were used to me there, and didn’t mind it,” i said; at the same time leaning my head against the vine-wreathed pillars, i sobbed aloud. lithe as a kitten, little jessie sprang up behind me, and winding her arms around my neck, asked why i cried.
“did ma make you cry?” she said. “uncle dick says she makes all the governesses cry.”
“jessica, jessica, get down this moment,” said the lady. “i did not intend to hurt miss lee’s feelings, and do not understand how i could have done so. she is either acting a part, or else she strangely misunderstands me.”
i never acted a part in my life, and, somewhat indignant, i wiped away my tears and asked “what she meant.”
there was the same smile on her face which i had noticed before, as she said, “do you really think yourself ugly?”
of course i did. i had never thought otherwise, for hadn’t i been told so ever since i was a child no larger than jessie, and the impression thus early received had never been eradicated. thus i answered her, and she believed me, for she replied, “you are mistaken, miss lee, for however plain you might have been in childhood, you are not so now. neither do i understand how with those eyes, that hair and brow, you can think yourself ugly. i do not believe you meant to deceive me, but, to tell the truth, i am disappointed; but that cannot now be helped, and we’ll make the best of it.”
perfectly astonished, i listened to her remarks, giving her the credit of meaning what she said, and for the first time in my life, i felt as i suppose folks must feel who think they are handsome! after this little storm was over, she evidently exerted herself to be agreeable for a few moments, and then rather abruptly asked me how old i was.
“not quite eighteen!” she repeated in some surprise. 228“why i supposed you were twenty-five at least! don’t you think she looks older than ada?” turning to lina, who answered quickly, “oh, no, mother, nothing like as old. why, i shouldn’t think her over seventeen at the most.”
now among my other misfortunes i numbered that of “looking old as the hills,” so i didn’t care particularly for what they said, though it struck me as rather singular that mrs. lansing should thus discuss me in my presence; but this thought was lost in the more absorbing one as to who the ada could be of whom she had spoken. possibly it was ada montrose, though i ardently hoped to the contrary, for well i knew there was no happiness for me where she was. thinking it would be on a par with the questions put to me, i was on the point of asking who ada was, when we were summoned to supper, which consisted mostly of broiled chickens, strong coffee, iced milk, egg bread, and hoecakes, if i except the row of sables who grouped themselves around the table, and the feather girl, whose efforts to keep awake amused me so much that i almost forgot to eat. we were nearly through when a handsome mulatto boy entered and handed a letter to his mistress, which she immediately opened, holding it so that the address could be read by halbert, who, after spelling it out, exclaimed, “that’s from uncle dick, i know!”
“is he coming home?” asked jessie, dropping her knife and fork, while even lina, who seldom evinced much interest in anything, roused up and repeated the question which jessie had asked.
“yes. he is in new york now,” said mrs. lansing; “and will be here in a week.”
“good!” exclaimed halbert.
“oh, i’m right glad,” said jessie, while lina asked if ada was with him.
229“no,” returned mrs. lansing. “she is still in paris with her cousin, and will not return until autumn.”
“i’m glad of that,” said lina, to which hal rejoined, “and so am i. she’s so proud and stuck up, i can’t bear her.”
“children, children,” spoke mrs. lansing, rather sternly, at the same time rising from the table.
it was not yet sunset; and as soon as we were again assembled upon the piazza, halbert and jessie, who were never still, asked permission to “run up to uncle dick’s, and tell the servants he was coming home.”
mrs. lansing made no objection; and then they proposed that i should accompany them. feeling that a walk would do me good, i turned towards mrs. lansing, for her consent. it was given, of course; but had i known her better i should have detected a shade of displeasure on her face.
“you had better go too,” said she to lina; but lina was too listless and indolent, and so we went without her, little jessie holding my hand, and jumping instead of walking.
“eva’s mighty lazy,” said she, at last; “don’t you think so!”
“who’s lazy?” i asked; and she replied—
“’thar, i done forgot again, and called her eva. her name is evangeline, and we used to call her eva, until mother read a bad book that had little eva in it, and then she called her lina.”
“’twan’t a bad book, neither,” exclaimed halbert, stopping suddenly; “uncle dick said ’twan’t; but it made mother mad, i tell you, and now when she gets rarin’ he calls her mrs. st. clare.”
i needed no one to tell me that it was “uncle tom,” to which he referred, but i said nothing except to chide the children for their negro language.
230“i know we talk awful,” said jessie, brushing her curls from her eyes. “uncle dick says we do, but i mean to learn better. i don’t talk half like i used to.”
i could not help smiling in spite of myself upon the little creature bounding and frisking at my side. uncle dick seemed to be her oracle, and after looking around to make sure that no one heard me, i asked “who he was?”
“why, he’s uncle dick,” said she; “the bestest uncle in the world;” while halbert added, “he’s got a heap of money, too; and once, when ma thought i was asleep, i heard her tell lina, that if he didn’t get married it would be divided between us, and i should have the most, ’cause i’m named after him, richard halbert delafield lansing, and they call me hal, for short. i told uncle dick what mother said, and i tell you, he looked blacker’n a nigger; and somehow, after that he took to ridin’ and foolin’ with ada, wonderfully.”
as yet everything with me was comparatively conjecture. i did not know positively that the uncle dick of the children was the “dark man” of rosa lee; but the answer to my next question would decide it, and half tremblingly was it put. “who is this ada. what is her other name?”
“ada montrose, and she lives with us. uncle dick is her guardian,” said halbert, throwing a bit of dirt at the negro boy who accompanied us, and who returned the young gentleman’s salute with interest.
i was satisfied, and did not wish to hear any more. i should meet him again, and tinged as my temperament is with a love of the marvellous, i could not help believing that providence had led me there. by this time we had reached “sunny bank,” as it was very appropriately called, and never before had i seen so lovely a spot. the grounds, which were very spacious, were surrounded on all sides by a 231hedge of the beautiful cherokee rose, and, unlike those of cedar grove, were laid out with perfect taste and order, mr. delafield, as i afterwards learned, had spent much time at the north, and in the arrangement of his house and grounds, he had not only imitated, but far surpassed the style of the country seats which are so often found within a few miles of our eastern cities. for this he was in a measure indebted to dame nature, who at the south scatters her favors with a lavish hand, sometimes beautifying and adorning objects far better than the utmost skill of man could do. the gate at the entrance of sunny bank was a huge wooden structure, having for its posts two immense oak trees, around whose trunks the graceful ivy twined, and then hung in fanciful festoons from several of the lower branches.
as i had supposed, the house itself stood upon a slight elevation, and the walk which led up to it was bordered on either side by the mock orange, whose boughs, meeting overhead, formed an effectual screen from the rays of the sun. the building, though fashioned in the same style as that of mrs. lansing, was much larger, and had about it a far more stylish air. much of the furniture had been brought from new york, halbert said; adding that “all the floors were covered with matting in the summer, and elegant turkey carpets in the winter.”
in the rear of the house were the cabins of the negroes, who were lounging idly about, some on the ground, some in the doors, and some stretched at full length upon the back of the piazza, evidently enjoying the cool evening breeze. at sight of us, they roused up a little, and when halbert, after announcing that i was miss lee, the new governess, further informed them that their master was coming home in a few days, they instantly gathered round us, evincing so 232much joy as to astonish me, who had heretofore looked upon a southern slaveholder as a tyrant greatly dreaded by his vassals.
“you must like mr. delafield very much,” i ventured to remark to one old lady, whose hair was white as wool.
“like mass’r richard!” said she, rolling up her eyes. “lor’ bless you, miss, like don’t begin to ’spress it. why, i farly worships him; for didn’t i tend him when he was a nussin’ baby? and hain’t these old arms toted him more’n a million of miles?”
here her voice was drowned by the others, all of whom united in declaring him the “berry best mass’r in georgy.” this did not, of course, tend in any way to diminish the interest which i felt in the stranger; and, ere i was aware of it, i found myself anticipating his return almost as anxiously as the negroes themselves.
it was dark when we reached cedar grove; and as there was company in the parlor, i went immediately to my room. i had not been there long, however, when a servant was sent up, saying, that “mrs. lansing wished me to come down and play.”
this was an ordeal which i greatly dreaded; for, from what i had seen of mrs. lansing, i knew she would criticise my performance closely; and fearing inability to acquit myself at all creditably, i trembled violently as i descended to the parlor, which was nearly full of visitors.
“miss lee, ladies,” said mrs. lansing, at the same time motioning towards the music-stool as the seat i was expected to occupy.
there was a film before my eyes as i took my post and nervously turned over the leaves of a music-book; which, by the way, was wrong side up, though i didn’t know it then! i have heard much of stage fright, and sure am i. 233that never did poor mortal suffer more from an attack of that nature than did i during the few moments that i sat there, trying to recall something familiar, something which i knew i could play. at last, when the patience of the company seemed nearly exhausted, i dashed off at random, playing parts of two or three different tunes, changing the key as many times, using the load pedal when i should have used the soft, and at last ending with the most horrid discord to which my ears ever listened. the audience were, undoubtedly, thunderstruck, for they spoke not for the space of a minute; and, with a feeling of desperation, i was about to make a second effort, hoping thereby to retrieve my character, when mrs. lansing said, in a cold, sarcastic voice, “that will do, miss lee; we are perfectly satisfied.” then, turning to a haughty-looking young lady who sat by the window, she continued: “come, miss porter; you certainly can’t refuse to favor us, now.”
with a very consequential air, for which i could not blame her, miss porter took my place, and, without any apparent effort, killed my poor performance outright; for she executed admirably some of the most difficult music. when she had finished, the ladies rose to go, mrs. lansing following them to the door, and whispering (i know she did) something about “her being humbugged again.”
when she returned to the room, i stole a glance at her face, which was very red, and indicative of anything but good will towards me. i felt the hot tears rising, but when, with a bang, she closed the piano, and turning towards me, demanded “how long i had taken music lessons,” i forced them back, and answered promptly, “five quarters.”
“only five quarters!” she repeated, in evident amazement. “why, lina has taken three years, and she wouldn’t 234consider herself competent to teach, even were she poor, and obliged to do so.”
the latter part of this speech i did not fancy; for even if a person is poor, and obliged to work, they do not often like to be taunted with it; at least, i didn’t, but i couldn’t help myself. i was at the mercy of mrs. lansing, who proceeded to say, that “she had often been deceived by northern teachers, who thought to palm themselves off for better scholars than they really were; and now she had almost come to the conclusion that they were not so well educated as the majority of southern girls.”
“i, at least, never intended to deceive you,” said i; “i told you in my letter that i was not an accomplished musician, and still you consented to employ me.”
here i broke down entirely, and wept passionately, telling her, in broken sentences, that “however mortifying it would be, i was willing to go back, if she wished it.”
at this point, little jessie, who all the time had been present, came to my side, and winding her arms around my neck, said, “you sha’n’t go home. we like you, hal and me, and you sha’n’t go—shall she, hal?”
thus appealed to, hal took up my cause, which he warmly defended; telling his mother “she made every governess cry, and told them they didn’t know anything, when they did, for uncle dick said so, and he knew; and that, as for music, miss lee played a heap better than lina, because she played something new—something he never heard before.”
“nor any one else,” muttered mrs. lansing, while hal continued, “uncle dick says, the best teachers sometimes don’t play at all, and miss lee sha’n’t go home.”
very faintly, i repeated my willingness to do so, if mrs. lansing thought best; to which she replied, “i will deal 235fairly with you, miss lee. i am disappointed in your musical abilities, and if i find that your are deficient in other things, i shall be obliged to dismiss you; but for a few days i will keep you on trial.”
“uncle dick won’t let you send her away, i know,” said hal; and this, i am inclined to think, determined her upon getting rid of me before his return.
still, i was ostensibly upon trial, and whoever has been in a similar situation, will readily understand that i could not, of course, do myself justice. with mrs. lansing’s prying eyes continually upon me, i really acted as though i were half-witted; and by the close of the second day, i myself began to doubt the soundness of my mind, wondering why the folks at home had never discovered my stupidity. continual excitement kept my cheeks in a constant glow, while the remainder of my face was quite pale, and several times, in their mother’s presence, the children told me “how handsome i was!” this annoyed her—and on the morning of the third day, she informed me that she would defray my expenses back to massachusetts, where i could tell them i was too young to suit her; adding, that i might as well go the next morning. this was a death-blow to my hopes; and so violent was the shock, that i could not even weep. hal and jessie were furious, declaring i should not go; and when i convinced them that i must, they insisted upon my teaching that day, at all events.
to this i consented; and as mrs. lansing had now no object in watching me, she absented herself from the schoolroom entirely, leaving me to do as i pleased. the consequence was, that my benumbed faculties awoke again to life, everything which, for the last ten days, i seemed to have forgotten, came back to me; while even the children noticed how differently i appeared.
